| PERSONAL LOG, STARDATE 57576.04
THIS MORNING, WHEN I WOKE UP, I THOUGHT SHE WAS LYING NEXT TO ME.
MY SLEEP HAD BEEN FITFUL, HOWEVER, AND WHAT I THOUGHT WAS HER HAD JUST BEEN MY BUNDLED SHEETS. I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO MOVE AFTER THAT. DUTIES DON'T BECKON MY INTEREST ANY MORE. I AM AT A LOSS FOR WHAT TO DO.
ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS WHEN SHE TOLD ME, RIGHT AFTER STARBASE 84, THAT SHE CARRIED OUR CHILD. EITHER SHE'D NEGLECTED TO TAKE THE CONTRACEPTIVES WE ALL TAKE IN THE LINE OF DUTY, OR HER SPECIES HAD HER DEVELOP AN IMMUNITY TOWARDS IT. WHATEVER MIGHT BE THE CASE, THE CMO ON THE BELLEROPHON HAD TOLD HER THAT MORNING. WE WERE TO BECOME THREE.
SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN OFF DUTY WHEN WE CHASED THE TOP VECTOR OF THE THEURGY THROUGH THE AZURE NEBULA. YET THE ORDERS WERE 'ALL HANDS TO BATTLE STATIONS'. IN RETROSPECT, HAVING HEARD OF THE LOSSES OF OTHERS, IT DOESN'T SOOTHE ME - IN ANY WAY - THAT OUR COMMANDING OFFICER WAS MISLED BY THESE 'INFESTED'. FOR WHAT DOES IT MATTER?
IN THE END, THERE WAS ONE PERSON WHO GAVE THE ORDER THAT KILLED HER. HER, AND ALL THE OTHERS.
THERE IS SUCH A THING AS EXCESSIVE FORCE, AND AS OFTEN AS I LOOK AT THE TACTICAL LOGS OF THE ENCOUNTER, IT ALWAYS BOILS DOWN TO THAT FIRING SEQUENCE, AND HOW IT SHIFTED FROM BEING DEFENSIVE, AND TARGETED THE AREAS OF THE BELLEROPHON THAT MADE IT BREAK. SHE WAS ON DECK 06 WHEN IT HAPPENED, AND THE SENSORS SHOWED HOW THE HULL PLATING RUPTURED LIKE A GRAPE. I ZOOMED IN AS FAR AS I COULD, THE SENSOR READINGS RENDERING ME A HOLO-RECORDING, AND I BELIEVE I COULD SEE HER, AMONG ALL THE OTHER THRASHING BODIES.
[PAUSE]
LAST NIGHT, BEFORE MY FITFUL SLEEP, I LEARNED HOW THE ONE RESPONSIBLE WAS EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED, AND UNFIT FOR HIS DUTY. HE WOULD HAVE SACRIFICED EVERYTHING FOR THE SAKE OF HIS LOVE INTEREST. HE'D SACRIFICE THE ENTIRE CREW OF THE THEURGY AND THE MISSION JUST SO THAT HE MIGHT RECLAIM HER FROM THE SAVI.
UNLIKE HIM, AND DESPITE HOW THE LOSS EATS AT ME, I DO STILL HAVE EMPATHY. HE GOT TO SEE THE WOMAN HE LONGED FOR AGAIN, BUT MANY OTHERS WILL REMAIN BEREFT OF THAT CHANCE, ALL BECAUSE OF HIS ERROR OF JUDGEMENT TO STAY IN THAT RENDEZVOUS ZONE.
SO, IRONICALLY, I MIGHT ACTUALLY MAKE A SACRIFICE MYSELF... UNLESS I FIND MEANING IN THIS RENEGADE EXISTENCE WITHOUT HOPE. YET THIS SACRIFICE WILL NOT JUST BE FOR MYSELF. IT WILL BE FOR ALL THOSE WHO LOST SOMETHING.
ALL BECAUSE OF HIS HUBRIS. |