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Day 02 [0900 hrs.] Cardassian Rhapsody

"CARDASSIAN RHAPSODY"

STARDATE  57561.14
MARCH 12th, 2381
0900 HRS.

[ Lt. JG Izar Bila | In front of the Counselor office | USS Theurgy]
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Bila had arrived early to his appointment. It had been barely two days since they had docked at the Station that orbited Aldea, and the chemist had invested much of that shore leave sleeping. And he desperately needed that. He could have requested some quarters for himself.  But he had preferred to parasitize Ravon's couch instead. Sharing a room with the pilot had a certain nostalgic vibe, a strange familiar sensation that had allowed him to rest a little better than usual. While nightmares, new and old, still plagued his sleep, he had woken up fewer times than usual. And only one of them he had suffered a panic attack. It was a welcome change all around. Somehow. He felt more rested and relaxed and more... himself than he had felt in recent times.

So, instead of calling for an emergency session, he had been able to request a normal appointment with Counsellor Ejek. He had had time to groom himself, shave and replicate a clean uniform. He had even tamed his curls in what Ravon had defined as a 'full foppish cardie hairdo'. Izar had replied that Cardassians were not known for their buns which had degenerated into a battle of insults over breakfast. Despite what Thomas had teased him, the chemist was proud of his actual appearance. Well-groomed, tidy, with an impeccable uniform. He wanted to give an... different impression from what he had given to the Cardassian woman at their earlier meetings. One more like who he was. Or the way he intended to be. Or, at least, one that didn't suggest he needed a sick leave because he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Of course, having shown up prior to his scheduled time, he had had to wait. The receptionist had told him that the counselor was busy with some patient, and had suggested that he should sit in one of the armchairs in the lobby. Bila had tried to engage in an inane conversation with the human, something shallow to distract him from the session ahead. However, the receptionist had made clear soon that she was too busy for it and had focused on something on her screen that Bila was unable to see. Disappointed, the hybrid had complied and had accommodated himself on the edge of one of the armchairs, trying to keep his uniform as well ironed as it was at that time.

After fifteen minutes of waiting, his stiff posture had relaxed noticeably and at that point he was sprawled out on the couch, glancing absently at the Padd he had brought with him. He refrained from opening the files about the ORE performance. Probably he would have to address it during the session, and he had no desire to lose his mind in the unpleasant memories associated with it at that time. Instead, he had opened the transcript of his meeting with Nicander. While he scrolled idly in the long script, the receptionist finally told him that the Counsellor would be attending him in brief moments. Before Bila could fully recompose himself, the office door opened, releasing a red-shirt that the chemist didn't recognize.

Bila hurried to stand on his feet, almost stumbled upon the low table in front of the couch he had occupied, and the padd nearly escaped from his hands in the process. Finally, grasping the device firmly to prevent it from falling, Bila rearranged himself as best as he could and made his way to the door.

"Madrana, Counselor Ejek" he gestured with a slight head bow and a shy smile on his recently shaved face. Without the scruffy patch of hair that normally covered it, his chin was smooth and scaleless, more bajoran than cardassian. And it was itchy as hell. But that little discomfort was well worth it in order to look more dignified. For a minute he was tempted to raise his hand to ask for a more intimate greeting, but he dismissed the idea halfway through the movement, letting it fall back against his side again.



kardasi

madrana → hello (common greeting)

Re: SD 57561.14: Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #1 –
[ Lt. Zelosa Ejek | Counselor's Office | USS Theurgy]

Shore leave was the busiest time for counselors. Ejek was no exception. At the very least though, she knew her next client would be something of a vacation. That’s what she thought as her client walked out the door of her office and she was left sitting in her armchair with her PADD nearby.

Bila, she smiled as she looked over her session notes from last time. A lovable halfie. Somewhat of a dolt, but what could she expect from faulty genes like his? He at least did his best. After all, it wasn’t his fault he was born of a union that shouldn’t have been. He’d be a nice break, especially since the poor crewman from before had gone over time with her and she would have no ten minute break between sessions to recover.

Sure enough, as Bila walked in, he didn’t know what to do with his hands. Shake her hand or press palms or leave them by his sides, he didn’t know. It was endearing, in a way. Like a child.
“Madrana, Bila. It’s good to see you again.” She set her PADD down and sat back in her chair. She sat with her ankles crossed, knees together, and hands on her lap. Professional, but something about her shoulders suggested she was relaxing now. Just a bit.

“What brings you to my office this morning?"

Re: SD 57561.14: Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #2 –
[ Lt. JG Izar Bila | In front of the Counselor office | USS Theurgy]
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When the counselor invited him to come in, a peaceful expression on her face and a polite greeting on her lips, Bila felt more clumsy than ever. Despite his best attempts to give a different appearance than the awkward façade he has displayed previously. Nevertheless, he walked into the room and sat on the couch in front of the counselor. As he settled in, with the Padd still firmly held in his hands, he couldn't help but look around him. His last session with Ejek had been in a very different scenario, at borrowed quarters that still showed the effects of the last attack. They were temporarily assigned and the hybrid assumed that, in theory, they still belonged to him, but since he had met Ravon again he had simply preferred to squat the couch in the pilot's quarters. He was probably violating a handful of regulations, but Bila liked it that way. Share space with Ravon reminded him the good old times. And gave him some well-needed peace.

