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Day 03 [ 2000 hrs.] Grief, so much like Fear

[ Lt. Cmdr. Cross | Below Decks Lounge | Deck 28 | USS Theurgy ] attn: @Sqweloookle  @trevorvw

For as long as there had been life, there had been loss. Cross knew that well enough. Just as he knew that for as long as there had been life there had been a struggle between living beings in the inevitable and eternal fight for dominance. Sometimes, in that struggle, you came out on top and were the stronger for it. And sometimes, you came out barely alive while leaving in your wake of survival the bodies of those who once served beside you. The fact that surviving a ship disaster like the Endeavour had happened to other people, though not with the exact same details, did not diminish the sobering fact that aside from Cross, only a few others remaining of the Endeavour’s crew had come aboard Theurgy, and after this last mission, their numbers had dwindled down to three.

This evening, the lounge was dotted with more than a few other clusters of crew members speaking in hushed tones. The music playing overhead was not as peppy as the last time he’d been in here, but then again, that was to be expected, all things considered. Cross sat alone for the time being at a corner table furthest from the bar and nearby one of the viewscreens. In front of him was his own drink, a simple dark ale, and beside that sat another, an effervescent purple concoction made up entirely of carbonation and sugar. This second drink would not be drunk by himself or by those he waited for, as it was sitting there as a token for the dead. Or at least one of the dead in particular.

Blue would never leave his soul, and Cross acknowledged that without fear or pathetic denial. Her indomitable spirit, as shamelessly vivacious as her favorite beverages, had mercilessly etched its mark inside him. Logically, Cross knew he would make more friends and was already on the cusp of moving past the “what might become of this” into “this is what we are” with Hathev, yet he was still haunted with the “what might have been” he experienced with Blue. No one else would be quite like her, or at least the statistical chances were slim enough he’d not likely meet someone like her in his lifetime.

And Cross was fucking pissed at that. At the reality that she was no longer about to come through that door cursing to the heavens about some fucker doing something stupid in engineering or waltzing into his quarters unannounced with snacks and every intention of sleeping in his bed after talking into the wee hours of the morning. It felt wrong, this present reality that held no Blue and that left only Cross, Kai, and Elro along with maybe one or two others as the survivors of the Endeavour. Almost as if some fuck-wit had hit the wrong button in some temporal mission headquarters and they were now living out the wrong timeline.

“Get the fuck over yourself.”


Cross jerked, looking around the lounge in confusion. Her voice had been so loud in his mind, so accurate in pitch and tone, that for a moment, Cross had the ludicrous thought that this had all been an elaborate prank. But, his searching gaze had been for naught, and Blue remained among the dead, with Cross awaiting the only other survivors of his previous posting. They were to make a toast to their fallen comrades this evening, try to somehow wrap their brains around this new reality, and keep moving forward, as forward was the only direction left to them.
Lieutenant Enyd Isolde Madsen, Assistant Chief Diplomatic Officer

Lieutenant Commander Cross, Chief Tactical Officer

Re: Day 03 [ 2000 hrs.] Grief, so much like Fear

Reply #1
[ Lieutenant Elro Kobol | Below Decks Lounge | Deck 28 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Ellen Fitz @trevorvw sorry for the delay.

It had taken some time for Elro to pull himself together after that group therapy session and without Lieutenant Madsen. Though after listening to the others speak of their troubles, he had decided to share and it had felt somewhat good voicing it.

Letting it all out and be heard by someone, maybe Derik's spirit heard it? Elro could only believe. He wished some sign could be given but alas none will be.

He had to accept it and move on. That was going to take time, though he needed a distraction and the lounge on Deck 28 had that. Rank was left at the door most of the time and everyone enjoyed themselves in groups or in pairs or simply alone staring out the windows.

Well he did that sometimes and saw others do the same. Music playing and laughter filled the lounge as Elro entered, a few greeted him, he returned their words with a smile as he passed them.

He ordered a beverage and upon receiving it thanked the bartender, he spotted Commander Cross as he looked around. Elro walked over to his friend, after a quick sip, he coughed to grab the Commander's attention. ”Sir, mind if I join you?”
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Lieutenant JG Adam Kingston, Master-at-Arms, (Vector 03 Security)

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Lieutenant/Dr Elro Kobol , Chief Medical Officer, (Vector 02 Medical)

Re: Day 03 [ 2000 hrs.] Grief, so much like Fear

Reply #2
[ Lt. Cmdr. Cross | Below Decks Lounge | Deck 28 | USS Theurgy ] attn: @Sqweloookle  @trevorvw

Cross had seen the doctor’s approach with his peripherals and was already in the process of nodding, his hand gesturing toward one of the adjacent chairs at the table when the doctor came to stand beside him. It felt like they'd seen each other in another lifetime. In some ways, that feeling wasn't entirely untrue. The last they'd seen each other, other hearts were still beating, those lives influencing their own, and now those hearts were still, and though the influences were still there.

