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CH02: S [D02|0040] One More Casualty

[Lieutenant Commander Cross |  Cross's Quarters | Deck 07 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @BZ

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The hours after the bombing seemed to stretch forever. Stuck on the Bridge, Cross was completely helpless to do anything, reduced to staring at sensors and trying not to think about the situation below decks. He knew, of course, how bad it was. Many dead, many wounded, both Theurgy crew and Klingons...and that was it. Protocols about privacy meant that Cross couldn't get anything more than "critically injured", so for two hours on the Bridge, he stewed. By the time an hour had passed, he was almost hoping for a Bird of Prey to attack just so that he could blow it to hell.

Kai, you stupid bastard. Ranaan...Blue is going to kill you if you don't die this time. Fuck, I'm sick of this.

Finally, eventually, Cross's shift ended. Desperate though he was to go to Sickbay and find out more, common sense (or logic, he thought bitterly) won out: they wouldn't tell him anything. It'd be a futile trip. He half wondered if Blue would be there, but he knew better: she wasn't the type to sit in Sickbay, grieving. She'd do something else, go anywhere else except there.

Instead, Cross aimed for his quarters. A shower, a change of uniform, strong coffee, then he'd deal with the mess that awaited, both professional and personal. It looked set to be a long night, and he sure as hell wouldn't go into it without fuel.

All such thoughts went away as the door opened to reveal that his quarters were not, in fact, as he left them that morning. Chairs had been thrown, a table had been upended and knick-knacks were scattered all over the place, clearly victim of a paroxysm of rage. The lights had been almost completely dimmed, a small shape curled up in the darkest corner of the main room, far from the viewports. The place was completely silent.

Cross just sighed. He didn't say a word as he went over to that shape, not bothering to turn up the lights. He simply sat down besides the intruder, leaned his back to the bulkhead and pulled a knee up to his chest.

Re: CH02: S [D02|0040] One More Casualty

Reply #1 –
[LCdr. Blue Tiran | I Can't be Sorry | I Just Need You | Don't be Angry | Pain]
@Griff




It hadn't been her intended result, this mess.

No, her plan had been come here, and find solace in Cross.  He had been there on the Versant, he had been there when she thought he was dead, when she was going through the worst pain in her life.  This.. this was a fucking hellacious nightmare again.  She couldn't breathe, the pain in her lungs which ached behind her ribs was resonating throughout her entire body.  This was the place she could hide, no one would find her here.  Well wishers and pitiful looks awaited her if she went the direction of the First Officer quarters that she had shared with Ducote since they had come on this fucking ship.  One that she was now regretting.  She had asked him to stay, she had pushed them to stay, they had every right to walk the fuck off the ship and head off to their own futures.  And now, because of her, he was in a stasis pod and her last fucking chance was a white headed mother fucker that she had somehow made an alliance with.

When she had arrived at the Quarters of her best friend, Cross, it was empty. She had called out for him in the most pathetic of voices but he wasn't there.  On duty probably, and without the support that she had really needed from him she had ended up trashing some of it.  Happy momentos crashed to the floor, the table that she caught her hip on and smarted briefly was flipped over, another chair that just looked at her wrong was flipped over.  As she raged, and cried, and raged at the way that things worked out again... again.....

She couldn't breathe.

Spent, she collapsed to the ground having screamed herself out, her throat raw, her face covered in tears once more as she crawled herself to the wall and sat against it in the darkness, the lights were on the dimmest setting because the light was too much.  To see the damage she had done only compounded the pain that she felt. 

Blue had no idea how long it was before the doors swished open.  The lights weren't asked to increase, a small boon for her, as Cross took in what she had done.  She would make it right, she would make it more than right, but he didn't deserve her physical grief taken out on his Quarters.  She could hear the swish of his feet as the bald Vulcan crossed over the room and to her, he had found her in the darkness as only he could.  He sat down beside her without a word and pulled one of his legs up to his chest.  She knew that he was waiting, and waiting was what he was good at. 

They had bonded so heavily while they were on the Versant becoming each other's comfort and finding out how much they truly had in common.  Blue sniffled softly, the first sound she had made since he had come into the room.  Softly, she leaned over, her body kind of collapsed on his shoulder.  She felt her face crumbling and the air escaped her lungs in a massive gasp that was nothing but sheer pain and agony.  Her body curled into Cross' as she clawed at his uniform and clenched it in her fist as the huge racking sobs escaped her body and her breaths came out in massive gasps of a drowning person.

