[ Avi ] Attn: @TWilkins @Numen @Sqweloookle
Fuck me, hoped he'd had fun last night, 'cause he sure was payin' for it now. Head hurtin' fit t'burst, felt like a damn watermelon what'd been hate-fucked by a screwdriver an' then left out for the rest of the toolkit to have a go after. Christmas, hoped the Theur-whatsit had good painkillers, fuckin' heck.
Yeah, yeah, was comin' back t'him now — Theur-majig, Aldea, rest of that nonsense. Fuckin' Spaghetti Kid an' his bleedin' heart syndrome. Goin' an' gettin' 'em all into—
Aw, shit.
Splittin' headache an' he hadn't even gotten wankered. Fuck's sake.
Explained why his ears was still in, at least. Not that they was doin' much of nothin', head hurt too much t'make sense of anythin'. Still. Had t'hope if there was some shithead breathin' down his neck he'd know about it by now.
Even so. Should prob'ly crack an eye, try t'see what the fuck'd happened to 'em. But light, right now, in his own damn eyeball? No fuckin' thanks mate. Rather stab hisself with a rusty knittin' needle — which, ironically, would prob'ly be how it felt 'f he did go an' open up his damn peepers.
Why couldn't the fuckin' pirates have just shot him an' be done with it? Had t'go an' leave a mess. Inconsid'rate, really, 'f you asked him. Bastards.
Weren't injured at least, not any more'n before anyways. Ribs still bein' bitches but honestly when weren't they. Rest of him just kinda equally sore, muscles right pissed, hard t'even pinpoint where he'd been stunned. Still, all the important bits was there, doin' their job. Rest of him could go fuck itself frankly. 'Specially his damn fuckin' head.
Alright. Well. Was gonna have to do it sometime. So. Here goes nothin'.
Opened his eyes long enough t'get a look around. Piss, fuckin' ow. Vision was all squinty an' blurry, just the way you like it, but managed t'get a pretty decent picture of the surroundings considerin'. Shitty little asshole cave room thing, forcefield keepin' 'em in. Just him an' a crumpled lump too small t'be Erev — one of the other two chuckleheads, then. Too squinty t'tell. Didn't much care; had been about equal amounts'a useless. Least the human-lookin' fella hadn't been an arse about it, though.
Couldn't see much else of nothin' from this vantage, an' if you thought he was gettin' up t'look you can fuck right off mate. So that was it then: alright, yup, gross, painful, waste of bleedin' time. Weren't in any immediate danger, leastways, an' frankly even if they were he could do with puttin' out of his damn misery. Rest of 'em could fend for themselves, fuck 'em, 'specially Spork, was him what'd gotten 'em all into this damn mess.
Might as well get some fuckin' shuteye afore the kinky shit started up.
Didn't know how long he managed t'kip for, only that he got woken by some motherfucker goin' for his neck. No thanks, shithead. Head be damed, was up an' at 'em, reachin' up ready t'twist the hand away into a wrist lock. Get absolutely fucked mate.
Stopped at the last second, recognisin' the offender's stupid outfit. Fuckin' Sourpuss, course it was. Dropped the guy's hand sharpish, lucky for him afore Avi'd managed t'do anythin' painful, an' leant back all casual-like.
'Touchy-feely this mornin', aintcha?' said with a drawl. 'Gotta pay extra for that, darlin'.' Trust Spit t'try an' feel up a guy while he's asleep, fuckin' perv. Not that Avi was judgin', a-course, 'cept this was a weirdass place t'try an' wet your dick.
Vaguely occurred t'him the guy might've been tryin' t'help or somethin'. Whatever.
All well an' good, but all this adrenaline weren't just gonna poof out just 'cause he weren't actively bein' strangled. Stood, eyes happier in the light now — or leastways not tryin' t'explode 'emselves — went for a looksee around their little room. Yup, piece of shit. Kicked a loose stone at the forcefield; nothin' doin'. Hadn't expected it t'melt away or nothin', but woulda been nice. Least he could see better from here, enough t'see the other two opposite, similarly fucked but neither of 'em particularly dead-lookin'. Just jammy.
The fuck did these shitheads want? Hadn't seemed like Feds — an' if they were they'd got a funny way of goin' about it. What, were the bugs gonna capture the whole Theurgy crew four idiots at a time? Nah, nah, them lot were anal for sure but weren't that dumb. Dollars to dicks this was the work of some other pissheads, just a case of wrong place wrong Tuesday.
Poor suckers. Prob'ly tryna get some ransom or some shit. Didn't know about these other folks in here, but Avi weren't worth shit. Ain't no one payin' t'see him again — frankly, most folks'd do the opposite. Couldn't even blame 'em.
Well. He weren't lookin' t'die in some place what stank of shit. Had some fuckin' standards left, at least.
Turned back t'Spaghetti. 'You got a plan, Clever Clogs?' Kid had been goin' off on one about how smart he was or some shit, remembered that much. Prob'ly gonna turn out to be all guff an' no trousers, but he looked like a right nerd so who knew. 'We gonna blow this popsicle or nah?'
Brit to basic under the cut
wankered -> drunk
peepers -> eyes
pissed -> angry
shuteye -> sleep
kip -> sleep
sharpish -> quickly
jammy -> lucky, fortunate
go off on one -> rant
guff -> stupid talk
all mouth and no trousers -> showing off without being able to back it up