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CH04: S [D06|1040] Hollow Hearted

[LCdr Blue Tiran | Alone and Lonely | Rebooting Family | Hollow Hearted | Soul Departed]

“Go ahead, I'm going to boot Albert.” she had told Cross.  Just to prove the point she pushed the button on Albert allowing him to begin his boot up process which she assumed would take longer now.

Staying behind, as he headed down to the Bridge again where they had come from.  Blue stood there, in the center of the office for a long time.  Her eyes distant and vacant.  Her mind just stopped working.  He wouldn't understand.  He couldn't understand, the depth of the pain that radiated from the center of her being.  The ache, the hollow, the cavity where her soul had once been.  It wasn't there any longer, no longer did it beat as it had once.  Because the one that completed her... he was gone.  He was gone and she couldn't breathe.  He was gone and she couldn't sleep.  She had slept but not the restful sleep because he was in her dreams, in her thoughts, in her breath, in the air.  He was around the finger of her left hand and in the hollow space that once occupied her heart.  He was everywhere, and no where.

Because, because he was gone.

Blue didn't realize she had fallen until the bite of her knee on the deck plating underneath her.  She gasped, not because the pain really hurt but because for a moment, for that flash of a second she could think clearly again.  She had never been one of those people.  All the things Blue had been through in her life, all the horrors that she had dealt with both because of her job and because of her family, never once had she harmed herself.  Never once had pain, itself, been the answer to clearing the mind and purging the soul.

Perhaps it is because I did not hurt enough then.

Oh but she had....

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The back pack bounced against her back in the hot Texas heat.  Spring was a loose term for the time of year when things were growing, budding, and the frozen world was thawing.  In Southern Texas, Spring was just code for, Pre-Summer.  It was already hot and as the curly haired girl made her way down the street towards her house she wondered.  She wondered if today would be different.  Hope had been dwindling since Arthur.  Hope had been almost broken.  Today.  Today would be different, had to be different, she had asked them, begged them, implored them to come back to themselves. 

Today would be different.

Moving the small potted planet she liberated the key from it's dirty underbelly and unlocked the door before replacing it.  Stepping inside, the air was cooler as the air conditioner worked to keep the heat of the Texas sun from penetrating the house.  The only lights on in the house were in the kitchen were the three can lights that hung inside the ceiling illuminated the mess that had been left behind.  Discarded mac & cheese bowls from the microwave.  All the silverware in various states of 'soaking' in the sink and the smell alone said how long they had been there.  Dirty clothes piled up, mostly Emelia's outside the laundry room door. 

Maybe she could wear these clothes one more day.

“Mom?”  The young girl asked as she stepped into the living room.  Dust had already started to take over the furniture that wasn't being used, and dust bunnies were breading healthy colonies in the carpet.  Em took her backpack off and tossed it onto the couch amid a large plume of dust that made the curly haired girl sneeze.  The rainbow kitty backpack looked odd against the cream couch.  But, she never had been very good at keeping it on the 'backpack hook' that was in the entry way.  The zipper pulls were covered in various gears, pieces, and what not she had collected.  Little pieces of metal that clanged together here and there like a wind chime. 

“Dad?!” she called out louder. 

Stepping towards the pantry she opened the door and looked inside.  There wasn't much left.  Some expired coconut cookies, some powdered milk, a can of tuna, and some chips that had probably been bought over a year ago.  Closing it she went to her parents' room.  It was dark, all dark, the norm.  She could see them, sitting over by the window.  Looking at nothing.  Staring at nothing, as if, sitting here was going to bring Arthur back.  Dad was in his work clothes so that meant he had at least gone to his job, now he was sitting there vacant.

Her sister, Em turned to see if Angela had come home yet, she was older than Emelia, already in high school.  Sure enough the light to her sister's room was on and Em didn't even bother to knock as she pushed the door open only to see her sister packing a suitcase.

“Are you spending the night with a friend?” she asked curiously, though already, she feared the worse. 

