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DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

'[ Cameron Henshaw | Turbolift | Deck 05 ] Attn: Hayden O'Connor, Lin Kae

The buzzing of the turbolift was the only sounds generating in small space that Cameron Henshaw occupied at the moment.Her arms were crossed over her chest as she stared up to the top of the lift. A PADDhad been trapped between her bosom and arms containing some information about Lin Kae.  She had given the request for counseling of Lin Kae some thought and imagined she could always just sit in on it if needed. She wasn't sure that taking the lead on his case would serve any party any good. She had already requested for Chief counselor Hayden O'Conner to meet her at the Turbolift before they would walk over to Lin Kae's quarters. The lieutenant had been given quarters arrest pending the situation.

Cameron believed that O'Conner would be best briefed about the losses Lin Kae had endured during the time of their voyage, yet also including some more information about the precarious situation they found themselves in at the moment. Kae was nothing short of a genius regarding Thea's mobile emitters and his role in aiding the ship to become more personal. A lot was relying on the counsel sessions in order to see how Lin Kae could function aboard the ship after his outburst. The risk he had taken and the following events that followed were something that had not to be seen as light mistakes or actions.

As the doors opened Cameron was brought out of her own train of thoughts as she saw Hayden before her. A smile coming over her face as she looked at the counselor straight in the eyes "Lieutenant." she said officially before nodding to her. Hayden outranked her so Cam decided to salute to her as well "Shall we make our way over to Lieutenant Kae's quarters ma'am?" she asked as she took out the PADD that had been with her. "I've taken the liberty to get all known facts and incidents involving lieutenant Kae into a file for you. As well as his latest psych evaluation. I'm not sure if you already looked over them, yet I thought you might find it handy to use during the counseling session." she explained to Hayden as the duo walked down the corridor.

Re: DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

Reply #1 –
[Doctor Hayden O'Connor| Deck 05| USS Theurgy]

As Doctor O'Connor made her way toward the turbolift on deck five of the Theurgy to greet Cameron Henshaw, her mind was awhirl with thoughts. Even privately, O'Connor had resisted admitting just how stressed she was and just how heavy the weight of her responsibilities felt on her shoulders. The truth was, they were all stressed. The truth was, they were all scared. Every single one of them had important jobs to do, and if any one of them failed, it could be the difference between life and death, the difference between dying traitors or living at least long enough to right wrongs.

Of course, Hayden knew her job was as important as any of them, but a small part of her felt guilty all the same because the she wasn't responsible for their survival in the same way so many of them were. She wasn't an engineer who would be judged on the very objective criteria of whether the ship held together in battle. She wasn't a security officer, whose worth would also be objectively judged by the numbers of living crewmembers remaining after a battle or engagement, or by the number of enemies captured. She wasn't in command. She didn't give the kind of orders that carried the same kind of impact on an entire crew.

Yes, her job was important, critical, and a battle all its own, but her losses, at least up until this point, were private. Naturally, her successes were private as well, but that just came with the territory. Every counselor knew, and every doctor knew, at least to some extent, that any success they had was due in part to the patient they were treating or the client they were talking to. To declare victory for any of their successes, and indeed, to speak of anything they offered, was not only tacky, but a direct violation of patient-doctor or patient-counselor confidentiality. On the other hand, no one cared if an engineer took credit for winning the battle against a failing warp core.

But now... Now, people were truly starting to break down psychologically, publicly, spectacularly. Rightly or wrongly, logically or illogically, Hayden felt responsible, and she also felt the weight of other people's judgments. No one had privately or publicly accused her of anything, of course, and no matter how she tried to use that to challenge her own logic, she couldn't escape the feeling that as people like Lahkesis, Lin Kae, and Nathaniel Isley showed signs of psychological harm, of buckling under the weight of stress, that she was to blame. Like a sailor on a boat full of holes desperately trying to dump the water out with a single wooden bucket, it was hard not to feel at times like she had already failed.