“Good to see you, Kobol.” Cross held up his drink in silent salute as the man took the seat offered. “How are things in sickbay? Do you have enough hands, or do we need to adjust duty rosters for the time being?”

Cross frowned. That wasn’t why Kobol had come here, and that sure as hell wasn’t why Cross was here either, nor why the drink sat forever undrunk on the table between them. This was to be a time to recall the dead, the lost friends, or lovers, not to keep clinging to present duties like lifelines to keep from sinking in the mire of grief. He knocked back a sip of his own drink, grimaced, then set the glass back on the table.

“Apologies. You didn’t come here to talk about work, and I’m certainly not sitting here wanting to talk about it either.” His eyes traveled once more to the drink dedicated to the dead, and he shuddered. Slowly he looked back to Kobol, “How are YOU doing? I mean, we’ve come through a fuck ton of shit in a short span of time,” Cross grimaced again, noticing his lapse of professionalism in his language but again he was off duty and they were living in shitty times, “and aside from you and me, we’ve only got Kai left from the Endeavour on board now.” He sighed and fell back against the back of his chair. “Honestly, that’s a damned sobering reality to deal with on top of the rest of this.” He nodded towards the drink, uncertain if Kobol was familiar with the Earth-tradition.
Lieutenant Enyd Isolde Madsen, Assistant Chief Diplomatic Officer

Lieutenant Commander Cross, Chief Tactical Officer

Re: Day 03 [ 2000 hrs.] Grief, so much like Fear

Reply #3
[ Lieutenant Elro Kobol | Below Decks Lounge | Deck 28 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @trevorvw @Ellen Fitz

There were definitely waves of grief coming from his friend, Cross, and misery. Humans loved to say misery loves company, Elro had heard it many times and it was true. No matter how hard people try to keep in good spirits, it is all chased away. The passing thoughts of someone else's grief hit Elro and that reversed most of his attempts at pulling himself together again from that therapy session. Elro felt raw and vulnerable again as he sat down.

Once again Cross gave him a lifeline by asking about Medical, Elro nodded. ”It is good to see you as well. We have saved as many as we could, they are resting and recovering where they can.” A bark of laughter left him, it left a look of amused shock on his face. ”The sickbays will always need more personnel no matter the duty roster, trust me,” he said and sipped his drink as he watched Cross do the same.

Elro only now noticed a third drink sitting on the table, he wondered who it was for. Though before he could ask, Cross spoke again and nodded at the third drink. Honouring the dead, Elro recalled from having observed this back at the Academy during and after the Dominion War. ”I'm not doing so good Cross,” Elro began. ”I had a therapy session this morning.” He admitted and not easily, he made it sound like there was not to be anything further said on the topic.

”Yes it is shitty times and sobering,” he added, ”amongst other things. I haven't seen Kai since he came out of stasis, you?” Elro asked and took another sip.
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Lieutenant JG Adam Kingston, Master-at-Arms, (Vector 03 Security)

[Show/Hide]
Lieutenant/Dr Elro Kobol , Chief Medical Officer, (Vector 02 Medical)

Re: Day 03 [ 2000 hrs.] Grief, so much like Fear

Reply #4
[ Lt. Cmdr. Kai Akoni | Below Decks Lounge | Deck 28 | USS Theurgy] @Ellen Fitz  @Sqweloookle

Kai had reluctantly made his was down to the Lounge looking for his friend. He hadn't seen Cross since before he was injured.

The doors opened and Kai made his was through them, looking around the lounge for his friend. It wasn't hard to find him as it wasn't very busy in the lounge. Understandably so to be honest. The large man made his way over to the table where Cross and it looked like Kobol were sitting. He smirked thinking it was a nice Endeavour reunion. The smirk quickly faded when he realized that the three of them were the only survivours from the Endeavour.

"Sorry I'm late." he announced when he was a few metres from the table. Cross had clearly watched his approach and nodded to him as he announced his apologies. Kobol seemed slightly startled but Kai gently tapped him on the shoulder as he made his way to his chair.

"Good to see you Doc" Kai mentioned to the other man as he lowered himself into the chair.

The large man could obviously tell that they were talking about serious things prior to his arrival. He wasn't surprised by that either. It's been a shitty time lately and they had all suffered immense loss. They'd have to rely on each other to help each other get back to some semblance of normal.