"Well, I thought that after our last session, a follow-up one would be mandatory, for both of us to displease," he said with an aggrieved tone, while the smile blossoming on his shaved face contradicted the dramatic nature of his words. "I followed the recommended treatment of Kayose...granine that you recommended, so far it doesn't seem to have had any noticeable effect, but I guess it's soon for that," he remarked in a casual tone as he tightened the corners of his lips a little. The cocktail of drugs, alcohol, and caffeine that he had been immersed in before they reached a safe harbor probably didn't help the compound do its job. And the chemist was well aware that he was the main culprit in that mess, but he didn't add that to the converation. Not yet. "My sleep patterns are still erratic, but I've managed to get some more sleep since we arrived in Aldea." He had managed to get almost an entire night's rest. Taking into account what he has faced the last few days it was a real feat.  "During the encounter with the Borg I had had my share of facing the drones, but the aftermatch of the battle was worse, as I had to be involved in the treatment of those assimilated using the ORE." Bila paused for a while, trying not to let his voice betray how he really felt. "Do you know that I am a conscientious objector, counselor?" he asked. "I don't know if it's in my file, but it's important for... for why I'm here today.” He confesed, his eyes focused in the device on his hands, in the room, wherever that wasn't the counselor's face. “ I've never used a phaser. I didn't train target practice at the Academy alleging religious beliefs" The hybrid couldn't hold a chuckle when he remembered that lie. At that time he had not embraced his mother's deities, but it had been the best way to avoid questions about his motivation to avoid violence, even in self defense. "I' ve always considered myself a man of peace.... however two days ago, I killed a man," he finally declared.

Re: SD 57561.14: Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #3 –
[ Lt. Zelosa Ejek | Counselor's Office | USS Theurgy]

With her own PADD placed on the table beside her, she was able to lean in, just slightly, to listen to Bila’s story. Her eyes watched his, and the look on her face was one of interest. It was all practised body movements, she treated every client like this, so it was easy to convince herself that she was not nearly as invested as she actually was.

It did not surprise her to know that he was a conscientious objector. In fact, she had been harboring a few judgments about his character, and this fit in with everything she knew about him so far. She did not have his file to review, considering they never had the chance to transfer his psych profile to the Theurgy. She would add it to his profile after the session.

When she spoke, her voice was softer, gentler. She understood the seriousness of the situation, and what it must mean for Bila.
“I understand this must be a difficult topic to speak about. If you’re able, I’d like to hear what happened from your side of the story. If you’re not able, then I will not push you, but this seems to be very important for you.”

And then she was quiet again. She would not be speaking much this session, she guessed, and that was alright. Good therapy sometimes meant all she had to do was sit and listen.

Re: SD 57561.14: Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #4 –
[ Lt. JG Izar Bila | Counselor office | USS Theurgy]
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Bila smiled slightly at Ejek's kindness, but instead of replying, he said nothing. The hybrid hardly ever ran out of words. In fact, more than once he had been accused of having an answer for everything. Or of being unable to remain silent even under water. Or that he was made only of words and little more. With his eyes lost somewhere beyond his hands, Izar leaned back and rested his shoulders on the rear of his seat. He remained like that for long minutes, quiet, his hands clasped on the padd frame and his lips moving slightly, elaborating answers that never left them. When the silence had prolonged long enough to become a living, irritated entity, Bila stroked his chin thoughtfully and sighed. The touch of his own skin under his fingers was odd, overly smooth, and he was distracted for a moment for that.

Finally he sighed again and dropped his hand into his lap. When he began to speak, his gaze remained away from the counsellor's face. He didn't want to see her expression at that point. He preferred to keep the kind face he had seen when she had asked her question and not... whatever rejection reaction he predicted he would see at his words. "I knew him. He was another Cayuga crew member. "He explained. "Ekon. His name was Ekon Okotie-Eboh. I saw how he was assimilated on the Alligeant bridge." Bila's jaw tightened as he remembered the event and the muscles marked firmly on his haggard cheeks. "I... I promised him I would save him. I gave him hope... and then murdered him." His voice trembled with the confession, the emotion tarnishing each of his words as the façade he had built crumbled.

For a split second, the chemist was unable to speak any longer, and he simply took a deep breath, his breathing shaky and anxious. "I... tried to save him. I really WANTED to do it. I can't say that Ekon was my friend. But I was fond of him... somehow. I didn't want him to die. I didn't want...." he couldn't say again that he had killed him. He had said it before. But it wasn't easy to face it.

"Ma'am... Have you ever doubted if you did... something... to help others or if you only did it to prove that you actually COULD do it? To show that you can solve problems better than anyone else... or to fix something that no one had managed to do?" he suddenly asked, looking at Ejek's face at last.  His hazel eyes stared intently at her gray ones, waiting for an answer. There was an unusual intensity in his glance and face but, for once, his visage didn't reveal any obvious emotion, but instead he retreated to his best poker face, concealing the purpose of his question. How could he admit that he feared that he had become prey to the Cardassian arrogance he had so often been accused of?

Re: SD 57561.14: Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #5 –
[ Lt. Zelosa Ejek | Counselor's Office | USS Theurgy]

Bila did not reply at first. It was to be expected. She asked a tough question. She let the silence hang between them, watching his body language in the meantime. Chances are he was working through the events, allowing himself to relieve the trauma. That he was able to do so was very promising so far. He sighed, twice, and did not meet her eyes, but he finally did begin his story…

Or rather, his explanation. It was not a story, but more like he was justifying himself. He felt guilt. Fear. He could not meet her eyes--he couldn’t even look at her face. She found herself leaning forward, wrapped up in his emotional world. He hurt. She felt pain twangs for him. He was like a child being forced into an ugly world. When he did look at her, he was trying to hold steady. She could applaud his resolve, if this were not counseling, and if he had no displayed to her his great pain not even a few minutes ago.

His question was a prompt for her to self disclose. She had two options here; indulge him, and risk making this session unethical, or rebuff him, and miss the chance to develop rapport. It was very clear to her which route to take;
“Of course, Bila.” She spoke, her voice softer still, “It’s happened many times for me. It sounds to me that you’re worried you acted to protect your ego. Is that right?”

Re: SD 57561.14: Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #6 –
[ Lt. JG Izar Bila | Counselor office | USS Theurgy]
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"No, not in order to protect my ego... I'm worried that I pushed the situation too far because my own pride prevented me from realizing that there was nothing left I could do," he explained, leaning forward. He rested his elbows on his bony knees and placed his bare chin on his hands, pensive. "I am worried that my arrogance prevented me from being objective and I' m even more concerned that this situation will happen again in the future." He confessed.  For a moment he looked away from the counsellor and directed it to his Padd. He tapped the screen briefly, until the device showed a long table full of columns and numbers, with different hovering charts over some data, indicating the relationships between the raw values he had been evaluating. Finally, he offered the device to Ejek, so that she could read the data that had occupied his mind the last two days.

