Star Trek: Theurgy

Chapter 05: Supplemental [ Day 04 | 1900 hrs. ] Weapons Of The Heart

[Tesserarius Lorad | Personal Quarters | Deck 08 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe
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Lorad reread the message on the screen before him to make sure it made sense.

To Ensign Ryuan Sel, Chief of Security, USS Theurgy.

I was told that you have the weapons taken from me when I was rescued. And that you also have my sister's weapons that were surrendered when my ship was brought aboard.
I know I am not allowed to keep them myself but it would make me feel better to know that they are kept safe. Especially the weapons taken from me. They were my father's.
I understand if this is strange but Remans place great value on the weapons of their family.
I hope you will let me see them.

Tesserarius Lorad

He had returned to his quarters to find a message waiting for him from Lt. CMDR Dewitt. It had taken longer than he had liked to figure out how to read it but eventually discovered that it was the contact details for the woman that had his weapons. He had wasted no time in writing a message to her; a task that had proven much more complicated than he had hoped. Not for the first time that day, Lorad had wished that Samala was not in stasis and was here to help him figure technology out. But she wasn't. And it was his fault.

Growling low in his throat, Lorad sent the message off. Not expecting a reply till the morning, he stood and moved towards the bedroom to cleanse himself.

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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At that time of night Sel should have been in her quarters resting, yet she remained in her temporary office on the Helmet, the security station at the weapons locker. She was used to working in the full size ship’s armory, but this was a fair bit smaller. She was trying to keep herself busy, though there was very little to be done beyond continue to check and recheck the same systems and sub-systems again and again. She had already delayed ending her shift for some time, stretching a single shift into a double and now even a triple.

She was tempted to resign herself to giving in and returning to her quarters, facing that demon that awaited her, when a chime sounded from the desk. She turned to it and ran her fingers over the smooth controls, pulling up the message. Very quickly her eyes ran over the text. And she considered them for a moment. Under normal circumstances she would have simply told the first shift guy, whoever she made take her spot so she could get a few hours of sleep, to look into the matter.

But she also knew the feeling well, having something important taken from her and then needed to ask just to go see it. She reached a hand up and ran her finger over the hole in her ear where her earring had hung not so long ago.

With a breath she typed in some commands and opened a channel. “Mr. Lorad, this is Ensign Ryuan, if you are not too busy I can take you to check on your weapons now,” she said in a calm smooth voice.

[Tesserarius Lorad | Personal Quarters | Deck 08 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe 
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He had just completed stripping off his soiled clothes when his combadge beeped. He had placed it on one of the shelves next to the washroom so that he could hear it; not that he expected too.

"Mr. Lorad, this is Ensign Ryuan, if you are not too busy I can take you to check on your weapons now," the female voice said from his badge. Lorad paused in his actions and picked up the badge, gently pressing it with his thumb to responded.

"Ensign Ryuan, this is Lorad. I was not expecting a response tonight. But thank you for taking the time to contact me," Lorad responded in Reman, knowing that the Ensign's universal translator would do its job. "I can be ready in 5 minutes," Lorad said as he reached for the pack he had taken off the Apache after he landed it. Feeling around inside, he pulled a clear pair of pants and shirt from within.

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Lorad stepped out of the turbolift on Deck 15 and turned to follow the remaining instructions that Ensign Ryuan had given to him. Up ahead, he saw the doorway to the security station that he was told was where she was. Stopping in front of the door, Lorad reached up and activated the chime.

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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In the momentary silence of the small office as she waited for her guest to arrive Sel closed her eyes and leaned back in her chair. Her thoughts drifted to only one thing and she did her best to try and not think of him, but it did no good. She was acutely aware of him being missing from her.

She’d never been bothered before from cutting loose one of her lovers, but this bothered her. And perhaps more importantly it bothered her that it bothered her. She didn’t have connections, she never had. It wasn’t her style. She couldn’t allow herself to. She held back her heart. She didn’t love her lovers, she never allowed herself to do anything like that. It wasn’t safe to make that kind of connection with someone. She’d lost everyone she’d ever really cared about, so she didn’t care about anyone anymore. It was safer that way.

And yet...

She was suddenly dragged from her ruminations by the chime at the office door. She quickly moved to compose herself and was surprised to find tears making their way down her cheeks. She quickly wiped her face off on her sleeve and did her best to compose herself to look as professional as possible.

“Come,” she said, doing her best to sound as in control as possible, even though her voice cracked with restrained emotion.

[Tesserarius Lorad | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe
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He wasn’t sure what he was expecting when he entered the compartment. A Terran, Klingon or even a Vulcan was not unexpected. But a Bajoran female that looked to have just been crying moments ago. That was unexpected. Lorad wasn’t sure if he should comment on it or not. What would he say? What should he say? He didn’t even know this woman.

And what help could he be? He wasn’t exactly emotionally stable at the moment. 27 days on the run, almost killing the only remaining family he had. Then being rescued and everything else that had happened today. He wasn’t in any state to help anyone. All he wanted to do was sit in his quarters and wait until Samala was awakened.

“Ensign Ryuan, I am Tesserarius Lorad,” Lorad introduced himself in Reman. “Thank you for allowing me to ease my mind. I am very grateful.”

He wasn’t sure if she had heard him at first. She didn’t say anything. She just looked at him. Or was it past him?

He was considering coming back in the morning when the woman finally blinked, and her eyes refocused on his own. He had considered wearing his visor but chose to try and acclimate his eyes to the normal light levels found on this ship instead. Now, he wasn’t so sure as even he could see the pain in the woman’s eyes and hoped his own didn’t reflect it.