His drink was delivered to the table and he drank the whole thing in one swoop and promptly ordered another one.

"So..." he began, "How are you two? I mean honestly. No bullshit sugar coating either." he asked as he waited for their answers and hopefully start to heal together.


Re: Day 03 [ 2000 hrs.] Grief, so much like Fear

Reply #5
[ Lt. Cmdr. Cross | Below Decks Lounge | Deck 28 | USS Theurgy ] attn: @Sqweloookle  @trevorvw

Cross nodded as he listened to Elro speak of the needs in Medical, not hearing anything surprising, yet still wishing he could do more to support his friend. When Elro’s eyes slipped to trace over the third drink, Cross noted the change in the doctor’s demeanor and watched as if a weight of pain settled over the man’s shoulders. Elro’s mentioning of therapy had Cross raising his eyebrows in surprise, but quickly nodded his head in approval. He knew Hathev was likely involved in the therapy and while they still had their own shit to work out in the aftermath of losing Blue, she was a professional and knew her stuff and undoubtedly was giving people like Elro a chance to work through their grief in a proactive manner. Nearly at the mentioning of Kai’s name, the man came through the doors. Cross felt a half-smile tug at his lips as he watched the giant of a man move through the lounge to their table.

Cross waited until after Kai ordered his second drink before he spoke again, “Sugar coated answer is, I’m shit.” He snorted before taking a sip from his drink, then leaning back in his chair, prosthetic fingertips still tapping the edge of his glass. “Truthful answer is I’m sitting here with the only other survivors of a lost ship feeling the weight of my mortality, still shock at the loss of the likes of Blue, and wrestling with feeling like the galaxy’s biggest asshead.” Growling at the last, Cross downed the last of his drink as well before using both his flesh and prosthetic hands to scratch over his head. Heaving a sigh, Cross leaned closer. “Things have gotten complicated between Counselor Hathev and I and got exceedingly complicated the night before this last mission.” He let a moment of silence weigh on the table, letting the men draw their own conclusions with that statement. “I leave on the mission with the thought of, hell I really need to get my shit straight with women. Only to come back to a dead Blue and a nearly mortally wounded Hathev and me standing there holding my dick, feeling like a fucking imbecile.”

Frowning then at just how much he’d coughed up with the men and with barely enough liquid courage to hide behind. Cross wondered if perhaps he should’ve found a therapy session to go to as well instead of using this time to "bare all."

"What about you, Kai?" Cross quickly asked, hoping to deflect potential interrogation-like questions seeking after details.
Lieutenant Enyd Isolde Madsen, Assistant Chief Diplomatic Officer

Lieutenant Commander Cross, Chief Tactical Officer

Re: Day 03 [ 2000 hrs.] Grief, so much like Fear

Reply #6
[ Lieutenant Elro Kobol | Below Decks Lounge | Deck 28 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @trevorvw @Ellen Fitz

As if on queue after Elro mentioned his name Kai Akoni turns up and joins them. The Betazoid gave his large friend an attempt at a smile in greeting, though it did reach his eyes even if it wasn't wide on his lips. That was when Cross let loose and of course not sugar coating it per Kai's request. It all came out, they were friends so it wasn't like unloading problems onto strangers.

It seemed like Cross was having asshead issues and advanced his relationship with Hathev, right before leaving for the Praxis mission no less. Well considering the situation it would be warranted to have thoughts that one may not come back from that if things went any differently. Elro mused that it shouldn't be held against one for having such thoughts.

Though when certain body parts were mentioned, Elro smothered his urge to laugh as this wasn't the time. It may be the place however he considered. What was he? 10, no, so he calmed down and smiled warmly at Cross. Elro didn't really know Blue that well, he'd had the occasional run-ins and social pleasantries but that was about it. He wished he'd made more of an effort to know those he had served with, regardless of the double edged sword consequences he knew it would have.

He turned back to Akoni to answer the hulking man. ”And you Kai, welcome back from stasis.” He offered. ”It is good to have you back with us.”

”I wish I was well but alas I am not. Don't worry I am seeking help.” Elro said with a frown at the beginning but he did attempt another smile, it was a better one then the one before though not by much. ”Yes, what about you Kai?”
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Lieutenant JG Adam Kingston, Master-at-Arms, (Vector 03 Security)

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Lieutenant/Dr Elro Kobol , Chief Medical Officer, (Vector 02 Medical)

Re: Day 03 [ 2000 hrs.] Grief, so much like Fear

Reply #7
[ Lt. Cmdr. Kai Akoni | Below Decks Lounge | Deck 28 | USS Theurgy ] @Ellen Fitz @Sqweloookle

Kai listened to both of his friends respond to his query. At least they were being honest with him and he figured that it was the first step. He was happy to hear that Elro was getting help. It was easy to tell he was hiding a bunch of pain behind the smiles he had attempted.