Re: CH02: S [D02|0040] One More Casualty

Reply #2 –
[Lieutenant Commander Cross | Cross's Quarters | Deck 07 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @BZ

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Sitting there, with Blue imploding right beside him, Cross felt just as helpless as when he'd been trapped by the Cardassians, toward the end. He knew as well as anyone how fragile Blue could be, despite the insanity she'd pulled off on the Versant and the terrors she could inflict on her engineers. What had happened to Ranaan...the sheer randomness of it, the suddenness, the timing, just after the wedding...they'd had what, a month since the Versant?

Cross sighed, awkwardly enfolding Blue in his arms as she broke. He held fast as she sobbed, clawed and clutched his uniform, locking her tight in place, hoping that he could at least be an anchor. What a mess. What a fuckstained mess.  To top it all off, he was all Blue had to pick up the pieces, and vice versa. The crippled helping the broken. As cosmic jokes went, it was about as funny as the Niga outbreak.

"Just let it out, it's fine," Cross got out roughly, holding Blue tight. Even in the darkness, he could see that she looked as bad as she felt, and his over-sensitive nose wrinkled even more at the salty smell of her tears. He kept murmuring nothings like that, having no idea what else to do as he held Blue through it all.

Re: CH02: S [D02|0040] One More Casualty

Reply #3 –
[LCdr Blue Tiran | Can't Breathe | Pain | Not Again | It's Worse This Time]
@Griff




As she crumpled, as all the emotions and thought behind all of her fears and truths began to pour out of her body she found him holding onto her.  Cross had been there the first time, but they had been only just meeting and Ranaan while she thought he was dead.. had still been some hope.  Here, there was such a slight hope and only because there was a Savi involved, it was all she could do to continue hoping that something good would happen at the end.  But, even still, she knew the looks on the faces of the doctors, she knew what they weren't saying, she didn't want to go there, she couldn't handle him not being in her life anymore.

He had saved her from loneliness and built her up more than anyone else in her life.  Ranaan was the kind of man that could see past the exterior of Blue Tiran and see that she was a real and true person on the inside.  That she was a shattered little girl that had raised herself through some seriously heavy bull shit, who had lost her rock when she was nine years old and left to fend for herself.  She had made brilliant work on herself, though she had to shut out the entire world around her.  She had made sure to make sure that she didn't let anyone fuck her over again, she didn't want to let emotions make her vulnerable.

Enter Ranaan Ducote.

He had shaken her entire world, made her feel worthwhile, made her the center of his world and yet never once held her back.  Understood who and what she was, but saw through all her bull shit and knew how to put her back in balance.  He knew how to calm her down, how to call her back to sanity, and how to .. with a single look make sure she knew she was over stepping her bounds.

Now, he was in stasis and she was without the foundation of her entire world.

She cried into Cross' chest.  He held her tightly and she was glad for it because she felt that if he wasn't holding her she would just fall apart.  Not because she didn't have someone to stand beside her but because of how important Ranaan was to her.  He was her foundation, he was her rock, her center, her gravity.  With him being gone she didn't know how she was supposed to stand tall as she had before.  Cross' arms were everything right now, to keep her grounded in a different way.

Blue cried for quite some time, the only person other than Ranaan to ever see Blue's tears.  When she finally fell quiet, her face was hot, and wet, and streaked with tears.  But she felt absolutely spent.  The kind of exhaustion that was soul deep, and not something that she could just get over.  This was a different kind of pain.  She could only hope desperately that something could help and change and he would be all right.  She would see his smile again, hear his voice again, hear her nickname again.  Those things that drove her on a daily basis.

“What am I going to do.” she whispered out her throat raw with the tears.

Re: CH02: S [D02|0040] One More Casualty

Reply #4 –
[Lieutenant Commander Cross | Cross's Quarters | Deck 07 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @BZ

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There was naught to do but hold Blue and wait it out. Worse, the more she cried, sobbed and raged at a cruel universe, the more he wanted to cry and rage too. Ranaan and Kai were dead. Blue was broken. Cross felt damn near broken. It was random, stupid, nonsensical, illogical and a thousand other words. It was as if Blue's grief gave him permission to feel, and Cross hated her for that. He didn't want to feel, but he couldn't stop it, could never stop it.

"Do?" he muttered in reply to Blue's question. Cross was silent for a moment, his own eyes red and sore even if they stayed dry. "We're doing it. I think we're doing it. Damn, I don't know." Lost for words, furious at himself for not knowing what to say, how to help, Cross didn't just hate himself and Blue. He hated Ranaan too. Stupid bastard, getting himself killed. Yeah, it wasn't his fault, but that didn't stop rage brewing in Cross' heart, rage at him, the Klingons, Starfleet, the universe, everything, who the hell cared...