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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Perhaps it was the combination of being tired and as emotionally messed up as she felt, but Sel was not in an overly friendly mood. As she stared at the man she could not help but analyze him in far to much detail, as if trying to read him like a book. But she was too tired and too fucked up to really do anything close to that, so when she finally blinked and focused on him again she did her best to smile, to seem more pleasant than she was.

"It's no bother, I was already here," she said in a soft tone as she reached into her desk to pull out a spare PADD. She quickly tapped in the registry number for the weapons registration form and slide the PADD across the desk to him. "If you could fill out these forms at your convenience I would appreciate it."

She did her best to put on a calm, friendly professional mask. Even if she was in a dreadful state she was not about to let that interfere with her work. She was a professional, even if she did keep having to remind herself of that far too often for her own liking.

She longed for one man and knew that he was far from her, and that stung her. And it stung her that a thing like that stung her. She despised being emotionally vulnerable and now she was an emotional mess in front of a complete stranger. She could not help but wonder how much of it showed, how abysmal her "friendly professional" mask was today.

[Tesserarius Lorad | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe
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Lorad was, he wasn’t sure of the word to describe how the ensign was acting. But he could tell that something was bothering her. She was distracted, she looked tired and her eyes kept on losing focus as if looking at something that wasn’t there.

“I could do them now if you wish or return them tomorrow,” Lorad said in Reman as he read the forms. It took a few moments to translate the words on the PADD into something he understood but in the end it was simply a form to confirm that the weapons were his. He didn’t feel like the weapons were his. They belonged to his sister and his father. But his father was gone now. Dead back on Bacury III. And Samala, she was in stasis because of him. Samala!

This ensign was acting like Samala was right after they had escaped Bacury III. She was, what was the words he had looked up then, listless and depressed. Yes, those were it. He hadn’t known what to say or do back then to help Samala. And he really didn’t know what to say or do now either. But, this ship had saved his and his sister’s lives. So, he owed them. It was time to repay that debt, at least, in some small way.

“Forgive me if I am overstepping, but are you ok?” Lorad asked in Reman. “I ask, because you look like my sister right after we had lost our mother and father. She was distracted and tired just like you are now. I could not help her then. Perhaps I cannot help you now. But I would like to try. Please.”

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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Perhaps what stung the most was the Sel knew what was wrong, she knew what was bothering her, but she could do nothing about it. She couldn't relieve her suffering by simply speaking with Sarresh about it, there was no option for that. Instead, she was limited to where she was, knowing he was so very far away and in deadly danger. That above all else left her wanting a stiff drink.

"You can fill it out and get to me tomorrow," Sel said softly, her tone more than a little detached. She wasn't really making eye contact at this point. She couldn't bring herself to look anyone in the eye.

"Your weapons are locked up over here," she said as she pulled herself up from her chair and led him to the weapons storage locker. She pressed her palm to the sensor pad and waited for the click of it to unlock before she gave the door a tug.

Inside she pulled a crate from the shelf and took it out, kicking the door closed behind her as she stepped out. She set the crate on the desk and turned to look at him. "I appreciate the offer, but I'm more fucked up than anyone deserves to hear about right now. Best to just check on your weapons and get me the forms back." She punched in the key code and opened the crate. "The last thing anyone needs right now is me and my bullshit."

[Tesserarius Lorad | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe
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Lorad was, confused to say the least. What was bullshit? What was fucked up? He did not understand these words. What did they mean? As he nodded at the Ensign, he considered what to do next.

His gut was telling him that she didn’t want to talk about it. That she was trying to work herself into exhaustion so that she wouldn’t feel whatever it was that she was feeling. Just as Samala had done. And himself. But all that did was provide a temporary freedom. Once you awoke again, rested and energised, the cycle began again.

Lorad continued to think as he examined the weapons inside the crate. His sister’s weapons had been placed inside with care as were his father’s. None of the pistols were in danger of being damaged and the knives were secured within their scabbards. Happy that everything was in order, Lorad closed the crate. And that was when a thought struck him. Or perhaps it was a terrible idea?

“Are they killed? Or were they taken?” Lorad asked abruptly in Reman. He had no idea if she would even answer him, but he felt like he had to try. If her own crew had allowed her to get this way, how much further could she go before they did something? “This person that you lost.”

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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With the crate closed, Sel took it and once more went to the weapons locker and placed it safely on the shelf. The weapons locker had its own separate grav-plating system, so even in a total failure of the internal systems the contents of the locker would not be disturbed.

"I don't know what happened to him. We were on separate parts of the ship when it all went down and I haven't seen or heard anything since then," Sel replied flatly. She saw no reason to keep that information to herself, it barely mattered and she was very tired. She tried her best to only think that Sarresh was on one of the other vectors, that he was out there and that they would meet up soon enough. And then she could deal with things. Then things wouldn't be so bad.

She hated how much she ached for him. She hated the fact that she didn't even want to go to the NCO Lounge and pick up someone for the night. She wanted him. She didn't know the last time she'd felt that way. As if she were starving while surrounded by food, yet the only food she wanted to eat was well out of her reach. Not a metaphor that made sense, but it was how she felt.

"But... gotta stay busy..." She trailed off.

[Tesserarius Lorad | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe
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A need to stay busy. Lorad not only understood but also sympathised. Both he and his sister had done much the same thing in the days immediately after the loss of their parents. They had undertaken and completed any, every task they could think of. By the time they had finished, Lorad was sure that the Apache had never looked as clean or had its systems adjusted as finely.