Still, Hayden pressed on. She reasoned if she was going to blame herself for the psychological limitations of others, she would only feel worse if she completely gave up.  There she stood, at her own psychological impasse.

She smiled as Henshaw greeted her and nodded as she suggested they walk over to Lin Kae's quarters together. In truth, she was grateful for Henshaw's efforts with Lin Kae, and that was the first thing she wanted to convey. "Please, feel free to call me Hayden. Thank you so much for all your efforts and for being there for Lin Kae. As you can imagine, myself and the other counselors on board have our hands full, so you're welcome to assist us anytime. Still, I imagine you have your hands full as well, so I'm grateful you were able to take the time to join in today." She paused, then offered an answer to Cameron's question, "I've had an opportunity to review all the relevant data, but truthfully, I'm most interested in your overall impressions of the man and of the incidents in general. You obviously were able to build some rapport with him and were able to speak with him not long after the incidents in question, so I'm interested in whatever you have to offer, counselor to counselor."

Re: DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

Reply #2 –
[ Cameron Henshaw | Turbolift | Deck 05 ] Attn: Hayden O'Connor, Lin Kae

Hayden was probably one of the few persons on ship that didn't have anything mission critical on her plate at the moment. However, that didn't mean that she'd have her hands full with the psyche that currently wrecked havoc across the ship. Intense stress and difficult situations took the best of people sometimes and Cameron knew that some people would probably snap under the pressure or have a breakdown of some kind. She really did feel a weight coming off her shoulders when Hayden agreed to check on Lin Kae with her.

"I do have quite a plate full myself, but I'd love to help out where I can. I'm afraid however that until the starbase mission, I'll be little to no help for you counselors." Cameron replied to Hayden. She nodded at Haydens reply about the relevant data being interesting yet not sufficient for a entire picture of Lin Kae. "It's my honest opinion, I think the human psyche of Lin Kae could only take as much. The rapid loss of two of his good friends... If not partners Soo and Skye.. I think they drove him to a turning point. A drop too much so to speak on an already full bucket of water." Cameron said to Hayden. "However, the blackouts he mentioned, I'm not sure where those come from, my counseling sessions are a bit rusty to say the least." she says with a bit of a broken smile "So I'm hoping you could help me with that, if not counsel him entirely.' she concluded as they stop at the door of Lin Kae's quarters.

Cameron chimes the door, letting Lin Kae become aware that they're both there. While they wait for him to open up, Cameron hands over the last PADDS she had to Hayden, in order to bring her entirely up to speed with what she knows.

Re: DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

Reply #3 –
[Doctor Hayden O'Connor| Deck 05]  Attn: Lin Kae and Cameron Henshaw

Hayden offered little more than a silent nod as Henshaw mention the Starbase 84 mission. She tried not to become overwhelmed whenever the mission was brought up, but even when O'Connor avoided speaking of the mission herself, any mention of it by anyone else would always cause her stomach to clench and do flip-flops. Every mission they were involved in was significant, considering they were effectively alone, but ever since the mission was first discussed, everyone knew this particular effort could represent a turning point for all of them. Depending on the outcome, they could either return to the Federation with support to fight the infestation everyone would now know about, or they would be driven further from that hope, perhaps forever. In some ways, she envied Cameron for having things to do directly related to the mission. O'Connor didn't doubt the importance of her contributions to the crew's well-being, but at the same time, it was difficult to be someone who could do little more than cheer for this mission on the sidelines.

In some ways, attending to Lin Kae was a welcome distraction, and in so many others, it only served as a reminder just how high the stakes were and would continue to be, if things didn't go their way. Of course, O'Connor wouldn't allow herself to voice it aloud, but it didn't escape her notice operations involving the Theurgy didn't tend to go as planned. Depending on how one looked at it, that could mean they were all doomed or they were in fact do for some good luck. The counselor exhaled slowly as she was able to cover her anxiety by looking straight ahead, but by making it clear she was listening intently.