Eventually, Cross realised just how boneless Blue felt against his body. She was just a body right now, Blue having cried herself out into a deep fatigue that he recognised. He even felt it a little himself, his limbs heavy. Nevertheless, he finally stirred, awkwardly getting to his feet.

"I'm getting you to bed," he grumbled, rubbing his eyes wearily. "Forget your quarters, just use my bed. I won't be using it." Cross hesitated, shrugged, then simply bent down and picked Blue up. She was heavier than he'd expected, somehow, heavier than he remembered. Nevertheless, he got her to the bed easily enough, laying her out on it, then sat on the foot of the bed.

"Sleep," he ordered sternly, not that it mattered. As far as Blue was concerned, he had all the authority of a drunk leprechaun. "Work out this shit when...later. We'll work it out."

Re: CH02: S [D02|0040] One More Casualty

Reply #5 –
[LCdr Blue Tiran-Ducote | Hollow | Hole in the Chest | Gone | Can't Breathe]
@Griff




He was holding her, as she came apart, and the illogical part of her felt as though he was all that was holding her together at this point.  AS much as she didn't want to believe it, she knew it to be true.  It was so hard for her to breathe, to think, and to even contemplate a world where he was really gone.  Ducote had been.. was.. everything.  He wasn't dead yet but she knew there was little hope that he would be able to come around and back to the man that he once was.  She would have taken him and kept him in any form, her love for him was that deep.  But, hanging over the heads of the both of them was the fact that he didn't wish to be alive in any form, he wished to be alive fully functioning and Blue knew that if she was in the same position she would feel the same. 

Cross told her they were doing what they could.  They were mourning, they were crying, they were raging.  There was nothing more that they could do than be in this moment and suffer with the pain that they were feeling.  She shivered slightly as she brushed the backs of her hands against her cheeks, though it wasn't really going to help.  She probably looked as shit as she felt at this point. 

She felt gone, removed from the whole situation, she felt as though she didn't have what it took to stand up, to go anywhere, to get anything done.  She was just against him, slumped, she had nothing to give, no way to sit up, no strength to lift her head off his chest as she lay there with her face and head thumping her heartbeat underneath her skin because of how stuffy it was with all her tears and crying.  Cross moved, and it forced Blue to hold herself up with a weak whimper-moan that was so uncharacteristic of the young Engineer.  Only 28 years old and about to be a widow. 

Abandoned, again.

He told her he wanted her to go to bed.  She shook her head weakly she didn't think she could go home.  “I can't sleep without Ran.” she whispered softly.  He told her that she could use his bed, he didn't need it and she didn't have to go back to her Quarters at this moment.  Her swollen eyes shifted upwards, the striking ice blue surrounded by the striations of red from her crying.  He didn't take no for an answer bending over he quickly picked her up as though she didn't weigh anything.  Blue didn't have any energy or strength left in her body for the fight that would have normally come if he had hoisted her up. 

Cross carried her over towards the bed and lay her down.  She kicked off her boots, she could never sleep with them on except on the Savi ship and she didn't want to remember that nightmare, this nightmare was close enough.  His bed smelled like him, but he didn't get in and join her, he seemed to be not sleeping he had said.  So, she lay there on his bed in the darkness she could just make out the outline of his bald head at the side of the bed where he sat on the floor.  Looking over his shoulder he ordered her to sleep.  Blue's eyes were heavy and raw and her heart hurt so much she was fairly certain that someone had shot a canon through her chest. 

He told her that they would work the shit out later.  Blue didn't know what to say, she just felt straight hollow, but she reached out her hand across the bed, so that her hand lay on his robe gripping the collar.  Not tightly, just for comfort.  It had been some time, outside of the Savi kidnapping, that she had slept alone or without Ran's pillow planted firmly in her nose.  She was not the sort that had ever needed anything to sleep but right now as empty as she felt it was nice to feel not alone.  Blue's eyes closed, and opened, to make sure he was still there, then closed again.  Repeating the process a few times before her lids were too heavy to open one last time and soon her breathing descended into the depth of sleep, though tears still leaked from her eyes as she slept, her fingers on his collar twitching but not pulling or causing any real issues. 

Blue was thankful for Cross, not for the first time in her life, he was better than she deserved in a person.