"There were a dozen of assimilated people in the lab when I arrived, and more came in as I was calibrating the ORE. In the first few minutes a few succumbed to the Collective's Call and we had active drones threateningin the lab. Security intervened, but there were new assimilated in no time." He outlined briefly to put the counselor in context with the situation. "I haven't been in such a stressful situation since the War, if I'm honest, Borgs' attacks aside," he said. There was no need to explain which War. At the time, half the Starfleet members were veterans of the Dominion War, and possibly Ejek had treated a good handful of them. That is if she hadn't fought in it as well. Cardassians were a rarity in Starfleet when he attended the Academy, and even in that year they were relatively uncommon, given the bad blood that had run between the Union and the Federation. Therefore, it was most likely that Ejek had been on the wrong side of the Starfleet Phasers in those years, so it was best not to delve too deeply into the subject. Bila didn't know what emotional scars the counselor might have due the conflict between his common people and their current workmates and he really wanted to have a good relationship with the counselor.

" I have no shame in admitting that I'm a lab rat. I usually analyze chemicals and synthesize others. Occasionally I have been in charge of sensor arrays in combat situations, but even in those circumstances I have always kept a relative distance from the conflict. When there have been casualties and wounded, I've usually been the one who ended up in sickbay." He chuckled with little humour. He knew he wasn't a strong man, in physical terms. His time in the refugee camp, half-starved, had messed with his development and had left him with a body accustomed to hardships but fragile at the same time. "Anyway, besides Ekon there was another crew member of the Cayuga among the patients, so we could say that I was... emotionally implicated." Despite the slight pause, Bila managed to keep his voice firm as he thought about how Kyth's Assimilation had affected him. He was still confused about how he felt about the betazoid, and it wasn't time to reflect about it, but he definitely couldn't be objective when she was around him. "In other circumstances I would have delegated to other people to handle the situation, but only Ekon and I had worked actively in the ORE to completely understand it, and he was... well, not too available at the moment." Bila scratched his chin for a second. Unaccustomed to the lack of a beard, his nails left brown lines on his delicate skin. "Anyhow I was doing a patients triage to determine the order in which they should be treated. I had left intuctions to treat a specific type of patient, human, male, weighing about 85 kilos. But the doctor used those parameters with Ekon. He was another half-breed, human-passable, so I can understand the mistake, but..." Bila let the anger he had felt flow into his voice, although he didn't reveal who had made the mistake. The doctor MUST have known that Eboh was half El-Aurian. She had been Cayuga's CMO after all. It was an unforgivable failure in the chemist's eyes.

"The radiation amount that Ekon got was insufficient to treat him... but too much to receive a second dose to save his life. All he did was get a radiation poisoning and extreme pain. After that... the chances of saving him were almost nil. I knew it. And yet I insisted on giving him a second dose, because that little chance to fulfill the promise I had made him was enough for me. I ignored Ekon's desire to die quickly if he passed the point of no return and... I begged him to let me try a second round. The result... well, see for yourself," he added, passing several windows in the padd until it showed the images from Ekon's autopsy.

The pictures showed a body burnt by radiation. The flesh had disappeared at several locations. Some organs and muscles had been liquified. It was a horrible sight. "The snapshots don't do justice to the torment that was his last minutes," said Bila, his voice plagued with guilt. "I knew that was the most likely outcome. I knew the suffering he would have to endure, even if he survived. But I insisted... and still today I wonder if it was because I really wanted to save him at all costs, or because I couldn't bear to lose against the Borg again. To admit that I wasn't smart enough to develop a cure quickly enough. Effective enough... and I pushed Ekon to that... horrible death, to try to prove to the Universe that I was above the Will of the Prophets..."


OOC: Ekon last minutes could be read here

Re: Day 02 [0900 hrs.] Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #7 –
[ Lt. Zelosa Ejek | Counselor's Office | USS Theurgy]


Once more, Ejek sat back and listened, watching Bila’s face as he spoke. She intended to do this for the majority of his speaking, but he handed her a PADD. She took it from him, briefly scanning the numbers to understand what she was looking at. She continued to look it over, sometimes her eyes returning to Bila as he spoke. She was quiet, her face still a gentle, compassionate one. If she had distress over the war being mentioned, she did not betray it.

However, the images of the body did elicit a reaction. Her eyes widened, her eyebrows raised. It struck a fear in her, fear and disgust. She did not spend more than a second looking at the images displayed on the PADD. She set it down on the table between them and took a deep breath, hoping to quell the rising nausea. For as frightened as it made her, she was composed on the outside.

“...Certainly a traumatizing event. So, what I’m hearing is that a poor judgement call was made by your superior at the time, one that you followed without knowing it was a poor call until later As a result, Ekon began to die, and you tried to correct the mistake, knowing it would not work, and against Ekon’s will. Have I got all the pieces of the story in the right place?” She knew that she did understand the story, but this summary was a chance for Bila to step in with extra details if he so needed to. She paused and waited for a response, just in case, but she was already formulating what she would say two, three steps down the line.

Re: Day 02 [0900 hrs.] Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #8 –

[ Lt. JG Izar Bila | Counselor office | USS Theurgy]
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After Ejek left the Padd on the table, Bila picked it up almost immediately. So much so, that his fingers almost brushed against the counselor's. Almost. However, it wasn't a carefully studied gesture, but a purely casual one, as his attention was directed elsewhere, to the images that the Padd still showed. He knew them by heart. Not only because he had witnessed Ekon's death firsthand, but because he had compulsively studied the reports since it had occurred. He had seen the horror in the counselor's eyes. It had been barely a blink, before the woman wore her professional mask again. Bila's face, on the other hand, showed no repulsion, but rather regret. And guilt. It wasn't that the hybrid had more stomach than his fellow cardassian. However, he had spent so much time looking at the images that his capacity to be horrified by them had diminished to almost dissapear.