”I’m proud of you seeking help Doc.” he said before turning to Cross, ”and you…if you’re gonna be holding your dick, at least do it in private so I don’t have to throw you in the brig” he said with a slight chuckle, hoping to at least break some of the ice in the room.

He grabbed his drink off the table, brought it to his lips and downed a mouthful. He placed the glass back on the table and sighed.

”Me? Well shit. Where do I even begin? I practically die in an explosion and get put into stasis. Annika dies in the same explosion along with how many others. I get woken up from stasis and that’s the end of it right? Wrong. I now have to fight Klingons in sickbay…and then afterwards, after another Klingon rampages through the ship killing people, I almost get killed again! It’s like my life is an Action Holonovel.” Kai finished his recap for his friends, shaking his head and looking down at the table.

He took a breath and then continued, ”So…things aren’t very good. You could even say they’re fucking awful. Which seems pretty standard ever since we left the Endeavour.”

Kai looked at the two people sitting at the table with him. He could see that the three of them were beaten down and have had a rough go at life in the last while. He downed the rest of his drink and ordered them another round.

”If we’re gonna be talking about shit this heavy, I don’t know about you guys, but I need to be less sober.”

 

Re: Day 03 [ 2000 hrs.] Grief, so much like Fear

Reply #8
[ Lt. Cmdr. Cross | Below Decks Lounge | Deck 28 | USS Theurgy ] attn: @Sqweloookle  @trevorvw

Cross laughed despite the gravity of the moment when Kai spoke of potentially throwing him in the brig. He listened then as Kai detailed his own pain succinctly that, while brief in descript, held much by way of action. He smirked at Kai’s mentioning of a holonovel. Cross hadn’t participated in a good one in…hell, when was the last time he’d done one? Kai wasn’t far off when he said it felt like his life had become an action holonovel. Cross rather felt the same, only add in romantic tragedy and drama and voila, and he still was certain if he was hero or villain to his own story. Agreeing with Kai’s assessment for more drink, Cross made sure his drink order was sufficiently sugary, having discovered through his encounter with Hathev that with his full-blooded Vulcan nature, he was now more likely to feel drunken effects from sugar than from anything else.

Waiting until after their new round was delivered and each man had taken at least a sip, Cross turned the conversational focus back to Elro. “Kai said no sugar-coating, and I’ll add no bullshitting either.” He nodded to both men before continuing. “What are you getting help for, Elro? Is it something either Kai or I could help with?”

Cross understood his question could come across as pushy, and yet he hadn’t been able to stop himself. Maybe his desire to know more so he could potentially help more was connected to their shared identity as survivors of the Endeavour. Or perhaps it was connected to his frustration at the wasted opportunity and lost time with Blue. Be it for whatever reason, Cross didn’t regret the push for more information and hoped that Elro didn’t sidestep into solitude when he could benefit from the fellowship Cross and Kai were offering.
Lieutenant Enyd Isolde Madsen, Assistant Chief Diplomatic Officer

Lieutenant Commander Cross, Chief Tactical Officer

Re: Day 03 [ 2000 hrs.] Grief, so much like Fear

Reply #9
[ Lieutenant Elro Kobol | Below Decks Lounge | Deck 28 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @trevorvw @Ellen Fitz

Elro laughed at the dick joke as well and it felt good to laugh at something, even if at someone's expense. ”Sorry I just had to laugh at that,” he said with an apologetic smile.

At the mention of Kai's life being an Action holonovel, Elro chuckled a little. ”Maybe you should make a holonovel about one on the run from everything and trying to clear their name, it may help raise morale and give an outlet to our frustrations?” He asked with a smile.

When Cross confronted him about what the therapy was about and stated that in light of both Cross and Kai having just shared their woes, Elro could not disrespect them by refusing and so took a deep breath. ”Well can you make the universe not kill my chances at love?” He asked in sarcasm though he kinda meant it.

He kinda kept his eyes on his drink as he wasn't ready to look at his friends just yet. ”I feel like I'm meant to be alone.” Saying it out loud again kind of helped make him examine his life, maybe something will come up and help him.
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Lieutenant JG Adam Kingston, Master-at-Arms, (Vector 03 Security)

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Lieutenant/Dr Elro Kobol , Chief Medical Officer, (Vector 02 Medical)

Re: Day 03 [ 2000 hrs.] Grief, so much like Fear

Reply #10
[Lt. Cmdr. Kai Akoni | Below Decks Lounge | Deck 28 | USS Theurgy ] @Ellen Fitz @Sqweloookle

Kai heard Elro say it out loud. He could sympathize with the comment. Hell, he could imagine him saying the same thing. He took a sip of his drink, sighed and put the drink back on the table. You could feel the tension and cut through it with a phaser.