Re: CH02: S [D02|0040] One More Casualty

Reply #6 –
[ Lt. Cmdr. Cross | Personal Quarters | Deck 07 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @BZ
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Cross heard the noise of something sliding across the bed, then felt the hand take hold of his collar, the former hybrid guessing that she was making sure he was still here, afraid he would leave. Afraid she would be left alone again. Left alone by another person.

After all they’d been through together, she should know him better than that.

With a soft sigh Cross reached up with his organic hand, careful not to move too much lest he disturb her, and gently placed it over Blue’s. A small awareness blossomed in the back of his mind the moment his skin made contact with hers, his touch-telepathy giving him only a vague awareness of her rather than a clear picture. That vague impression was enough for him to feel some of the pain, loneliness and loss which seemed to saturate every fiber of Blue’s being. He could also feel as Blue slowly drifted off to sleep, much as she tried to fight it. One corner of Cross’ mouth twitched, the ghost of a smile passing over his features as he sensed her fighting to stay awake. Then she was out, the turmoil in his awareness of her calming as sleep took her at last.

The smile vanished form his features, the former hybrid’s jaw tightening slightly as his thoughts wandered. Kai… Annika… Ducote…

All dead, or near enough to it. There were precious few survivors of the Endeavour left, and they had just lost several more. He knew Blue would feel the loss far more acutely than anyone else. He knew Ducote had been one of the only things holding her together, keeping her going during the hard times. He had been there with her the last time she had thought she’d lost Ducote, back aboard the Versant. He had seen her pain then, even as she’d fallen asleep against his shoulder. She had seemed so small then, so vulnerable.

Just as she did now.

Turning his head, careful not to move too much, Cross peered with his pale gaze through the darkness at Blue’s still form, listening to the soft rhythmic breathing of the Human woman. So small, so vulnerable.

Cross sighed again, turning his head to stare off into the darkness of his room. He wanted to help Blue, wanted to shield her from all the pain she was feeling. He wanted to protect her from the hurt, just as he had aboard the Savi’s hell-ship. With that thought Cross raised his left hand, flexing the metallic digits. He wished the current situation was as simple as the one which had given him this metallic appendage, but he couldn’t just give a hand to keep her safe this time.

If only it were that simple…

”What am I going to do?” Her words echoed through his mind again, her voice raw and quiet and laced with desperation.

”I don’t know, Blue…” Cross murmured into the darkness, feeling her hand’s grip loosen on his collar as she drifted deeper into sleep, his hand gently holding it in place lest she wake up and think herself alone. ”I don’t know… but you won’t do it alone…”

Re: CH02: S [D02|0040] One More Casualty

Reply #7 –
[LCdr Blue Tiran | Standing Alone | But Leaning Against | Finding a New Way | Thank You]
@Fife




Quote
“Ugh Em, this room is …”  Angela stood at the door way to Em's dungeon as it had been lovingly dubbed at some point, probably by Arthur, but most used by Angela because he was away so much now that he had joined the Federation.  “Can you even get stains like that out of carpet?” she asked toeing the edge of one of the splatter puddles of grease that had stained the carpet weeks ago.

Emelia Tiran looked up, her hair was piled on top of her head as the young nine year old genius watched her older sister with slight interest.  Angela was fashionable, thin, with dark blue eyes and a swatch of black curls much like Em.  Unlike Emelia, her sister knew how to deal with the curls and they were always in a perfect array, with her bit of make up, cool accessories, Angela was the kind of girl that got a lot of attention. 

Boys were gross.  Except Arthur.

“I dont know..” Em shrugged her slender shoulders and scratched at an itch on her face unknowingly leaving a bit of grease there. 

“Has mom seen it?” Ang asked as she looked over at her sister who was already back at work with some sort of .. thing she was trying to design in her hands.

“I haven't been screamed at yet so...”

“What are you working on now?  It looks like a mess.”

Blue glared at her sister over the top of her project.  Angela never understood.  Angela was all girly and pretty and liked friends and trips to the mall.  Blue liked it when Arthur took her to the junkyard and when he helped her design things, and when he watched her work.  He always pretended he was sleeping or reading some manual or another but she could tell he was watching her out of the corner of his eyes.  She had heard him once telling a friend he had brought home from Academy about how brilliant his little sister was.  Blue knew he wasn't talking about Angela.

The bell to the front door rang, and Blue looked up at her sister again.

“Who's that?” Blue asked curiously.

“Hopefully someone for me!  I'm dying of boredom!”

“You can't die of boredom.”

“Well sometimes I'm pretty sure it's happening around here, nothing happens around here.” she said with a roll of her eyes.