For a moment, the half-cardassian lost himself in memories of what had happened, his hazel eyes fixed on the padd. In what he could have done and in what he failed to do. How the situation could have changed if things had happened differently.  However, Ejek's questions took him out of his ponderings and his gaze focused on the councillor's face. "It wasn't exactly like that," he hastened to refute. "It was rather that... I tried to rely on another crewmember, one with a greater knowledge of medicine... and who coincidentally has a higher rank than mine. But my advice was only partially followed, which led to Ekon's poisoning. I... I am not a doctor, but I'm well versed in what radiation poisoning can do. It's part of our basic training as chemists, to keep us safe." Bila rubbed nervously his orbital ridge, looking to put the situation in context without snitching on T'Panu. "I should have taken charge of the ORE since, despite not having the most in-depth medical knowledge, I was the one who had the most awareness of what Omicron Radiation can do. I shouldn't have delegated, I should have acted alone instead. I should have been in control of the situation.... " he began to blame himself. When he realized that maybe he wasn't being completely objective with his last statements and that guilt possibly leaked into his words he stopped his speech for a minute.

"When I realized what had happened...  I tried to amend it. I knew it was almost impossible to save Ekon at that point but I... I had to try. I couldn't accept that I just had to stand there and watch him turn into a drone, or put a phaser on his temple and pull the trigger as he wished..."

Bila leaned forward and hid his face between his hands. "I... begged Ekon to let me treat him. He accepted. But given the amount of radiation he had undergone, the treatment shock and the assimilation progression I cannot guarantee that his mental faculties would allow him to fully understand what he was going to suffer. I explained it to him. I told him what he would have to endure. But with his brain half fried by radiation... I don't know for sure if he was aware of what I was asking him to undergo. Or if he simply trusted in me." Bila chuckled behind his hands,
 with no hint of humour on it. A muffled sound that sounded almost like a groan. "Ekon was... a specist. He hated Cardassians. He didn't try to hide it at all, he even admitted to me that he had killed several of us with his own hands. He only had some trust in me since I'm a half-breed, but I know he was always reluctant about my research with the ORE. After all, in his eyes I'm half-cardassian, so only half-trustworthy," Bila reluctantly explained. He disliked to speak ill about someone who had met the Prophets, but it was a part of Eboh's character that he couldn't ignore. He had been as he had been, despite the fact that in the last few days they had ironed out some of their misunderstandings. "That is why I doubt if he was fully aware of what he was agreeing to in his last moments. I had earned his respect, at least to some extent. But as much as to put his death in my hands? I'm not sure."

He certainly wasn't. And the self-loathing with which he had dealt for years only raised further doubts. Izar had been told ad nauseam that his Cardassian blood made him untrustworthy. And he was more than aware that he was the son of a collaborator. He had treachery in his blood. This was what they had repeated to him on Bajor until he had internalized it so much that he couldn't tell if that thought was his own or if he had acquired it. Had Ekon been a victim of this innate tendency towards treason? He was uncertain.

Re: Day 02 [0900 hrs.] Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #9 –
[ Lt. Zelosa Ejek | Counselor's Office | USS Theurgy]

Their fingers almost touched. It made her skin tingle--but why? Why should it? She felt no attraction to this strange man who grows hair on his face like an adolescent klingon boy. Was she truly so starved for affection that her heart would flutter for anyone who paid her mind? That couldn’t be. She shoved those feelings way back down--she had counseling to do.

With her mind back in the moment, she was better able to focus. She was watching him, so heartbroken over the images he saw, so full of regret for what had happened…She sat and she listened. Her eyes were fixed on the other’s face. On the outside, counseling seemed like a whole lot of nothing--sitting about, listening, being very still. However here, between Bila and Ejek, magic was happening.

“You tried to fix what you saw as a mistake. It seems to me that you valued trying to save a life, even if you knew it would be fruitless. Maybe you were also trying to prove him wrong too--that you can be trusted.” She suggested, and crossed her legs. It was time, she decided. Time for the trickiest maneuver in the counselor handbook. Self disclosure.

“It can be difficult if you look Cardassian. Full blooded, half blooded…if you look Cardassian, that’s what matters. No matter how open-minded someone may be, they may not trust you based on what you look like. For someone like you, who values kindness and empathy, it’s hurtful. You want to be someone others can trust. It sounds like that’s why this hurts you so much. Maybe that is also why you made the choice you did."

“What you did is normal. If anything, I must commend you for keeping your calm under such immense pressure. I have seen far worse happen. Your responses right now--the grieving, the guilt, the trauma, they are also normal. What I want to ask you is what sort of person will allow yourself to become, based on this experience?”

Re: Day 02 [0900 hrs.] Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #10 –

[ Lt. JG Izar Bila | Counselor office | USS Theurgy]
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Bila listened to the counselor's words with full attention. It was not easy to get rid of the guilt, it was a pernicious emotion that clung to the depths of his being but he felt a point... relief. Somehow. The hybrid took a deep breath and allowed himself  the tiniest smile. It didn't reach his eyes but... he really felt it. He had tried to save Ekon, he had done everything in his hands... even if it had failed. He had tried, and on that occasion that was perhaps the most important thing. The intentionality, the effort, even if it has had the worst result.

Ejek's subsequent suggestion left him thoughtful, his hand stroking his now bare chin. The counsellor's words were too close to home. And the fact that the speaker was another Cardassian made him trust that she had full insight into what she was talking about. She... she was right. She HAD to be right. He had experienced it before. It was hard to get over his gray features and, as much as his upbringing since he left Bajor had been only from the maternal part of his ancestry, his appearance was still VERY Cardassian. The features that marked him as someone with mixed ancestry were often ignored. Even the beard that insisted on darkening his jaw, so atypical among his unknown father's people.  Izar leaned forward, resting his face on the back of his hands, in a perfect attentive pose. He sipped at the counselor's words, like a man lost in the desert who had suddenly found that an oasis was real, not a mirage.