But eventually, they had had to move on, to continue as their parents would have wanted. And they had had each other to help them. But Lorad wasn’t sure if the Ensign had anyone she could turn to. He was by no means an expert, but he felt that she might not have anyone. Would they not have done something to help her before now?

“Ensign Ryuan, what can you tell me about the threats to this ship?” Lorad asked in Reman, hoping that he might be able to at least distract her for a while. Keep her busy, as she seemed to want to be. “I met a Lieutenant Commander Marquez earlier today, but he was called away before we could discuss more than… I still don’t know. He is a hard man to understand,” Lorad admitted. “Can you help me?”

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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"Threats to the ship?" Sel asked and raised an eyebrow. She almost wanted to smirk. The question felt silly to her, or at the very least it felt like something she hadn't put too much thought into for a long time now. "We're a rogue vessel facing a massive conspiracy that reaches to the upper echelons of both Starfleet and if I recall correctly the Federation itself. Our threats are basically anyone and everyone. We have crew members going insane and declaring other crewmembers as some sort of diety. We have weirdo aliens abducting members of the crew, and we are being hunted by the very fleet we all swore to serve."

She sounded more than a little terse, but honestly, that was more a result of a lack of sleep and her own emotional fucked-up-ed-ness. She wanted to be with Sarresh, but that really wasn't an option. And she hated herself because that was all she could think that she wanted. She had gotten used to being around him, gotten used to being able to lean on him for strength. And that option was now gone from her and she found it hard to even function. She hated herself for that.

"We are surrounded by enemies, by outside and inside," she went on and then laughed. "Welcome to a ship of the damned."

[Tesserarius Lorad | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe
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A laugh. Lorad was getting somewhere, or so he felt. He was, of course, no expert in dealing with emotional Bajorans. Emotional anyone really. His talents, led more towards the destruction of obstacles in his, or other, paths.

“What is this, ship of the damned? I have not heard this before,” Lorad asked as he stared at the smaller woman. “I ask about threats so that I may know how to kill them,” Lorad stated. He considered waiting for a reply to his words but decided just to continue, switching to Reman so that he was understood.

“I am a Reman shock trooper. I have fought and killed Terrans, Vulcans, Orions, Cardassians, Klingons, Jem’Hadar, Romulans and even fellow Remans with nothing but my knife,” Lorad proclaimed. “I say this not to boast about what I can do. I say this to you so that you understand what I can do to help this ship. I was taught, or learned myself, how to kill each one of them. Now I ask you, how do I kill the threats to this ship? How do I protect my sister when she is unable to protect herself?” Lorad asked as he stared at the Bajoran, hoping his eyes carried his intent.

“Will you help me learn? Will you help me, help you?”

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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Of course, it had to be the simple "who are the enemies and how do I kill them?" kind of question. Sel knew the answer in so much that any of them could be the end at any given time. There was no good way to tell who was infected and who wasn't. And to make matters worse the stress of it all was making some members of the crew start to think and act crazy. She'd thought about the divine one numerous occasions while she was with Sarresh, but she wasn't fucked up enough to start to think he was anything but really good in bed. The fucking devoted on the other hand...

"A ship of the damn is basically a ship taking those headed to rot in whatever version of hell you want to believe in," she explained with a shrug. "It's a ship with no escape that the only way off of is eternal torment and damnation." She gave him a smirk. "Kinda like our current mission, at least if you ask me."

"As for enemies, the problem is we know almost nothing about them, other than they can take a licking and keep on ticking, and they seem to be able to inhabit the bodies of almost anyone. Add to that the fact we keep having people lose their shit and go crazy, and there is no clear way to tell who is infested, whose lost their shit, and who is in anyway trustworthy." She smirked again. "Long story short, we're not just fucked, we're really fucking fucked."

[Tesserarius Lorad | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe
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Fuck. When Lorad had first heard the word spoken, he had no idea of how many uses and meanings that the simple word could represent. It could even represent several of them at the same time. And Lorad had no idea how Ensign Sel was intending it to be used.

As for their enemies, he did not understand how they could know nothing about them. It was always taught to him that knowing who and what your enemy is was key in being able to fight them. So how was the Theurgy to fight their enemies if they did not know them? 

Shaking his head, Lorad focused back onto the Bajoran before him. She looked tired, even exhausted. And yet she was also defiant. She was a fighter, this one.

“Ensign, have you ever fought against someone using the Reman martial form of Kormerek?” Lorad asked in his native tongue. “It may have been developed by the Romulans but the Remans have made it their own and taken it to new levels of skill and lethality. I only ask one thing, that you do not lick me as you lick you enemies. Tongues have no place in Kormerek. What say you?”

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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People react very differently to stress. For some, it was simply a matter of dealing with it calmly and cooly until the situation passed. For others, it was a matter of confronting the problem head-on and solving it. Again Sel was not like this. Sel belonged to the group that got fucked up in one way or another. They got fucked up in a fist fight, they got fucked up drinking something, or they got fucked up against a wall. Sel did all three and normally she did them all regularly.

But things had changed. She blamed getting shot for awhile, but it was clear that it was because of Sarresh. Nothing had been the same since he had really entered her life. She felt more conflicted about him than about anyone she'd fucked in years. And she hated it. She wished she could get fucked up and deaden the pain, but most of her usual ways of doing it were cut off to her. She was terrified that he was out there, far from her reach, far from where she could fight to keep him safe. She wanted to hold him close and keep him near her, but that was not an option. She had duties to attend.