Hayden nodded Cameron speculated Lin Kae's current mental state was the result of back-to-back losses. Those experiences alone could break even the most resilient psyches and they all knew they'd been through far more and far worse on top of all of that. O'Connor knew extreme stress could sometimes cause blackouts, or more accurately, dissociative episodes, in some people, but her gut told her there was more to the story that needed to be explored. Hayden didn't doubt Lin Kae's sincerity, at least on the surface, or the influence of extreme stress, but she had to explore things from all angles to feel satisfied.

Naturally, everyone responded to stress differently, but it was true if Kae's response included dissociation, it would be the first such case amongst the Theurgy crew. Was it possible there was something more in Lin Kae's background that would warrant such a response, independent of anything he had experienced on the ship? Hayden had more questions than answers. "I agree, something about these blackouts just doesn't sit right with me. Offhand, the obvious factors to rule out would include alcohol or drug dependency as well as trauma, particularly in childhood and adolescence. I know he's experienced a lot of trauma while he's been aboard, but I can't shake the reality his reaction appears to be unique among the crew." She accepted the PADDs from Cameron as they waited outside Lin Kae's door and smiled. "I'm happy to help or take on his treatment entirely, but right now, I'm just glad you're with me. Under the circumstances, I think it will be a great benefit to have two separate observers."

Re: DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

Reply #4 –
The door opened and Kae was standing there in most of his uniform save for the jacket and blinked a couple of times before nodding first to Cameron then to Hayden and saying "Doctor..Doctor." to both before stepping aside to let the two of them inside.

His quarters for the most part were clean and organized save for a small stack of PADDs on the table in the living room with one of them looking to have been smashed by a fist or something and had been put off to the side of the stack that had been moved to the side.

"Sorry about the mess doctors, been trying to sort through things with some of the extra time that I have on my hands." he explained as he motioned them to have a seat in the living room as he remained standing.

He did manage a small smile of sorts when he looked at Cameron again, "Thank you for humoring a fool's request, Cameron. Well it's not really a fool's request but it's hard to explain you know?" he said as he stood there, looking uncertain if he should sit down or  not.

Re: DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

Reply #5 –
"Hello," Hayden offered to Lin Kae as the two of them entered his quarters. She made sure she didn't openly stare at his quarters, but as she entered, she took a cursory glance around. In truth, she expected the space to be more disorganized given what she'd been told of his mental state not long ago, but then again, in the absence of duty, maybe Lin Kae's response was to become especially tidy. It made his comment about his messy quarters all the more perplexing. Did he have extremely high standards normally or was he just especially anxious about being judged? Hayden wasn't sure, but she did take note of the broken PADD on the table. The damage didn't strike her as that caused by a routine drop off, but she couldn't say for certain what had happened. Still, her intuition told her he was working harder to keep his emotions in check than perhaps he wanted her to know.

For now, all of this was supposition until she had more information, but one advantage over having Kae engage Henshaw first was that it allowed Hayden to take in her surroundings fully and make mental notes while the two chatted. O'Connor waited for Henshaw to respond, knowing the two of them would be able to establish better rapport with him overall if they allowed him to decide whom to engage initially. It certainly made sense he'd start with the woman he knew better.

Re: DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

Reply #6 –
[ Cameron Henshaw | Kae's quarters | Deck 05 ] Attn: Hayden O'Connor, Lin Kae

Henshaw looked at Kae as the doors opened and a friendly smile was seen on her face. "No worries Lin, I'm sure my own quarters aren't tidied up to regulations either."  she said, trying to break the ice with a bit of humor. Stepping in Cameron assumed that Hayden would look around a bit before she'd mix in on the conversation and thus she continued to converse with Lin. Cameron had to smile a bit more as Lin mentioned his humoring request "It's alright, we've been working together for quite some time now, even on the bridge. We're all here for you Lin." she smiled and rested her hand on his shoulder.