Blue slid down off of her stool and walked around the work bench that took up almost as much space in her room as her bed.  Together the girls stepped in the hallway and headed to the front room where their mother was already heading for the door.

“Emilea Tiran!  Go wash your face!”

“Mom!” Blue said as she tried to scrub at her face with the back of her hand though it really just made the smudge larger.

Em's mom was looking at her daughter as she reached over and opened the door with one hand, though when she saw two Federation officers standing there with a case in their hands the entire world froze.  Blue could hear her mother's scream of horror echoing through the house and the heavy footsteps of their father rushing in from the other room.  The world stopped.

Blue shot up in bed.  Her hair falling around her in a tangled disarray the last of a sharp gasp still on her lips.  A cold sweat populated her brow, the room was chilled, not because she had a fever but because she was sweating and the temperature control unit was set to sleep.  Blue shivered as she pulled the blankets up around her a little bit to help combat the chill.  Blue eyes, almost black in the darkness of the room, looked around at the carnage she had wrought in her own grief and she saw the familiar shape of the most important bald head to a Chief Engineer.

She could tell he was watching her, waiting for what she might do.  Blue sighed softly in the blackness, she didn't want the lights on right now.  Not just yet. 

The world had stopped three times in her life now.  First, Arthur.  A nine year old was too young to truly understand nor feel the scope of the pain that came with losing one's best friend, the only person that understood them.  Loss had been a massive blow to a young girl, but even more punctuated by the fact that in many ways she had lost her parents then as well.  Then Ducote, round one, he had tossed her off on an escape pod, promised he would come,and never shown his fucking face.  She had been so certain that he died and yet in some way there had always been hope.  Now Ducote, round two, there was only a scrap of hope and it was such a slight thing that even she knew, it was ridiculous to hold onto, but Blue Tiran was not one to give up shit. 

Was third time the charm?

Not fucking likely.

Blue brushed a mass of messy curls out of her face and looked over at her favorite Vulcan in the universe.  He sat there still, where he had been when she grabbed his collar.  Her eyes were swollen, she could feel the puffy skin in the way it felt when she blinked.  “Don't give me pity.” she said, her voice was raw with the raging, the screaming, and the crying she had done earlier. 

“Do you ever wonder if you're just fucking cursed?” she asked her voice, again, raw but there was so much truth and pain in those words.

Re: CH02: S [D02|0040] One More Casualty

Reply #8 –
[ Lt. Cmdr. Cross | Personal Quarters | Deck 07 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @BZ
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Cross had spent some time staring off into the darkness of his room, his mind replaying the list of names of those injured and lost in the explosion in the Spearhead Lounge. Much as he felt for Blue and the loss of Ducote, the name on that list which weighed heaviest on his mind was that of his closest friend, Kai. The behemoth of a Human was alive, if only barely, and currently being held in stasis until his injuries could be properly dealt with.

If they could be dealt with…

Even with modern medical equipment and techniques, Cross was all too aware of the fact that sometimes people were simply too far gone to be saved. The body could only endure so much before it suffered a catastrophic cascade of system failures. Kai was only alive by virtue of the fact that he had been sitting a little further away from the blast than others. Annika hadn’t been so lucky, having been killed almost instantly. Others had faired batter, though had still ended up much the same as Kai. Khorin was in stasis, perhaps the first time in the big oaf’s life that he had actually been quiet. Izar, his old Academy roommate, and Seren, pain in the neck that he was, were both in the same state. Add Martin’s name to the list, and the Theurgy had lost three senior staff to the explosion.

Cross wasn’t sure how long he’d sat in the darkness of his quarters as such thoughts drifted through his mind, interrupted at times by the tiny awareness of Blue which drifted on the edge of his awareness. However long it had been, Cross had dozed off at some point.

He still sat on the floor with his back against the bed, his hand still resting atop of Blue’s, his head hanging forward as his breath moved in and out in the slow, steady rhythm of sleep.

The awareness of Blue’s mind woke him just a fraction of a second before Blue’s movement would have, the Engineer suddenly sitting bolt-upright in the bed with a gasp. Cross’ eyes snapped open even as the hand which had rested on his shoulder pulled away, the Vulcan shifting his position so that he could look at Blue without twisting his neck like her damned robotic owl. He could just make her out in the dim light which shone in through the viewport, rendering her into a barely detailed silhouette from where he sat. Even so, he could see her breathing heavily as she shivered, then pulled the blankets up around her. Cross felt the chill in the air too, though he ignored it for the moment. Blue was his only concern.