"What kind of person I want to be?" he repeated the Cardassian's words. "I... want to be better, a better professional. So that this won't happen again. I want to... learn to maintain control over the situation. Be more careful, more thoughtful." He leaned back again, resting against the couch, more relaxed. "I must try to be a better version of myself. Trust myself more..." he paused briefly and looked into the counselor's eyes. After an instant her hazel eyes sparkled, some of his smug nature back again. "Maybe that's a way for others to trust me too," he joked with a wink. Part of the weight he felt deep in his chest had eased. Guilt and grief were still there, lurking, but his heart seemed a little lighter.

"Jokes aside. I need to set up a team. Join the crew, know who I can count on, who I can lean on. Science is a group endeavour where there is no room for big egos.  I must learn on whom I can count on and who can rely on me. So next time a mistake will not go unnoticed..."

Re: Day 02 [0900 hrs.] Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #11 –
[ Lt. Zelosa Ejek | Counselor's Office | USS Theurgy]

She did not expect that Bila would leave her office happy. That would be a miracle, and she was not a miracle worker. However the small smile was a powerful sign. At the very least, she could guide Bila to become more mindful of his growth, rather than what had happened. If he could become growth-minded, he would have at least one protective factor against the long lasting effects of trauma.

She did not have to do too much to prompt him to keep going. He already had goals, and it sounded like he had the beginnings of plans to meet those goals too. She offered him another warm smile.
“Sounds like you already know what sort of person you must be. You’ve started to touch on my next question, and that would be this: what actions will you take to become that person? What exactly will you be doing in the upcoming weeks to join the crew, or set up a team, become a better person...?"

"Now," She gestured with her hands as if she were teaching a lesson, "Keep in mind, a good goal is specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and timely. That means you'll want to set goals that have a place, a person, a due date, and it's something you can expect yourself to complete by that due date. I applaud you for wanting to 'shoot for the stars', as it were," Her eyes twinkled, with something like humor, "But in order for you to become that better person, you need to clearly define the path to get there."

Re: Day 02 [0900 hrs.] Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #12 –
[ Lt. JG Izar Bila | Counselor office | USS Theurgy]
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Bila reflected for a few minutes, scratching his bare chin. The questions the counselor had raised deserved deep consideration, but the encouraging smile she was bringing him inspired the Bajcardie to give a quicker reply as possible. Perhaps not thinking too much was the best thing to do at this point. After all, overthink had led him to where he was right then. "Well, a colleague contacted me to arrange a meeting and discuss the vaccines I developed... Tyreke Okafor, a Synthetic Biologist. I haven't had much interaction with him, but he seems like a calm, responsible man." he explained in a pensive tone. "Maybe it's a good way to get involved in the department's current projects. Be helpful." It was more like 'feeling useful' what he should have said. But it was more than implicit in the conversation they had so far.


A wandering thought passed through his mind. A face. A contemptuous smile. "Well..." he continued with less confidence, as his face began to compose a grimace. "There's also the Ogamĵan, of course..." Bila remained silent and pursed his lips for a moment. His relationship with the old Cardassian was... strange, to say the least. As much as he wanted to deny it, Bila admired him. Above all his keen intelligence, but also the security with which he managed everything around him. As far as he could tell, Silim Parnak thought that there was no one more important than Silim Parnak in the universe, and that those who were not aware of this fact were simply not worthy of attention. He also admired the xenobiologist's ability to simply IGNORE anything that didn't matched his line of thought and turn any criticism cast against him into witty backlash. However, he abhorred the way he treated him, the way he made him feel small and unimportant. Worse still, whenever the Doctor was around, Bila felt the need to prove him... SOMETHING. That he was better, that he was an equal, whatever it was. He wasn't even sure what he really needed to prove to him. And still less WHY he should have proved him anything. Possibly if he could look at Parnak as a person and not as a...  adversary or whatsoever, he could see him in a better light. Learn from him, from their common background. But he had to gulp down many things... "He is a ... conceited, presumptuous, petulant and thinks he is better than he actually is." he described in a bitter tone. "But he's a really smart bastard... and he was a big help with the ORE and all that..." In fact, they had complemented each other quite well while working together.... if he ignored how many times Parnak has looked down at him.


From nx kardasi by noxfox
Ogamĵan →  oldman, politely distanced

Re: Day 02 [0900 hrs.] Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #13 –
[ Lt. Zelosa Ejek | Counselor's Office | USS Theurgy]

“Ogamĵan, I assume you mean Doctor Parnak?” She sounded bemused. Tickled, even. Once again Bila hinted at a sort of relationship with Parnak that was at once fond and adversarial. If only she could learn more. She considered spending more time in their session exploring their relationship…Maybe. It seemed Bila was feeling rejected, which may be a problem, but if it turned out to be a non-issue, she decided she would not continue to push. She was a professional, after all, and counseling was not a place for gossip.

“It sounds like you have at least two people you could work on developing better relationships with, which is good, but it also sounds like you’re having a conflict with Ogamĵan.” She repeated, smiling as she said the word and remembered the ‘old man’s’ gentle touch on her hands…Wait, hold on girl, that’s not what we’re thinking about right now.

“I’d like for you to be able to overcome this trauma. It seems like establishing yourself as a professional and creating social bonds with others is important. Forming bonds with other Cardassians would be helpful too. It seems to me like you would benefit from hearing their experiences within the Federation. With that said, I’d like to hear more about your relationship with the Doctor. It sounds like it’s tumultuous.”

Re: Day 02 [0900 hrs.] Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #14 –

[ Lt. JG Izar Bila | Counselor office | USS Theurgy]
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"Yeah, yes, 'Doctor' Parnak" replied Bila with a tone between sour and ashamed. The epithet was an old habit, something so deeply engrained in his education that he was not even fully aware of using it. The xenobiologist deserved respect (even if only for being an older, full cardassian male) so he was automatically that. Ogamĵan. Even though he wanted to stick splinters under his fingernails about half the time he spend with him. Or something like that, if he were a man inclined towards violence. Even so, the counselor probably didn't understand his hostility toward Parnak and she seemed baffled. He kind of understand her in that regard. If he was honest to himself, he didn't understand why he felt like that either.