"How are you holding up? Time can sometimes be a nuisance." she asked as she walked further into his room before looking at the seating arrangement. She heard out what Lin had to say first before sitting down in one of the couches. She crossed her legs and kept her eyes on Kae as she folded her hands on her lap. "There's no need to explain. Like I said before, I'm here to help." she looked over at Hayden and nodded "So is Hayden." she added.

Re: DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

Reply #7 –
[ Lin Kae | Kae's quarters | Deck 05 ] Attn: Hayden O'Connor, Cameron

Kae tried to ignore how he felt when Cameron placed her hand onto his shoulder, ever since his talk with the cyborged commander he'd been trying to focus more on things rather then just chalking them up to data to be analyzed later.

He felt warm..and ashamed.

"I understand, but it's just I've been feeling very hollow lately even before the deaths of Soo and Skye." he admitted quietly before finally sitting down himself but making sure that he could easily face the two women. "I mean Skye was the closest thing that I had to a sister..hell, any real form of family to be completely honest so when she died the hollow feeling just got so overpowering that I could feel something back here."

He tapped the space directly behind his eyes for a moment. "Just kind of uncorked like a wine bottle and it just flowed out. Commander Trent seemed to think that it's in part because I was just..taking everything in as data references rather then accepting them for what it was."

The young hybrid raised his yes to look at the two women, going back to Cameron again at which point he lowered his gaze again. "Plus it hasn't been easy going about my duties and everything and hearing people muttering about how long I would last the cold of space..hell two of the security officers when I first came to in the brig were actually putting bets down."

Re: DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

Reply #8 –
[Doctor Hayden O'Connor | Kae's Quarters| Deck 05| USS Theugy]  Attn: Cameron Henshaw and Lin Kae

Taking a seat beside Cameron on a nearby couch facing Kae, Hayden listened to what he offered as well as what he did not about how he was feeling. Something in Hayden's gut told her to address the PADD as soon as it was feasible, but as she listened, she was encouraged by how forthcoming he seemed about how he felt. She knew better than to believe he was being entirely forthcoming, as everyone had parts of themselves they kept hidden from others, intentionally or otherwise, but one silver lining about repeated sustained trauma within a group, if one could call it a silver lining, was there was some degree of shared experience and there was at least the opportunity to find a sense of common ground and mutual support. That the trauma and loss became a repeated and sustained experience was not something anyone wanted, of course, but at the very least, it meant the ways people coped could be quickly determined, for better or worse.

While the circumstances and behavior that had brought Kae to this point were his own, his reactions and their emotional impact were not. "I'm hoping it will be some comfort for you to know the hollow feeling you describe has been related by many of the crew I've met with, along with the sensation of the uncorking of your emotions at some point." She smiled wryly and continued, "I don't think I've heard the experience described in quite that way, but it is quite elegant. As Starfleet members, we've all been taught to expect and to cope with extreme stress in the short term. We know how to continue taking in information and to deal with the immediate challenge in front of us while compartmentalizing our emotional reactions to things. That way of approaching challenges is fine as long as there's an opportunity to remove ourselves from the stressful situations periodically and to recharge, but I know I don't have to tell you that's not the situation we are in now."

Hayden's tone grew wistful as she added, "I can help ensure people are given tools and outlets to manage their stress, but as you know, we don't have as many opportunities to remove ourselves from it and to hop a shuttle to Risa as soon as things get difficult. In the absence of being able to remove ourselves from the stress, it means we are going to have to work harder at recognizing what we're feeling, when it's become too intense, and what we need to do to get help.  You've made steps toward that goal by meeting with us, and by giving your feelings a voice, you have established a path forward, when you're ready."

She shook her head. "It is sheer understatement to say it's regrettable some of your fellow crew members have been so unforgiving to you. Their feelings are no less valid, but if there's one thing we should have learned over and over in this entire mess, it's that we only have each other and we must stick together to survive. I'm still trying to understand what happened to you out there, but one would think given the number of times this crew's mind and body have been taken over by forces outside their control, they would have learned by now not to judge so hastily."