She wished she could find someone to fuck and get him out of her system, but she knew what she wanted. She knew that any alcohol would make her want it more. And a fistfight would only lead her to want to drink, which would lead her to miss him more.

She was stuck and she could not think of a way to escape it. She wanted out of this hell.

"I can't say that I've ever beat the shit out of anyone who used that technique," Sel said with a smirk. Then she shrugged and added with a smirk, "and believe me, if I licked you, it would not be something you'd dislike."

[Tesserarius Lorad | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe
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Not something he would dislike if the Bajoran licked him. Lorad was certain he was missing something in understanding what she said. In fact, he was certain of it. But rather than try to understand it, he pressed forward with his original goal.

"Then I offer you the opportunity to try to, as you say, beat the shit out of me," Lorad replied in Reman. Though he understood what that phrase had meant, he wasn't sure if the Reman equivalent would translate back into Standard correctly. "I find a good workout before my sleep cycle helps me to rest and relax better."

Lorad wasn't sure if what he was doing was a good thing or not. He would obviously never intentionally hurt his sparring opponent; it was bad form and showed a lack of self-control. But he didn't think he could say the same about the Ensign. The way she had reacted to his question about facing a Kormerek user, even her responses since his very arrival, they seemed tired. An effort. It was altogether not what he expected from the Mistress-At-Arms of a Starfleet vessel; even a 'renegade' one.

"Does this part of the ship have a place where it would be safer for us to spar?"

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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At this point, it was all but clear that most of what she was saying was going right over his head. Sel was too tired and too stressed to put any real thought into it, to really say what she meant about anything. It all became metaphor, colloquialisms, and figures of speech, none of that translated very well.

"Honestly I'm too tired and fucked up right now to be any good at sparring," she said sitting down and leaning back in her chair, looking far to defeated already to put up much of a fight. She really was. She wore her defiance on her sleeve, but at this point, it was hardly even a veneer over layers of tired and fucked up emotions. "If you were offering me a good drink, that'd be something else. But either I'd wind up losing it and taking a match to far or I wouldn't have it together enough to properly defend myself."

She brushed a strand of hair out of her face and sighed.

"I try not to fight anyone I don't plan on doing serious damage to when I'm this fucked up. And you're a guest on this ship, so I'd get on trouble if I wound up doing that to you," she offered him a weak smile as consolation.

[Tesserarius Lorad | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe
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Excuses. That was the first thought that came to Lorad’s mind as he listened to Ensign Sel speak. Tired, fucked up, afraid of hurting him and wanting a drink instead. Lorad understood this term, ‘wanting a drink’. He had heard it often enough in the holonovels he frequented to know it meant wanting alcohol. Something to ease the pain. This woman before him was in pain, likely from losing or fearing the loss of this companion that she had mentioned. And she was falling apart because of it and her crewmates had done nothing.

Lorad wasn’t sure why he cared so much. Was it because he recognised the symptoms and problems and thought he could help? Was it him wanting to repay some of the debt to this ship and its crew for saving his and Samala’s lives? Or could it be he just felt like helping someone that seemed, at least a little, to be like him; a soldier.

“Ensign Sel, as a soldier, you understand that being tired doesn’t mean you stop fighting,” Lorad stated in Reman, choosing his native tongue so that his refutation of her reasoning was clearly understood. “This ‘fucked up’ you say you are is also irrelevant, as is your desire to lose yourself in alcohol. None of these things will reunite you with this man you appear to be missing,” Lorad pointed out. He considered that he might be overstepping but if no one else was going to say anything, then he needed to.

“And I may be a guest on this ship, as you say, but I am still a soldier. I need to train just as you do,” Lorad declared evenly in his uniquely deep voice. “As for hurting me, I welcome you to try. If you succeed, then I will have learnt something.”

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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There was the briefest of moments of a smirk on Sel's face. She was having a bad time of things and in all honesty, she would have enjoyed thumping the Reman's skull, but she also knew that she wasn't just a normal security officer anymore, heck she wasn't even the Mistress-at-Arms, as much as she did like that title. No, she was acting Security Cheif and that meant that she couldn't just get into a fight anytime she wanted.

"I hate to break it to you Mr. Lorad, but I am not a soldier. I am Starfleet. And yes, we have fought in a couple of wars, but as most of the people around will tell you, that's not our primary purpose. We have way too many non-combat personnel for that," Sel said as if this were a much rehearsed and said line. In truth, she often wondered if she was a soldier, but she reminded herself often that she was the one who kept the scientists and explorers safe, or at least that was what her job was to be. "It's supposed to be my job to keep the people on this ship safe from things on this ship, internal threats. I can't say I've been all that successful, but I'm not a soldier."

She wanted to make that point clear. It had to be clear because if she was a soldier it would mean that this was war, and in a war when you got separated from someone you usually never saw them again. She wasn't prepared for that. No, she was a security officer and she would see Sarresh again, because this was not a war.

Sel took a breath and let it out slowly.

"And amongst my responsibilities on this ship are keeping people safe, keeping guests on this ship safe," she went on trying to push the point home. "I can't go about sparring with them. No matter how much they want to spar with me. I need to make us look good, and beating you senseless would not make us look good."

'And there's no guarantee I could control myself once I started,' she added silently to herself. She knew full well the tension of missing Sarresh like she was, was eating away at her self-control. She knew that she was unfocused, she could feel it, from the unfinished report on Hi'Jak in her desk, to the urge to just get fucked. All of it had the same cause. She felt like she was missing a part of herself and it hurt like hell.