Still, he kept listening to Ejek. He admitted the accuracy of her words, but in spite of that, he crossed his arms close to his chest and threw himself back in the couch, moving slightly away from the counselor. On a defensive stand. "I..." he began to say before he paused to snort out in frustration. "Of course I want to form connections with other Cardassians. Ku, I' ve spent almost two decades without having any contact with any other of our kind. I... I NEED to recover that part of me, of who I am," he admitted grudgingly. It wasn't easy to admit. Not to a counselor. Not even to Ejek, who had proved to be more understanding and supportive than... Well, most of the counselors he had dealt with in his early years in the Federation. 

Despite this, the bajcardie clenched his jaw and averted his gaze. "Ogamĵan was the first Cardassian male I've met since I fled from Bajor... but he's... hard to deal with." If Bila had pronounced a understatement in his life it was that one. Although he tried to repress it, the hybrid grunted again, more angry than he had been since... since the last time he had dealt with Ogamĵan. So grumpy was he that, for a moment, he forgot the original reason why he had come to the appointment. "I swear by the Prophets that he enjoys humiliating me, I had tried to be polite to him, but he is a... a..." Words didn't even come out for his throat. He knew he had to try. He knew he WANTED to get along with Dr. Parnak. But he also wanted to punch him in the face at that moment.

From nx kardasi by noxfox
Ogamĵan →  oldman, politely distanced
ku → shit (swear shortner)

Re: Day 02 [0900 hrs.] Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #15 –
[ Lt. Zelosa Ejek | Counselor's Office | USS Theurgy]

She was tickled, absolutely tickled. Bila had no context for how Cardassian friendships worked, and yet here he was, re-enacting the roles of one of the many kinds of friendships found back at home. He may only be a halfie, but the Cardassian side of him still had an influence. A strong one at that! She couldn’t help it. Her smile widened, and it grew into a gentle laugh.

“Bila, all this grumbling! If I didn’t know better, I’d say you had a crush on the man. Ah, but in all seriousness,” She composed herself, but her big smile was still there, “You’re having trouble connecting with him because you are treating him as you would treat a Bajoran male, and the doctor is treating you as he would a full blooded Cardassian male. It is no wonder that you’re having difficulty ‘dealing’ with him! It’s likely you’ve never had a Cardassian friendship such as this before, so it’s only natural. How fortunate you’ve found such a tolerant Cardassian to befriend too.” She sat back, her tone like that of a mother.

“Allow me to explain to you the inner workings of Cardassian relationships. There are two words you should know, tuvraýn, and uain. They both mean trust in Standard, but they have different connotations. Uain is healthy trust--and healthy distrust. In an ideal situation, Doctor Parnak will have Uain for you. That is to say, he trusts that you will carry out your duties, that you will perform to the best of your abilities, that you will be behaving well around him in order to earn his favor, and that you will inevitably betray him. This is because in this relationship, he is in power. He extends uain to you out of respect for you--if he did not suspect that you could betray him, then either he is a fool, or he genuinely believes that you are so far beneath him that any threat you could pose is negligible.”

”What you are attempting to offer is known as tuvraýn. It is considered unhealthy trust. In the Federation, and on Bajor, the type of trust that you will so most often is tuvraýn. In the Federation, it is common to trust others on the basis of their word or reputation alone, or to have blind faith in them. In essence, Doctor Parnak is approaching your working relationship as he would a Cardassian one, and you are approaching it as you would a Bajoran one.”

“The ideal relationship between two men in a position such as this one is that the superior expects respect, some ‘kissing up’ as it is known in Standard. He must also be aware that you are likely watching him in case he slips up, waiting to take the opportunity to steal his job, his position, or even simply embarrassing him. Your role would be to fulfill those expectations, to work and prove yourself as useful to him. He will be a mentor--just not the Federation kind. He will trust you too--but he will have uain for you, not tuvraýn. That he acts the way he does, putting you down and humiliating you, is typical. Though, I expect some of it may be because he sees tuvraýn from you, and is attempting to correct that behavior in you before you are hurt by it. Much like a father figure, in a way.”

“That is a simple version of the complexities of Cardassian relationships. Truthfully, it is an art and I cannot explain it all to you in a single counseling session. Some individuals spend their whole lives refining their understanding of the matter. But I hope my explanation has helped you understand somewhat. I feel it is important for you to continue trying to develop your relationship with Doctor Parnak. It sounds as if he is modelling a healthy Cardassian relationship for you. I think being able to get in touch with your Cardassian side and develop that relationship may help you move past this trauma as you start to develop self efficacy beyond this situation.” She concluded, and then went quiet to let Bila respond.

Re: Day 02 [0900 hrs.] Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #16 –
[ Lt. JG Izar Bila | Counselor office | USS Theurgy]
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When Ejek's laughter jingled like music in the consulting room, Bila stared at her, still with his arms clasped across his chest and an absolutely confused expression on his face. That expression quickly became one of fright and hurt and embarrassed pride as soon as the counsellor explained the reason for her hilarity. His jaw hung down in an expression of blatant bewilderment and horrified shock, while his cheeks and ears tinged with an intense sienna hue, which descended to disappear below the collar of his uniform. " I-don''t, nono, that's not what..." he quickly mumbled, trying to explain as fast as he could how MISLEAD she was. At some point he gagged on his own words. The sudden heat rising from the scales on his neck due to the blush nearly suffocated him. Only then was he able to hear the lesson Ejek was teaching him. A unique and valuable lesson that Bila took a few minutes to appreciate given the embarrassment he felt.

Gradually the information began to percolate in his brain and so Bila leaned forward, self-absorbed in that enlightening shard of Cardassian culture. Something that he had been able to observe at his most tender age, but that he had never fully understood. Something he had not experienced so far.