What O'Connor offered was simply the truth, just like what she offered next. "I suppose the only question is, are you going to continue to focus on those negative voices, or are you going to choose to focus on those who willingly and without reservation are offering you support?"

Re: DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

Reply #9 –
[ Lin Kae | Kae's quarters | Deck 05 ] Attn: Hayden O'Connor, Cameron

"The irony is that only one person in the whole of security was willing to watch out for me and that was Mister Striker." Kae said with a slight chuckle. "He actually understood what I was going through apparently and pulled double shifts so that I'd have a friendly face other then Thea."

Kae blinked and then leaned forward, his face was somewhat wistful for a moment and when he did speak, it was a little bit softer then his normal speaking voice but when he tried to raise his eyes to look at the two women, his face took on a powerful blush and a guilt look before his eyes quickly aimed downwards. "I was shown what I had said and done on the bridge and I still can't believe that was me..but then again after what happened to Soo...I think that I more then kind of lost myself."

"I..I grew up in a bubble, literally. I had some kind of immune problem when I was an infant and so I really didn't have much human interaction when I was a kid and to make up for it, my father created for me a kind of safe room with the most advanced holographic system available...didn't change the fact that when I wanted my own parents to just hug me, they couldn't." Kae explained before he shook his head and laughed in a very bitter tone before he raised his head to look at the two of them evenly and equally. "It kind of created a sense of detachment when it came to them, I heard them say that they loved me..but I just couldn't feel it."

Kae then indicated the damaged PADD with his right hand, his fingers flexing themselves almost like he was at odds with the hand concerning the item in question. "I watched the recordings of what I said and I don't have any memory of it..I'm not blocking it out because I want to remember, I want to stand on the bridge and apologize to everyone involved for what I did but I can't do it because I don't have the memories for it!"

Kae then very abruptly and quickly stood up before moving around the chair that he was sitting in, keeping it between him and the two women. "Is there something in that very statement..I just don't remember it but it's like that particular set of memories is gone like a file that was deleted..I wish that they had fucking killed me with Soo.." he snapped before turning away , quietly saying something under his breath before shaking his head.

For stood there for a couple of moments before turning to face them again. "Sorry, but it's really bothering me..more then the hollow feeling or the fact that our fellow crew mates want to kill me for betraying them.."

Re: DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

Reply #10 –
[ Cameron Henshaw | Kae's quarters | Deck 05 ] Attn: Hayden O'Connor, Lin Kae

Cameron listened intently to the holographic's specialist as he spoke of his childhood. Haydens words hung in the back of her mind as she agreed that meeting the two of them had a positive note to it, which was showing that Lin was open to move forward with this. She could understand how Kae could sometimes misinterpret thing perhaps due to his detachment in his earlier years. The fact that he missed social interaction was not the main reason why he'd lash out the way he did. Yet it could be a starting point or a link to a series of events that triggered him on the bridge.

"Sometimes the mind blocks things out, regardless of your intent of wanting to know." Henshaw explained "It is normal to have such feelings of hollowness after losing persons you hold dear or perhaps even love." she continued "You shouldn't try to force yourself to relive the moment, to force your mind in opening up like that. There are of course certain forms of therapy that could help you remember, but that's more Hayden's expertise than mine." Henshaw said with a smile, noticing how the young man had a flustered look on his cheeks.

His little outburst didn't spook Cameron as she took in a deep breath and whispered "Kae... Without you Theurgy wouldn't be where it is now." her eyes locked on to his and she kept them trained on him "The loss of Soo has hit a lot of us, yet perhaps you more than others." she paused before she looked at Hayden "What do you think Hayden? Should we try to help him remember or do you think digging that up now would only spiral him down into a more negative state of mind?" She had asked it open and clearly to the counselor, wanting for Kae to know the risks attached to it, yet also wanting to be transparent about it so he wouldn't have the feeling that things would be kept from him.