Angela didn't have Emelia's curls, but she had the dark hair and the pale skin regardless. She looked up with her dark eyes.  “I can't do it anymore Em.  I can't stay here, this place is a cancer.”

“What do you mean?  This is home!  What about mom and dad!?” Emelia said with panic evident in her voice. 

That didn't stop Angela from zipping up her suitcase and looking at the young nine year old girl.  She sighed as she put the suitcase on the floor and pulled up the handle.  “You know what they're like now.  They may never get better.  I can't sit here and do all of this.  I have a future to think of.  I'm going off with Zane.  He's found a job up North and we're going now.”

“What about me!?”  Blue said as she looked at the only person that wasn't absolutely destroyed who had helped her a little bit.  With homework, with food, with going to the school bus stop.

“Sorry, Em.  You're tough, you got this.  Mom and dad will come around.”

“If they'll come around why don't you stay here!”  Emelia shot back, she wasn't stupid just because she was a child.  The abject panic in her face had to have been obvious. 

“I'll call you when I get settled, okay?”  Angela ducked down and hugged Emelia for a moment before she headed out.  The last sound Emelia heard was the door opening and shutting behind her. 

Now, she truly was all alone.

Blue's breathing was more gasping than it was breathing.  The harsh sucking sounds that her lungs were making likely wasn't healthy.  She was bent over, on all fours, trying to get her lungs to take in air so that she could relax again.  Her head lowered, the cool temperature of the metal on her forehead felt nice and relaxed her for some reason. 

[Miss Blue, you are in respiratory distress, need I alert the nearest medical professional?]

“Don't you do a fucking thing.” she hissed out.

[If you do not receive adequate oxygen into your respiratory system, I am afraid, you will lose consciousness.]

“Well when I do, you can call someone if you want.”

[It is not a matter of want, but necessity.]

“Whatever.”

Blue sat down on the floor putting her back to the desk and leaning against it for a long moment.  Albert was fully booted and his blue eyes turned in her direction.  She could breathe again.  She pulled the bag into her lap and held it.  She didn't need to break down, she couldn't afford a break down.  But she was having one.  She needed Ducote, she needed Arthur, she needed something.  She didn't know why it hit her so hard.

That was a lie, she knew why.

Because he had healed her.  Used some sort of fucking Brazilian glue to put pieces of her back together.  Things that were broken, shattered remnants of a young girl, he had pieced them back together through his love, support, and understanding.  He was there always, whether she was in trouble, or laughing, or having a shit day.   Whether all she consumed was twinkies or if he could sneak a vegetable in there somewhere. 

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“What do you mean we're moving?!” Blue screamed at the top of her lungs as her parents numbly packed up their belongings into boxes without labels. 

“I got a better job, Em.  We're moving a little bit away, and not far.”

“But Angela!”

“She's GONE!” her mother roared out from another room and Em shrunk into herself wrapping her arms around her too thin body.

“pack your room, Em.  We leave tomorrow.”

Blue reached into her bag, in search of anything to keep her hands busy.  Busy hands meant a busy mind and that tended to be the best thing for her.  Busy hands, busy mind, less Ranaan.  She still remembered when they came to the door.  The two Starfleet officers.  How they had his combadge, his uniform, and they put it in this box behind some kind of glass as if that somehow made it better.  As if that somehow made the pain less because there was this … tangible piece of him left.  But, it didn't.  She still remembered her mother's anguished scream, and the tears that followed.  The hollowness that had taken her eyes and the way that she seemed to see, feel, and know nothing after that.  How she broke the glass, cutting her hands just to get his uniform out of the box.  She still remembered seeing her mother rocking the uniform back and forth as she cried out for the injustice of losing her only boy.  Of losing her first born. 