[Tesserarius Lorad | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe 
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“Are you Starfleet if Starfleet wants to destroy you?” Lorad asked simply, posing a question to the Bajoran Mistress-at-Arms before him. She had defiance, that was easy to see. But she was, in Lorad’s opinion, using it the wrong way. Instead of using it to help her, she was allowing it to reinforce the other emotions within her. Instead of using it to build a wall, she was using it as a club to weaken herself.

“A Reman, when they reach the age of 5, is tested to see if they have what it takes to join the only war the matters to a Reman; the war of survival,” Lorad stated gruffly. “We learn early that no matter what else we do in life, be it farmer, miner or warrior for the Romulans; we are at war with them. They would gladly see us all dead except that they would then have to do what they consider is beneath them. And make so mistake, they fear us. And a Reman quickly learns to respect fear; both our enemies fear, and our own.”

“I do not fear. Fear stills the mind,” Lorad began to say, reciting a litany that he had learnt as a youth. “Fear is the moment that invites death. I will fight my fear. I will defeat it and learn from it. So that I fear it no longer. Only I will remain.”

“What are you afraid of, Ensign Sel?” Lorad asked as he stared at the smaller woman. “Do you fear loss?”

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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At first, she said nothing. Only a faint twitch of her eyebrow gave away her inner thoughts. Sel had survived a great many things. She'd been enslaved not once, but twice. Fought in dozens upon dozens of brutal cage matches, some even to the death. She'd stared down infested and infected. She'd had her spine broken and even that had not taken her down. And this man, this thing in front of her was asking if she was afraid.

Fuck yes she was afraid, but that wasn't something she was going to tell him, that wasn't even something she could really admit to herself. It was easier to get mad, easier to deny it, to stuff it in a corner and ignore it. It was easier to pretend that she was just pissed off, a complete bitch. Much easier than admitting that the only time she felt like she wasn't afraid was when she was with Sarresh and now she felt like that was going to be taken from her forever. She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry and scream. But she couldn't.

So she did the only thing she could do. The thing she always did.

"Fuck off," she blurted out angrily, her face reddening with anger as her pulse quickened. How dare he presume anything about her, anything about how she felt. "If you want so badly for me to kick your ass then fine, let's go. We can use the Vector One security training room, it has a mat and gloves, or we can bare-knuckle if your not a bitch."

She was up from her seat and headed toward the door, she didn't look back to see if he was following her, she was going.

[Tesserarius Lorad | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe 
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Ensign Ryuan Sel’s reaction to what Lorad had said to her was not what the Reman had expected. Denial, anger and perhaps more excuses were what he believed he would receive. But it was not.

At first, the Bajoran female said nothing and Lorad began to consider saying more but then she exploded. Her rage rolled forth as if water released from behind a dam. Her face reddened considerably as her heartrate increased from the adrenaline dump. She cursed, her voice elevated from her anger. Lorad was initially confused by her response, having not anticipated such a reaction to his words. But then he thought about what he had said and realised that she might have understood what he had said as an attack on her; calling her afraid. 

Considering trying to apologise and explain what he had meant, Lorad never received the chance as the Mistress-at-Arms was up and out of her chair before he could frame a response. Shrugging his broad shoulders in a very humanlike manner, Lorad decided that perhaps personal combat was better at this stage as he followed after her. It would allow her to burn away her anger and either rest or allow her to see things clearer. As the Reman understood things, either course of action achieved a beneficial outcome for the Bajoran.

And, who knew, he might even enjoy himself a little.

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Training Room | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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Once in the training room Sel undid her uniform jacket and tossed it on a bench. Next came the shoes and socks, put under the bench under her uniform jacket. After that came the undershirt as it too was long sleeved and she preferred to spar with her arms free. That left her in her bra and her uniform pants.

She didn't normally spare in her uniform, preferring to put on some kind of judogi, or karate gi, as was standard practice in Starfleet, but at this point, she didn't give two shits about standard practice. Instead, she simply grabbed some tape and begin to bind up her knuckles so she didn't damage them too badly. She didn't put gloves on yet, unsure if he was going to want them or not.

She had fought beside Remans during the war, she'd seen what his kind was capable of. But she'd also been thrown into the slave pit against Klingons and Nausicaans, so she wasn't very worried. She knew she could take a hit and she knew he could take a hit, it was simply a matter of who would hit more and who would hit vital harder. She knew he likely had her beat in the strength department, but she also knew her of agility and how to drop a fucker, so it would be an interesting fight.

"Gloves or no gloves?" she asked as she finished taping her hands and tossed him the tape. "I don't care."

[Tesserarius Lorad | Security Office | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe
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As he entered the training room, Lorad watched as Ensign Ryuan began to disrobe. As she did so, Lorad considered how he was going to combat the smaller woman.

She was about his sister Samala’s height and build but her Bajoran heritage would make her weaker than his sister’s hybrid Reman/Romulan one. Perhaps weaker was not the correct word; not as able to physically match his own strength and power. But being smaller offered her an agility advantage. Bulk may have its benefits, but it also had its detractors.

But Lorad was not some lumbering Klingon that charged into a melee without thought. No, he was a fully trained and experienced Reman Shock Trooper. He was trained to think. And he wasn’t trying to hurt the Ensign. Just, adjust her current way of thinking.