Re: DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

Reply #11 –
[Dr. Hayden O'Connor[/b]| Kae's Quarters|Deck 05]  Attn: Lin Kae and Cameron Henshaw

Hayden was glad Henshaw had agreed to come with her, as it seemed Lin Kae was benefiting from both of their perspectives. Neither one of them had the power to change his feelings of grief, nor would either of them seek to circumvent the process, but it was nice to have backup in any case, and someone to offer food for thought in a different way. O'Connor was already grateful Henshaw had built prior rapport with the troubled man, as that would only increase the likelihood he would be able to truly hear them both. It was certainly true the mind was capable of blocking certain events from partial or even full conscious awareness. Although the explanations for such blocking had changed over time as advancements in psychological and neurological research made understanding such mechanisms possible in a more sophisticated way, all of them still boiled down to preventing one's body and mind from being fully overwhelmed.

O'Connor appreciated the fact that even with her own knowledge, Cameron still outwardly sought her opinion, and at the same time, was subtly making an effort to communicate the risks of either option to the person they were mutually concerned about. Giving Henshaw's question careful thought, she added after a few moments, "I think I'd like to focus on providing some basic coping skills and grief support before we delve further into various memories and what you may or may not be able to remember," O'Connor offered. "I agree you shouldn't try to force any recollections or progress, as not only do I want to create further frustration for you, but I don't want to add to your trauma. There are therapies we can try to help restore your recollections so you're in a better position to process them, and I'm not saying I would be unwilling to provide that specific support to you. In my professional opinion, however, I think it would be best to help give you a foundation to cope emotionally and then we can focus on more specific goals. What do you think?"

Re: DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

Reply #12 –
[ Lin Kae | Kae's quarters | Deck 05 ] Attn: Hayden O'Connor, Cameron

Kae nodded slowly as both women had very valid points and then the young hybrid blushed hard. "I'm sorry, Doctor O'Connor. I didn't mean to not answer your question about whose voices am I going to listen to..I'm just that level of scatter brained as of late." he admitted in an embarrassed tone as he honestly couldn't believe that he had glossed over Hayden's question without realizing it.

The holographic specialist then looked at the two women with a sad look for a couple of minutes before lowering his eyes without saying anything as he weighed what was presented to him before he slowly started to nod his head, fighting to think like a person and not how he'd so easily allowed himself to fall into as of late. "As I heard someone say once..it's a fair cop." he said before raising his eyes to meet them again. "I'll do it, but to be honest with you two,  the more that I review what happened and the more that we sit here and talk about it..I realize that how much less and less that I want to remember what happened on the bridge that day."

Kae then went back to where he'd been sitting, no longer feeling the need to keep something between him and the two women as he slowly started to feel more bone tired again as he rubbed the back of his neck with his right hand for a few seconds nervously before he finally realized what he was doing and lowered his hand then looked at the younger of the two women. "I..I was with Soo before she died, Cameron. Apparently we got together during Rihen's little fiesta and spent the night together..we didn't remember much but we spent time together and then had a shower together." he said explained, feeling the need too.

He stopped what he was saying and raised his hand. "I'm not going to go into details or anything like that but it was the difference in the act that was the most important to me as it wasn't like the other times and I will admit between the three of us that I was crushing very hard on Rihen since the first time that I saw her..spent time with her..and everything and I thought that I was in love with her at one point but the thing is I never had anything to gauge them against." he freely admitted.

Kae then lowered his hand to place it on his lap as his voice grew just a little bit wistful as he continued speaking. "When you said that the loss of Soo hit me more then anyone, Cameron, I think it's because I was actually starting to fall for her and I came to this thought in those dark hours after everything had calmed down...I sat in the dark of this room and went between furious and grief torn as my mind started to play the what if game..I think at that moment is when I should've gone to one of you or reached out or something."