He watched as she swept her hair out of her face, his pale eyes staring through the darkness at his friend with concern. He had been with Blue the last time she had thought she’d lost Ducote, and he remembered all too clearly the mental devastation that belief had wrought on her. His knowledge of those events left Cross with a feeling of trepidation in regards to Blue now, the former hybrid unsure of how she would react. As it was she simply turned to look at him, the change in the angle of her head throwing half of her face into sharp relief. He could see the pale skin of her face framed by dark hair with a streak of blue, her eyes swollen and puffy from crying, her crystalline blue eyes staring back at him through the darkness until, at last, she spoke.

”Don’t give me pity.” She sounded small, vulnerable, her voice quiet and hoarse from the onslaught of emotion which had overcome her just hours before and which sleep had done little to remedy. Then, ”Do you ever wonder if you’re just fucking cursed?”

”I don’t wonder,” Cross said softly without even taking time to consider the question, his pale gaze never leaving her as he answered, ”I know.”

Cross shifted then, pushing himself first into a crouch, then to his feet. He hopped a step before sitting on the edge of the bed, his right leg having fallen asleep from sitting so long in an awkward position. Once seated, he turned his seemingly unblinking gaze back to his friend. ”You and I have lived lives which I would describe as the opposite of what you Humans would call blessed.” The voice of Hathev popped into the back of his mind for a moment, informing him of the illogical nature of deeming one individual’s life as more blessed than another. Cross pushed the Vulcan’s voice away, focusing on the Human before him. He wanted to reach out and comfort Blue, to wrap her in his arms as he had earlier and tell her everything would be ok, but wasn’t sure that such a thing was what she needed at that moment. Cross, not generally being one to know what would be needed in such moments, was also well aware that in such situations, everything was rarely ok. ”And I’m not here to give you pity. You should know me better than that.” The corner of his mouth curved upwards ever so slightly in the ghost of a sad smile. ”All I can offer is a bed to sleep in and a friend to talk to, even if that friend isn’t so good at talking.”

Re: CH02: S [D02|0040] One More Casualty

Reply #9 –
[LCdr Blue Tiran | The Cursed | Fuck You VooDoo | Come at Me World | Have Nothing Left to Take]
@Fife




To know you were cursed, was almost a blessing.

Blue was pretty fucking sure that she was cursed same as him.  She had lost her brother, lost her sister, lost her parents, kidnapped by bulbous alien fuckers, and then, to top it off she was going to lose the only person in the world that had ever given a shit about her long enough to figure her the fuck out.  She was cursed too and she knew enough about Cross' background to know that he was the same as she was.  They were a fucking matched pair and perhaps that was why she had grown instantly comfortable with him when they met. It was rare for Blue to let anyone in, even rarer still for her to be actually comfortable with them.  However, now, she had to admit that two people had earned that honor.  Only one was still breathing on his own.

Cross rose from his position on the floor and Blue's strikingly swollen eyes followed his movements as he did so.  He got up on the bed close to her but not as close as she was kind of wishing that he was.  Still, he admitted that neither of them had lived lives that anyone would call blessed.  “Does anyone in his messed up fucking universe ever live a blessed life?  I swear that everyone has a ridiculous amount of shit going on in their lives but I think we won the shit-lottery.  Because of the fuckton of shit that we are having to live through.”

He promised that he wasn't there to give her pity, she should know him better than that.  Which was completely true.  She gave a bit of a smirk as well looking over at him with a shake of her head.  “You're right, you don't do that shit but I had to make sure because everyone else on this fucking ship is going to be giving it to me all the time and probably for the next several months or years of my fucking life and I just hate that shit.  I don't need anyone to feel bad for me, they're my emotions I wish people would quit wanting to put a fucking bandaid on my fucking problems as though it would help because if fucking bandages would fix what the fuck is wrong with me Sickbay would have covered it decades ago.”

He told her that all he could offer her was a bed, a friend, and possibly talking even though they were both shit at it.  “You're calling the pot and kettle different colors again.” she said nudging him with her shoulder and grinning at him a little bit. It felt normal, a spot of normal, here with Cross in his Quarters while they were both still in the aftermath of the shit.