He stood at the entrance and watched as the Bajoran wrapped her hands in something that he assumed would protect them during their melee. He wasn’t sure what it was and had no intention of using it. He had not used or even been offered protection during his own training and would not use any now. When the Ensign threw the tape at him while asking him gloves, Lorad deftly caught the roll and set it aside on the nearest flat surface.

“No gloves,” Lorad declared as he stepped fully into the room to stand opposite the Starfleet officer her had riled up into this situation. “Rules?”

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel & Tesserarius Lorad | Security Training Room | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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“Rules?” Sel replied stepping into the center of the padded area on the floor and jumping up and down a couple of times to loosen up. “Nothing above the shoulders, nothing below the waist. Leg hits are fine.” She assumed a combat pose, lifting her fists into a boxing stance.

Lorad said nothing as he lowered himself into his own fighting stance. Legs apart, knees bent and his open hands out to the side. The rules seemed simple enough and would work to prevent either of them sustaining any serious injury. After a moment of looking at the Bajoran, Lorad nodded his reddiness.

She took a breath, taking in his stance and the distance between them, measuring it all in her mind. And then she moved, quickly closing the distance and lunging forward for a quick jab.

Lorad watched as the Ensign Sel charged forward as he anticipated what strike she might use. It was purely a feeling out attack, not meant to do any damage but rather to see how he would react. Not wanting to give anything away, Lorad pivoted to the side and slapped the jab away from himself, turning the Ensign away as he did so. Despite the opening to counterattack, Lorad held himself in check.

With an ease and agile grace born of experience, Sel twisted around, planting her feet and jutting her elbow out to hit him in the chest. She moved more like a dancer than a fighter, her body more grace than force.

Lorad was impressed with how smooth her transition was. He immediately reassessed his opinion of her combat skills; this one definitely had experience that was not readily apparent. As the elbow lanced towards his chest, Lorad brought both his hands up and together to catch it. With a look of contempt that hid his true feelings regarding his opponent, Lorad growled deep in his throat and pushed the Bajoran away roughly.

Though it was no easy feat to keep herself from stumbling backward due to the force of the shove, dealing with it was a simple matter of twisting just right and keeping her feet from planting too firmly as she moved back nearly half a dozen feet. She used the twisting motion to build enough momentum to lunge forward once again, lifting herself up and aiming a kick at the Reman’s side; bending her knee and straightening it at just the right moment before impact, aiming to hit with her shin.

Lorad’s face broke into a toothy grin as the Ensign charged back in. Bracing himself, Lorad dropped his shoulder and braced his arm to accept the kick against his arm instead of his ribs. He didn’t think that the smaller woman had enough strength to break one of them but better safe than sorry.

Finally, a hit. Sel felt the hit ride along her leg and quickly pulled it back. Landing her foot behind her and thrusting her fist forward the instant she had her footing again, Sel attacked again. She didn’t take a pause, didn’t switch from the offensive.

Lorad decided that blocking and avoiding were not having the desired effect he was after and so chose a more direct approach. Without hesitation Lorad caught Ensign Sel’s fist in his clawed hand; squeezing his grip tight to prevent her from pulling away.

Sel didn’t expect that, but she also wasn’t going to do nothing about it. Quickly, Mistress-at-Arms used her other fist and aimed a jab at the Reman’s elbow, not hard enough to do damage, but definitely hard enough to encourage him to release her.

“Oh, she was most assuredly a fighter,” Lorad thought to himself even as his free hand snapped across his torso and grasped the Bajoran’s wrist in mid strike. Using his incredible strength, Lorad pulled Sel’s limbs apart; his greater reach and height enabling him to effectively immobilise her arms. Now, he wanted to see what she would do. “You trapped,” he declared though he knew it was far from the truth. It was more a provocative statement to bring about a response. But would she give up and wallow as she had done, or fight?

There was an instant, a single second, when Sel paused. He held both of her arms and for a moment she did think she was trapped, but that was well and truly not the case. But in a swift movement, she jumped up and slammed both her knees against him, stretching out her body in the process to wrench her arms from his grasp.

“So, she chose to fight. Good,” Lorad thought when he noticed the look on the Ensign’s face harden. Further thought was forestalled by Sel’s attempt at freeing herself. He wasn't sure if she was trying to pull him down to the ground or simply wrench her arms free but either maneuver was countered the same way; Lorad let go of the Bajoran’s arms and stepped back. With nothing now supporting her, Sel was at the mercy of gravity. And it was unforgiving.

She landed hard, only managing to twist enough to land on her side, mostly on her hip. She hadn’t expected him to simply release her like that. It stung like a son-of-a-bitch, but she wasn’t going to let it distract her. She quickly got back to her feet and locked her gaze back on him. She’d lost the offensive with that and now she had to be more on guard. He was clearly stronger and well trained, and she wasn’t desperate enough to start fighting dirty.

Lorad could tell that her landing had hurt a little as he watched Ensign Sel climb back to her feet. But she hadn’t paused, not once. Which confused Lorad. Here she was, fighting without giving up to an opponent who was physically larger and stronger than her and at least as well-trained as her and yet she let herself fall apart when seperated from a person. Lorad himself knew from experience that it was better to fight to be together again than to fall apart. Falling apart got you nowhere. But how to make her see that.

Examining her stance for a instant, Lorad lunged forward before dropping into a leg sweep to send the Ensign back to the mat. His strength gifted him a unique boost in speed over a short distance and he utilised it to the full to bring him right up against the Bajoran. He felt his leg impact against her forward leg and he twisted his body to lift his sweeping leg up and away. He didn’t see the outcome of his attack as the maneuver left him facing away from her; but perhaps that was for the best. Insult to injury. “I hope she forgives me after this.”