”I hear you…”, Kai said softly before continuing, ”I really do. It may sound dumb, but you’ll never be alone if you got us…as for love? That’ll come when you least expect it…at least I hope so” he said, feeling just as alone as his friends. He took another sip of his drink and then thought about Annika. How much he missed her and what had went down.

It was a roller coaster of emotion for Kai. First he thought she was dead, but then she was alive but didn’t remember him, but now she’s dead. For real this time. He was truly alone, missing his love too. However, he thought about his own advice he gave just now and realized that he had the love for his friends and how they could lean on each other and support each other now, more than ever.

”In the end though, we just have to cherish every moment we experience, because they’ll never come again” Kai said, hoping he could follow his own advice. 

Re: Day 03 [ 2000 hrs.] Grief, so much like Fear

Reply #11
[ Lt. Cmdr. Cross | Below Decks Lounge | Deck 28 | USS Theurgy ] attn: @Sqweloookle  @trevorvw

Cross raised a singular eyebrow at Elro’s comment about the universe and love. He felt like an ass but couldn’t quite recall the name of the last romantic interest of his friend’s. But then again, Elro had a tendency to play things close to his chest, and they hadn’t had much opportunity to come together like this to share and decompress together. All that aside, based on the man’s present demeanor and comments, it seemed that the doctor had lost another chance at love, and potentially in a fatal sense not unlike himself with Blue.

Shaking his head, Cross clicked his glass against Elro’s before bringing the drink to his lips. “For as fucked up as we all are, call me a blind optimist, but I don’t think anyone is truly meant to be alone.” Taking a sip, Cross waited until the sugarified liquid made it down his throat before he spoke again. “Maybe for periods of time, sure, but in the long term? Very few species can survive isolated and of those that thrive in solitary, none of us are it.” 

He nodded in agreement with Kai’s words. Weren’t they just a bunch of sentimental fucks tonight? It was as if the universe had conspired to wrench from their fingers nearly all semblance of joy or normalcy and then thrust them back together again just to see how they’d handle it. Fuck you, universe. Cross lifted his glass again, this time sending a glare up through the ceiling of the lounge to whatever powers there were surrounding the ship as it remained in its position.

“Speaking of never coming again,” Cross stopped, smirked at the unintended double entendre, then continued after the juvenile pause, “now that I’ve had a few drinks in me, I’m rather feeling another venue is in order. This place has always been ‘alright’ by my tastes, but I much preferred the Spearhead and now that’s been blown to bits so we’ve limited options. Do either of you have a saved holoprogram we could saunter into, perhaps even begin one of those ridiculous holonovels we feel we’ve been living? Or would you rather stay here?” Cross finished his new drink and frowned at the empty glass. Much too soon to be empty in his opinion. Looking back to his friends, his smile was marginally more loose and lopsided than minutes before. “What say you?”
Lieutenant Enyd Isolde Madsen, Assistant Chief Diplomatic Officer

Lieutenant Commander Cross, Chief Tactical Officer

Re: Day 03 [ 2000 hrs.] Grief, so much like Fear

Reply #12
[ Lieutenant Elro Kobol | Below Decks Lounge | Deck 28 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Ellen Fitz @trevorvw sorry for the delay people

Least expect it he says, Elro mused, yeah Derik was that and now he is lost. Elro sipped his drink before he said something he'd regret and he almost did, it was formed at the back of his throat. Cherish every moment he says, this somewhat annoyed the Betazoid and again narrowly avoided speaking what his heart was feeling.

He knew that both Kai and Cross are only trying to help but it was just grating on his broken heart pieces, he tried to offer a smile of acknowledgement to Kai though Cross spoke up drawing his attention.

”You are a blind optimist, and thanks.” Elro said after they clicked glasses with his friend and heard a loud mental declaration from Cross that made him smile. He hoped his friend wouldn't mind. ”And yes fuck the universe…” He added, ”sorry you shouted that "

A holonovel or a saunter? He wasn't sure which he'd like at the moment but something to focus his mind on would be good. ”What holonovel did you have in mind?”
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Lieutenant JG Adam Kingston, Master-at-Arms, (Vector 03 Security)

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Lieutenant/Dr Elro Kobol , Chief Medical Officer, (Vector 02 Medical)

 
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