If what Ejek was explaining was correct, he must have felt... 'honored' to be treated by Parnak as a Cardassian with pure blood. He was bitsah to any Cardassian who looked at him for more than three seconds and had been designated more times as a bitpilimar than as a bittulimar. He was well aware that he, like the rest of the half-bajoran, was an uncomfortable reality for the Union. All in all, he found difficult to picture the Ogamĵan as 'tolerant'. Cynical and arrogant were adjectives that described him better.

Ejek reclined, leaning back in her couch and Bila leaned forward even more, both elbows resting on his knees and his now smooth face resting on his hands. As attentive as a student fascinated by the lesson given by the teacher. And what a lesson the counsellor gave him. Uain and tuvraýn. The change of concept was a real shock for the hybrid. It was something that resonated somewhere within him, in an almost forgotten corner of his mind, in indirect experiences and barely remembered lessons. But it seemed right. Even his relationship with Ravon was somehow unconsciously influenced by that philosophy. But, at the same time, everything clashed head-on with his way of understanding relationships, with his way of operating in society, in the way he thought he SHOULD behave. With how his mother had educated him. With his experience in the Federation. With all the efforts he had made to blend in. That revelation amazed him. So all he could do was blink slowly, like a reptile, and he kept on listening to Ejek's words.

When she explained that, if Bila acted the 'proper' way Parnak would be more than a mentor for him, nearly as a surrogate father figure more than a mentor, the hybrid felt a pang in his chest. At the end of the day, he hadn't met his real father. He had no clue who he was or had been. And she gave him that prospect, that someone, someone who could be how his father could act as such if he behaved as he ought to. It was painful. A need that Bila had buried a long time ago since he never expected to be able to satisfy it. But that Ejek had awakened with her words. Or maybe... maybe it was always been there, from the very moment he met Parnak for the first time. Bila gasped. Was that what he felt around Parnak? That need, twisted and disturbed by Ogamĵan's despotism? The internal debate was obviously reflected in his face. In the way his eyes moved and his pupils dilated and contracted. In how Bila crumpled his hands. In how he tilted his head so that his earring tinkled quietly.

"I think... I think I get it now," he murmured in a pensive tone, long after the counselor had finished her speech. His browridges were deeply knitted over his hazel eyes and, at that moment, he didn't even know if it was due to a reflective attitude or an outraged one. "He expects me to glorify him and, at the same time, that I'll stab him in the back as soon as I have the slightest chance... it is certainly not... how I've behaved around him. Not at all, at least," he admitted, almost more for himself than for the counselor. "I guess...I guess I can try to deal with Ogamĵan in a way that is more akin to what he expects. Even though my initial impulse is very different," he admitted. The truth was that the mere presence of the Xenobiologist had ruffled feathers on practically all the occasion they had met. But the opportunities Ejek was raising were too covetous to let them pass so easily. It was his first chance to befriend another Cardassian male in his adult life, and if he had to make concessions to earn his favour... he would do so. As this resolution grew stronger in his mind, Bila rubbed his bare chin. After a few long minutes, he looked up again, his eyes long lost somewhere between the counselor's side and the couch cushion. "Tell me, Ma'am, how do you think it is more fitting way I should approach Ogamĵan... just interact with him in a work environment or should I seek him out in a more informal situation?"

Nx Kardasi
bitsah → half-breed, hybrid (less offensive)
bitpilimar → worst half (sarcastic calling to halfbreeds)
bittulimar → better half (tender calling to halfbreeds)
Ogamĵan →  oldman, politely distanced
Uain → healthy trust and healthy distrust
uvraýn → unhealthy trust

OOC:
text colour and italics to be added soon

Re: Day 02 [0900 hrs.] Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #17 –
[ Lt. Zelosa Ejek | Counselor's Office | USS Theurgy]

It seems she awakened an entirely new line of thinking in Bila. Good, she thought, but her heart also felt pity. Bila would never be able to integrate into Cardassian society. She didn’t know why Parnak was treating him as if he were one, because he wasn’t. Maybe it pity as well? Bila just had that sort of face you couldn’t help but feel sorry for…

Then the next question should be, why was she helping him? Why would she delude him into thinking he could be a part of this world? She answered that one quickly--because it was a beautiful, intricate world, so full of life and nuance and it was so heart breakingly wonderful. And she hoped she could have someone who would stand by the sidelines of that world with her, wishing they could join it.

“If it were me…” She crossed her legs, her fingers going to her chin as she thought about the situation. “…I would keep your encounters with him strictly formal for a time, if only to show the change in your behavior. Once he sees that you are acting the way he expects, you may find it easier to meet with him outside of work--though again, I advise caution. He expects you to betray him. It would be very common on Cardassia. You will likely find him to be just as tight-lipped outside of work.”

“I cannot promise that things will work out.” She begins again, her tone changing to a softer, gentler one. “I know you were not raised to befriend others in this way. It may be uncomfortable for you. But it also sounds like you’re willing to try to explore the better half of your culture. I will be happy to be your guide in that.”

"I suppose you should also know that you're not required to backstab him. Perhaps it would be more your style just to seem as if you are, just to keep him anxious, but never do anything to harm his career." She thought about not mentioning this but...It was Bila. The halfie in front of her was part Bajoran--she couldn't honestly expect Bila to betray the way a Cardassian could. It would be like asking a human to mind meld the way a Vulcan could. He was simply too diluted down. But he could try. Part of her wished he would, just to see what he was capable of...

Re: Day 02 [0900 hrs.] Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #18 –
[ Lt. JG Izar Bila | Counselor office | USS Theurgy]
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Ejek's advice sounded like wisdom. The most sensible option to try to master this new way of interacting. In addition, the hybrid believed that he had a few ideas to lure the old Cardassian to share a lab with him again from time to time. Bila might not have had the slightest idea of how to approach Parnak as a man of their specie ought to, but he knew well how to arouse a scientist's curiosity. So, he nooded in agreement to the counselor words and then scratched his bare chin, nearly mimicking the woman's gesture in an unconscious fashion. "I guess I'll have to get used to that reserve." The chemist accepted this out loud. However, the prospect of the xenobiologist retaining a cautious attitude while he was present only spurred his desire to behave as was expected around Ogamĵan. It was a challenge, a task whose prize was worth all the effort he could put into it. No matter how little chance of success he had.