She was already on a bad foot and she was never one to be good at defense, meaning she was knocked down much easier this time, falling flat on her back. “Fuck,” she cussed and quickly heaved herself to her feet, this time assuming her standard stance, a modified boxing pose. She was getting more and more flustered, and making mistakes, now it just meant that she was focusing too much on his legs, on the part of him that had just dropped her.

Hearing the Bajoran curse was almost music to Lorad’s ears as he stood there, his back to his opponent. It was extremely poor form, even disrespectful, but it did serve a purpose for Lorad. At the moment the Mistress-at-Arms was broken. And he was trying to fix her. To do that, he had to break apart the pieces that made up the woman and help her to put them back together correctly. Without doing more damage.

“Ensign Sel, I ask before, what you feared? If you fear loss,” Lorad reiterated. “You did not answer question.”

For a moment she didn’t react, then she punched him. Her first blow landed on his shoulder, but she couldn’t stop herself. She kept punching, each hit a little weaker than the last, each a little less of a perfectly performed punch. As she began to cry she grew sloppier, as her vision blurred and she could not make out the details of his back.

She wasn’t afraid, she couldn’t be afraid. She was stronger than that. She was a warrior and she had won every fight she had fought, yet she couldn’t win this one. It was like she wasn’t even really fighting him. As if she was fighting something else altogether.

And she kept punching. She couldn’t stop, if she stopped it would mean something. She didn’t know what it would mean, but she didn’t want it. She had to keep swinging her fists, had to keep punching. She didn’t have a choice.

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Joint Post by Absinthe and Stegro88

[Tesserarius Lorad | Security Training Room | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe
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Lorad was not surprised when Sel struck him in the back, although her aim could have been better. Lower back, beside the spine was the opportune target; not his shoulder. He barely had time to shrug off the blow before the next one came, followed by more after it. Their aim, well, Lorad wasn’t sure if they were aimed. And the force behind each one was decreasing as each landed. Soon enough, he heard the reason why; Sel was crying. And yet she continued to wail at him. Lorad stood there for a time, allowing her to expend herself.

But eventually, he turned around and caught her wrists with his clawed hands and held them between himself and the Bajoran. Her face was tear streaked and red from her emotional release and Lorad wondered if perhaps he had gone too far. He was in familiar and yet unfamiliar territory.

“Fear not a weakness, Ensign Sel,” Lorad proclaimed softly. “Fear reminder that you live. And living mean nothing set in stone.” Lorad himself knew fear. Fear for his sister. Fear for himself. Fear for this ship that was protecting his sister. Fear that he would let his father down. “If know fear, accept fear. Face fear. As I say before.”

“I do not fear. Fear stills the mind,” Lorad said, reciting once again the litany that he had learnt as a youth. “Fear is the moment that invites death. I will fight my fear. I will defeat it and learn from it. So that I fear it no longer. Only I will remain.”

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Training Room | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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Fear.

He kept talking about fear. She wanted to make him stop, make him stop talking about it like it was real, stop telling her how to survive. She wasn't even sure she wanted to survive at this point. The only thing she had worth making it out of this shitstorm for was Sarresh and now he was taken from her. And now she wasn't going to see him again, she could feel that in her gut.

So what did she have now?

She pulled against his grip, already her arms were tired. Hell, her whole body was tired. She hadn't slept, hadn't given herself even a moment's reprieve, since the ship had broken up, since she had been forced to leave Sarresh behind.

She'd left men behind before, she'd fought in that hellish war. She'd gotten into shuttles and made those promises of seeing each other again, but then she had gotten the latest list and seen the name. She'd left people she cared for behind and she'd never seen them again. This time was not different. She'd left Sarresh behind and she knew in her heart she would never see him again.

"And how do you fight fear? How do you fight it when you know that you left the person you love behind and you will never see them again?" she demanded, doing her best to force the tears out of her eyes. "Tell me that, Reman. Tell me how I am supposed to fight the fear that I failed him and because of that he's going to be put through who the fuck knows what kind of tests and then likely killed so he can be torn apart. How the fuck do I fight that?"

She was done fighting at this point and simply let her knees give out from under her, dropping to the floor, landing on her knees and staring at the mat.

[Tesserarius Lorad | Security Training Room | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe  
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Lorad almost bristled at being addressed as Reman. It was how he and his kind were addressed in the mines of Remus by their Romulan overseers. Reman. Never their name. But this wasn’t Remus and Sel wasn’t Romulan and so he forced himself not to react.

Instead he listened as Sel demanded an explanation from him. He stood and watched as the Bajoran Mistress-at-Arms collapsed to the floor. And he waited, giving the woman a moment in her turmoil as he considered how best to answer what she had asked of him. Deciding on a method, but still unsure of how successful it would be, the Reman Shock Trooper crouched down next to his sparring partner.

“To fight fear by knowing fear. I... understand it,” Lorad said, having to search for the right word to try and convey his meaning. It would be easier with the translator but Sel did not have her combadge. “Fear everywhere. Danger everywhere. But not let stop you. Or you die.”

“Victory is not letting fear win. Always fight, never surrender to fear,” Lorad advised calmly. He wasn’t sure if what he was saying was making any sense to the kneeling woman in front of him. “I not know about this man. Or where he is. But, if places changed, would he fight for you? Will you fight for him?”