Kae's suddenly found himself blinking away tears and he wiped at his eyes with his left hand, trying to keep them from coming. "Sorry.." was all that he could say.

Re: DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

Reply #13 –
[ Cameron Henshaw | Kae's quarters | Deck 05 ] Attn: Hayden O'Connor, Lin Kae

Cameron glanced over at Hayden as Kae mentioned that he didn't want to remember what happened on the bridge. Cameron felt the need to ask why, yet wasn't sure if now was the time to do so. Expanding further on this matter could lead them to a long session with multiple outcomes. It was a ground rule to keep the sessions in a controlled environment. Having one in Kae's room was not so much controlled.

She looked back when Kae addressed her, sharing the night he had spent with Soo. She smiled faintly and nodded as he went in to some detail about it. She folded her hands on her knees as her eyes gazed in his. The young Bajoran before them unveiled a rather big chunk of information to them and Cameron nodded slowly as she took it all in. Her suspicion being confirmed as he told her that he was falling for Soo, the love interest only making it so much harder to recuperate from.

She glanced back at Hayden as she nodded, hearing Kae admit that he should've reached out to either of them. "Well you reached out now after all Lin. That shows that you still have the correct reflex." she tried to make him somewhat feel better. She could see the hurt and grief inside him and looked back at Hayden "We'll get you through this Lin, but it will need time and patience."

Re: DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

Reply #14 –
[Dr. Hayden O'Connor| Lin Kae's Quarters| Decks 05| USS Theurgy} Attn: Lin Kae and Cameron Henshaw?

Hayden nodded, in full agreement with Cameron's words. She was also surprised by his candid admission about his feelings, but she took it as a sign of not just his comfort with talking to both of them, but also his own ability for continued insight into his own problems. Despite his grief, he wasn't so lost in it that he was unable to step outside himself and see his situation as an outsider would. She wondered if earlier interventions had something to do with that. Hayden would have to thank Maya for her efforts.

Suppressing a frown at the thought, the counselor couldn't help but feel guilty for continuing to rely on the doctor when she was still dealing with her own traumas.  O'Connor knew the Vulcan would be the first to forgive her for it and to see the logic of it, but that didn't mean the counselor felt any better about it. Even more so, she worried her skills weren't advanced enough to deal with the complexities of her Vulcan psyche.

It wasn't the first time Hayden wondered if she had the skills to handle all of the needs within the crew, a recurring thought she only allowed herself to attend to sparingly for her own sanity.

If only her ability could equal her desire and determination to help.

Meeting Kae's eyes, Hayden added, "Losses of the people close to us are going to hurt the most, whether we realize at the time what they mean to us or not. As Cameron said, what matters is that you're reaching out for help now. Another thing to keep in mind, especially as you start to deal with your grief with help, is that your feelings for her shouldn't be measured by the intensity and length of your grief. Healing from this, moving forward, and helping yourself feel better after the losses you've suffered isn't a betrayal. I have no doubt you shared the connection you described, and if that's true, I have a hard time believing she would want you to dwell in your grief as a tribute to her."

Re: DAY 06: A Special Request [2245 hrs.]

Reply #15 –
[ Lin Kae | Kae's quarters | Deck 05 ] Attn: Hayden O'Connor, Cameron

Kae didn't say anything and was quiet for a few minutes before he said "I know..but I fucked up to put it simply and Thea was put in danger by my hand as was a lot of other people and all because I couldn't keep my grief in check any longer."

He took a deep breath and tried to focus himself but found the swirling mass of emotions that was fighting for control at the moment was making it harder and harder for him. "I didn't know that those emotions could exist in me..love and lust, rage and passion.." he then took another deep shuddering breath before letting it go and then looking at the two women. "I do whatever it takes to fix myself, doctors."

He then looked over at Cameron and gave her a tired smile. "I know that my part in the next mission is more then likely been reduced heavily, but I promise to try and do my best for it,all things considered."
 
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