“He was the first one.” she admitted after silence had fallen between them after her earlier comment.  Somehow Blue was now leaning against his chest and with her head falling back on his shoulder so that her eyes were looking up at the dark ceiling. She was still wrapped in the covers a little bit but the warmth of Cross was much better than what the covers could offer her.  “The first one to look beyond the curse words and the massive fist in the chest that said leave me the fuck alone.  He saw past all of that, he said it wasn't the empathy, and it might not have been.  But... he was the only fucking person in the world that gave me a chance.” she said softly her voice was quiet, and almost hollow, but it was filled with such an emotion that was hard to name.

“I thought I lost him once, and now... now I have.  I am not stupid, I've done research on what's wrong.  They said they can't do anything for him.  Maybe the Savi can.. but.. I can't hold out hope because if I hold out hope and it's not what I want to hear I might destroy the delicate alliance to those fuckers that we have worked our asses for.  And I'm pretty sure that'll end up with a Ives boot up my ass on the way into the nearest airlock.  But also.. I can't hope because.. because .. it's the second time I've lost him.  And this time, for real.”

Re: CH02: S [D02|0040] One More Casualty

Reply #10 –
[ Lt. Cmdr. Cross | Personal Quarters | Deck 07 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @BZ

Cross had stopped being shocked by Blue Tiran’s colourful manner of speech long ago, before the events of the Borg attack and the Versant, and well before the events aboard the Theurgy. The former hybrid, himself gruff and foul mouthed and in no position to judge, had always taken the no-fucks-given attitude and speech of the Endeavour’s feared Chief Engineer as a source of private amusement which had served to liven up Senior Staff meetings. In the aftermath of the Endeavour’s destruction, their strange bond which had come into being aboard the Versant and the shitshow which had seemed to follow them ever since, Cross had begun to find Blue’s harsh verbal mannerisms to be familiar and comforting.

Doubtless the entirety of the Engineering department would think him utterly insane, but the facts were what they were…

”You’re right, you don't do that shit but I had to make sure because everyone else on this fucking ship is going to be giving it to me all the time and probably for the next several months or years of my fucking life and I just hate that shit…”

As Cross suppressed a slight smile as he listened to Blue, the Vulcan suspecting the reality would be that no one would dare to show anything close to pity for the woman after she gave the first person to do so a tongue-lashing which would send the poor bastard to the Counselling department. Worse still, there was no Ranaan Ducote to respond to a “Blue alert”, to swoop in and save whoever had incurred Blue’s wrath from the verbal onslaught which Blue was capable of. No, Cross didn’t pity Blue…

But he pitied the first person who did…

Even so, Cross could understand where she was coming from. He had seen pity in the eyes of those who dealt with him in the aftermath of the camp’s liberation, and he had hated them for it. It had been nearly as bad as the dismissive and derisive look in the eyes of the Cardassians when they looked at him. When the Nurse who had processed him following his liberation had discovered he didn’t actually have a name, he had seen tears in her eyes. It had simply made him feel worse, however good their intentions had been.

When Blue told him he was calling the pot and kettle different colours again, it took him a moment to catch her meaning, though he immediately knew she meant it with a sense of humour by the nudge she gave to accompany the words. He was glad to see the slight grin she gave him as she did so as well, a glimmer of the real Blue seeming to peek out from the face that was streaked and puffy from the tears it had shed. ”Why do Humans have such weird hajari expressions?” Cross chuckled, shifting himself as Blue’s nudge turned into her leaning against him, the Vulcan placing an arm across her blanket-bundled shoulders to support her and stop her sliding off him. ”You Humans always say shit like ”when in Rome” or ”Bob’s your uncle”. I asked Ducote once why someone would have skin on their teeth, because that just seems hajari gross, and he just looked at me like I had two hajari heads and laughed.” Cross shook his head at the memory, then worried he had made a mistake in mentioning Ranaan Ducote.

As Blue started to speak again, Cross realized that he had not. Instead, it seemed he had broken through some barrier which had been holding Blue back, allowing her to speak about the man she loved.

”He was the first one…” Cross listened quietly, letting Blue speak. She spoke of how Ranaan had been the first one to truly see her, to look beyond the prickly exterior she showed to the world. How he had given her a chance. She spoke of how she had thought she’d lost him once, the words reminding Cross of another time Blue had leaned against him like this, the first time in fact. Blue had been asleep, granted, and Cross had not had the nerve or desire to shift her, but had instead been overcome by the desire to protect Blue in the dark recesses of the Savi ship, to shield her from the pain and the loss and the horror of what lay around them. He had, of course, been unable to protect her from the pain and loss, though he had protected her in other ways.