"I guess if I don't try I'll never know if I can make it work" he replied to Ejek's kind warning, a half smile etched in his face.  When she praised him for pursuit his Cardassian background, blush rose to Bila's cheeks, dyeing them with a slight sienna glow. The better half of his culture. He didn't quite agree with that assertion. Both parts of his culture were intrinsically part of him. But he was hungry for that kind of approval coming from someone from his unknown father's people. He couldn't prevent it.

Finally, Ejek told him that he was not bound to double-cross Parnak once he had earned his trust, but only to give the impression that he was willing to do so. Bila felt a knot form in the mouth of his stomach. That kind of behavior really was... Quite contrary to his nature, he failed to see himself able to betray someone in a violent manner. The knot tightened more firmly. But treason was no stranger for him, he thought as the corners of his mouth trembled for a brief moment. After all, he had already betrayed the institution he served, even if it had been for a good cause. As Bila had told Ravon on more than one occasion, whether he liked it or not, he had treason in his blood. The hybrid breathed shallowly and put those dark thoughts aside to focus on the time and place that he was at that moment.

"I would appreciate any guidance you could provide me on how to be a proper Cardassian, counselor. From the bottom of my heart." He assured shortly thereafter, hazel eyes gleaming with hope at the new perspectives opening up before him. "I... I just hope I don't interfere with your duties just to ask a small question about our culture," he said. "Perhaps ... perhaps it would be more convenient to deal with those aspects outside of the office? Something informal, a kind of mentorship," he asked eagerly.



Ogamĵan →  oldman, politely distanced

Re: Day 02 [0900 hrs.] Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #19 –
[ Lt. Zelosa Ejek | Counselor's Office | USS Theurgy]

She was proud of him, in some ways. He was at a natural disadvantage, having been so distanced from Cardassian culture. He was farther from it than she was, and yet here was Bila smiling and saying he would jump in. If he didn’t try, he’ll never know if he can. Bold, optimistic words, and perhaps, words that she should take to heart sometime herself…

And then Bila had the audacity to ask if this was appropriate in the office. Her smile was involuntary. She couldn’t help but beam. He was such a child sometimes, so endearing, even though he didn’t mean to be. Perhaps that’s why she had so much pity in her heart for the halfie.

“Bila, we can discuss this wherever you like. If you’re concerned about using session time to discuss matters of culture, we could always set up regular lunch meetings. After all, in Cardassian culture, to share a discussion with someone over a meal is traditional. I am by no means an expert in Cardassian culture, but I'd be willing to be your mentor.” Truthfully she’d rather spend her meals with Parnak, a man of great wit, and terribly handsome. However Bila would have to do.

“I brought up the topic here because I thought it would help. You’ve experienced a trauma, and it seems that building better relations with your peers is a goal that might help you overcome that trauma. Is that something you’d like to return to?” She had gone off-topic. She would admit that was an error on her part. His chief complaint was coping with a loss of life. However once they had gone off path, Bila just had so many interesting problems to explore.

Perhaps lunch with him wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Re: Day 02 [0900 hrs.] Cardassian Rhapsody

Reply #20 –

[ Lt. JG Izar Bila | Counselor office | USS Theurgy]
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Bila nodded earnestly as Ejek explained that they could transfer their questions about Cardassian culture to an over-meal meeting. This, in turn, was ANOTHER Cardassian custom. One in which, somehow, he had become entangled with Meki aboard the Cayuga, absolutely unaware of its meaning and tradition. Knowing that he would not steal time from other patients for their own growth over their shared background made him relax his posture and a smile loosened again on his lips, a reflection of that of Ejek's. He didn't quite know why she was smiling, but he didn't need to know too much about Cardassian practices to realize it was a warm, sincere smile. Quite different from Parnak's innuendo-filled smirks. And, for some reason, that made him feel glad, as if he had been given something precious that he didn't expect.  Aside of a mentorship friendlier than what he could expect from Ogamĵan. "Then we'll have lunch together next Thursday," he hastened to confirm with a bright grin.  "I will make a list of the doubts I encounter during the week," he added with a firm nod. If anything could define Bila it was that he was meticulous. And curious. Which ensured that the list of questions he would have prepared for Ejek would be several dozen pages long.

However, when Ejek changed the subject and returned to what had brought him to his office, the hybrid expression was ostensibly clouded. The smile lingered a his lips, but there was no enthusiasm in it anymore, only melancholy. But at least the guilt that had dragged him before the counselor wasn't so evident, neither so poignant.  "I think, on that subject, all I can do now is allow myself some time to mourn Ekon," he stated softly. "I have heard that there will be a ceremony to honor the casualties at noon, including the crews of other ships that were just...eh... abandoned here, like Ekon and I. I think it would be good for me if I attended the service. Maybe it will help me to find some solace." he added as he rose to his feet. The counsellor had redirected the conversation to what he could do to prevent something like Ekon's death would happen again and that was what Bila would keepin mind once he left the room. He didn't want to fall back into the spiral of guilt and self-pity in which he had been immersed when he arrived.

Before he left, the hybrid bowed slightly to the counselor, according to Bajoran custom. Only when he had reached the door and it had opened before him, did he realize it. The realization of something he knew but had forgotten simply appeared in his mind. It was not a shock, it was not a dramatic experience. Bila simply remembered it.  "Jahak" he said without turning to face Ejek. The Cardassian word rolled pleasantly in his tongue. " Jahak"he repeated again, with more conviction  "That was my cardassian name, before I forgot it" he whispered before the door closed behind him.

FIN


Ogamĵan →  oldman, politely distanced
Thanks to @Nolan who rustled up a name for Bila 9 months ago :)
 
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