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Training Room | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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And there was the crux of the matter. It wasn't so much that she felt like she wasn't fighting or that she felt like he would not be fighting for her, it was that she did not know what to do to fight. Her task was to protect the ship, to uphold the security of those on board from any forces that would arise. But that task did not align with what she wanted, she wanted to turn the ship around and go find him, to bring him back to her.

"I don't even know if he's alive out there. He hasn't been at any of the rendezvous and even if the rest of the ship did come back together there is no guarantee that he would not be one of those taken by those creatures," she said dejectedly. She was defeated, too tired to fight and too damn pissed to fully give up. She was stuck and could barely bring herself to act. She had tied herself up in knots again and again because of all of this and she couldn't take it anymore.

"You make it sound like there is some battle to be fought, something I can do, but there really fucking isn't," Sel went on, frustration building in her voice. "All I can do is my duty and I can pretend that somehow that will make everything better when I know that chances are I won't ever see him again and I won't ever get to tell him how I feel, how I really feel. I've fought in wars, I know what it means when the team breaks up like this. It means there isn't a very strong possibility of meeting back up on the other side. It means that the happy ending is canceled."

[Tesserarius Lorad | Security Training Room | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe  
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“I not know what mean by happy ending,” Lorad said after listening to Sel vent. He had understood most of what she had said though and it sounded like that she was not understanding what he was trying to tell her. He had to try and figure out another way to get his point across.

“You miss point,” proclaimed after thinking for a moment. “I hurt my sister. I blow up ship and injure her bad. Transported here but doctor not save her. He...uh, stasis her. Not alive but not dead either. Still hurt,” Lorad explained slowly. “Now, Samala need ship to stay alive. I protect ship to protect Samala. You protect ship so you see man again. His life in stasis. Not dead but not alive.”

“Need ship find him. Do job. Protect ship,” Lorad continued as he gazed at Ensign Sel. “You say chances say he is dead. That may be true. But until know for sure, must continue to hope for best. You cannot lose hope. If do, you die. Always hope. If fight to die, die you will. Must fight to live.”

“I help if can,” Lorad announced, he deep voice suddenly seeming to reverberate around the room. “I may be Reman, but I have honour.”

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Training Room | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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She was beginning to think she understood, at least in part. She needed to protect the ship, needed to do her duty, and in doing that she'd make sure that she would have the best possible chance of seeing Sarresh again. If she kept the ship she was on safe, and kept moving forward she'd be more likely to see him than if she stopped and wallowed in her grief and despair.

"I think I've got it," she said, forcing herself to stop crying, forcing herself to focus on the world, on what she had around her. She had tasks to do, jobs that she had shirked, sleep she'd put off. "And if I don't take care of myself, I can't do my job, and if I can't do my job then I can't make it back to Sarresh." She nodded as if deciding something. She was going to have to move forward. She was going to have to move forward without Sarresh, at least for the moment. She'd stopped and waited, holding herself back and waited for him. She had forced herself to stay awake and on duty, just in case the moment had come. She needed to do her job. She needed to stop acting like a cadet and act like a fucking officer.

She slowly pulled herself to her feet and rubbed her wrists. "I could use a drink, care for some? I have a bottle of Fire Water I've been saving," she offered with a heavy sigh.

[Tesserarius Lorad | Security Training Room | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe
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“At least I did not have to hit her again,” Lorad thought to himself as he listened to Ensign Sel reiterate for herself what he had been trying to tell her. He wasn’t perfectly sure the role she played in protecting this ship but the title of Mistress-At-Arms sounded important and when he had first seen her; in his opinion, she was incapable of doing her job whatever it was. Now, now he could almost see her mind working, analysing how she had been acting and determining a way to set things right.

“Fire Water,” Lorad repeated silently after hearing the Bajoran’s offer of a drink. “I never expected to hear that term outside of the holonovels I used to read. Even I know that it is an archaic term for alcohol. And I am terrible at Federation Standard.”

“Thank you, Ensign Sel,” Lorad ground out in Standard to the Bajoran. “I would like drink,” the Reman acknowledged. “I happy I not have to hit you more. You understand now. Not good live in past. Not see future," Lorad asserted. “Future unknown but may have treasures not looked for.”

“But you offer drink,” Lorad said as he returned his mind to the present. “Please, lead way.”

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Security Training Room | Deck 15 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Stegro88
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Sel could not help but smirk a little. The reman man had a unique way to wording things and as she pulled back on her undershirt and jacket she made a not of it. She could go off duty anytime she wanted at this point and she felt like she'd been on duty long enough. She had saved the bottle for a special occasion, for something important, but given that she wanted a drink and she didn't feel like trying to figure out where else on the ship might have anything close to real alcohol she figured this was a good enough reason to break into her stash. She'd smuggled a crate of the shit on board when she'd first been stationed on the Theurgy and back in those days, she'd thought it would be pretty easy to get more. That had proven to not be the case. She didn't know how much longer she'd even have the supply she did have.

"I can't say it's as potent as Romulan Ale or whatever it is you're used to, we Bajoran's have a hearty constitution, but I swear whoever invented that shit had a duranium lined stomach," she said jokingly as she fastened her jacket most of the way up, leaving the collar unfastened. "Hope you don't mind drinking in my quarters, I'm not technically supposed to have this shit on board and I don't feel like losing what little I have left due to some stupid fucking technicality about non-trade approved alcohols. The Fire Cave Distillery isn't registered and no one on Bajor gives a fuck, so why does Starfleet?" She shook her head and gestured for him to follow as she made her way out of the training area.

- FIN