Blue wondered if that was what was happening to her.  If this was the kind of pain that her mother had felt upon losing her son.  It almost, in a way made sense, that this was why her mother hurt so bad.  Blue wasn't going to let it destroy her.  No, she was not going to let it consume her.  Not yet, anyway, she had fought hard to make sure that her life was very different from anything her parents would want or do, and she was very proud of all the shit she had accomplished on her own.  Without an ounce of help from her family.  They hadn't come to graduation, they hadn't come to initiation, they probably had no fucking clue what happened to her and she sure as fuck didn't usually think about them except when she was having rough days.

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“Hey new girl.”  A boy called out, two feet from her.

Blue sat on the concrete wall waiting for the school bus.  She didn't like the new school.  She didn't like the teachers, or the heat, or the fucking assholes that were surrounding her.  Everyone was an asshole.  They were nosy little bitches.  The teachers tried to get her to speak, the other students tried to get her to speak, but they wouldn't like what she had to say.  She had nothing nice to say, and that was rule number one, wasn't it?

If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all?

Well fuck that shit right there.

“Why is your hair blue?” said another, this one was a girl. 

Blue's eyes shifted over, again, she didn't speak, they shifted back to her bus.  It should be here soon, then she could get on, and descend into the fresh hell of life.  Her father went to work, her mother did nothing.  No one cooked, or cleaned, or did anything around the house.  It had fallen to disarray so Blue had learned how to take care of herself.  A lot of trial and error, a lot of internet searching.  But she had managed well enough to take care of herself.  She cooked her own food, she packed her own lunches, she cleaned her own laundry and did the small amount of dishes necessary.

“I think we could call her Blue.”

“Yeah!  Hey Blue!” called the boy with a grin on his face like it would hurt her feelings somehow.  But they had no fucking clue who they were dealing with. 

Crystalline eyes shifted over to the boy as he grinned at her with that malicious smile on his face.  “Shut your fucking mouth.” she said with a quick snap.

The boy's eyes grew wide.  “Miss Crawley did you hear what she said!?”

“Miss Tiran.” said the teacher, hands on her hips, full teacher pose. 

Blue's eyes shifted up to the woman but she didn't look repentant at all.  “It's Blue.” she said calmly and cleanly.

“What?” the teacher asked caught off guard.  A bus pulled into the bus port, 75 was the number emblazoned on the side so Blue hopped down off the concrete wall and hoisted her messenger bag onto her shoulder.  The one Arthur gave to her.  She looked up at the teacher defiantly. 

“My name is Blue.  Blue Tiran.” she said simply.

“You can't just change your name.”

“I can.  I did.  Don't call me anything else.” she stated simply as she brushed passed the teacher towards the bus. 

“You still can't just.. say those words.  I'm going to be calling your parents!” she called after Blue as the girl took the three steps up into the main bus and found her seat sitting down with a flourish of curls.

Good luck. she thought to herself.

[Miss Blue, are you in good health?]

“What?  Fuck Albert, yes, I already fucking told you.”

[I detect the presence of blood.]

Blue looked down at a small pool underneath her hand.  She cursed loudly and tossed the offending piece of metal away, she had clamped down too hard on it when she was in the middle of her thoughts and memories.  Grabbing a piece of fabric that was everything but clean she wrapped it around the slice in her palm and rose from the floor. 

She had been abandoned in different ways all her life.  Ranaan hadn't done it on purpose.  Neither had Arthur, but she missed them both.  Ran had taken what was left of her with him... and now she wasn't sure where she stood.  How to breathe, how to move, how to continue on.  How did you move on after such a pain.  Did it truly lessen over time?  Would she ever not reach for him in bed?  Would she ever not miss his smiles and his knowing looks.  His twinkie rescue operations, or stealing her from a triple shift so she would get sleep.

Blue shouldered her bag.  “Come on, lets go.”

She picked up   Albert and placed him on her shoulder.  He shifted so that his hands gripped her bruised shoulder and she hissed slightly but the pain faded and she began to head down to the Bridge.   “I want the fuck off this ship.”

[An airlock would not be advisable.]

“It might be if you don't learn when to shut up.”

[My programming is adaptive.]

“Well lets hope it's fast.”

~Fin~

 
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