Now, as Blue admitted to knowing that nothing could be done for Ranaan Ducote, Cross felt himself once again wishing he could do more for her, wishing he could shield her form the impending loss. When they had escaped Savi captivity they had found Ranaan Ducote alive and well aboard the Theurgy, though they both knew that wasn’t going to happen this time. Ranaan was in stasis, the only thing that was yet keeping him alive, and there was nothing that could be done for him. Blue wouldn’t find him alive aboard another ship. There was no hope of him walking down the corridor towards her and instantly alleviating her sorrow.

And nothing Cross could do but be here for Blue.

”This may sound callous,” Cross began, his voice low and gentle, ”but at least you know the situation this time. As painful as it is, as much as it hajari sucks, you don’t have the uncertainty that you did last time.” Cross sighed softly, his grip tightening ever-so-slightly on Blue’s shoulder. ”I can’t speak to how you feel, but if it were me, I think I’d rather know for sure.” Cross let his head tilt forward so that his chin rested atop Blue’s head. It was odd to think that he was so comfortable with this Human that he could make such a gesture, though it simply seemed natural now. ”Haja, I can’t say anything stupid like ”I know how hard this must be for you” or anything, because I never had anyone to lose. But… Cross’ mind momentarily flashed to the disasterous episode in the holodeck, though he quickly pushed it form his mind and relaxed his tightening grip on Blue’s shoulder. Best not to think about that now. ”But I think it’s better that you won’t be left wondering this time. And…” Cross took a deep breath, his eyes turning downward to peer at the top of Blue’s head. ”…it gives you a chance… to say goodbye…”

Kardasi Translation:
Hajari - Fucking
Haja – Fuck

Re: CH02: S [D02|0040] One More Casualty

Reply #11 –
[LCdr Blue Tiran | Odd Phrases | Becoming Human Again | Finding a Pillar]
@Fife




As she mentioned that he was calling the pot and the kettle the same color he seemed to give her a look that boasted he had no fucking idea why anyone would say something like that.  He asked her why humans had such odd fucking phrases, causing her to chuckle and shook her head.  “I don't fucking know.”  she gave a shrug and brushed some more of her curls out of her face trying to get them to listen to her but they never fucking did.

“Wait …. Bob's your uncle?” she asked as she looked over at him with her brows furrowed in confusion.  “I don't fucking know what you're talking about.  I never had a fucking Uncle named Bob, I might be from fucking Texas but come on... next you'll be asking if I have a fucking cow in my fucking backyard growing up.” she grinned a bit.

When she finished talking about how Ducote had changed her life, he was quiet for a little bit.  But then, he began to talk and tell her that this time she was lucky.  It was better this time, there was nothing that could be done for Ranaan and she knew that.  Her last hope was the Savi, but even then, she knew that it was such a small amount of hope.  However, she would never forgive herself if she didn't at least try to see if they could do something before she followed his orders to pull the plug when he was unable to survive. 

As Cross fell silent, Blue leaned her head back so that it rested on his shoulder but her eyes cast upwards towards the dark ceiling as she tried to think about what to say.  He was right, she was glad that she knew the full story and situation this time.  There was no wondering, no waiting, no fears, there was knowledge and she was already grieving in her own ways.  She knew that it wouldn't be easy, and it wouldn't be overly short, but she also knew that she was already struggling with it.

If it wasn't for Cross, she would be falling apart in such a larger way.

“Sorry about your place.” she said, thinking back to the carnage that she had wrought on his place when she was here alone.  Course, she hadn't done nearly the damage that she could have, and she had been careful not to actually destroy anything but instead just to take out her anger and there for all his furniture was over and crashed to the floor close to where it had been.  For a moment she sat there leaning against her best friend in the world, the second ever person that understood her, that saw her for more than she put out there, the second person that didn't get upset or think she was fucked up every time she got pissed off, understood her love for twinkies and many other things.

“Come on I'll help you fix this shit.” she said.

Working her way up off the bed, she shrugged the blanket off of her body and put it carefully on the corner of the bed, her shoulders were slumped slightly, but she was upright.  She needed more sleep, and truthfully, she probably needed sleep, food, and care but there was a limit to how much time she could separate herself from Engineering.  Stepping into the main room the lights came on fully now that the computer realized that everyone was awake and moving.  She began to work on righting the table she had flipped first when she had come into his Quarters.

“I know that we signed up for this bull shit.” she said to Cross as she replaced the things that had once been on his table.  “But, you would think that there would be a bit less fucking death.  We're the fucking Federation.  I'm so tired of this fucking torture.  Some days, I wonder, should I just fucking leave?  I could engineer back on Earth?  I could fucking do shit there, I don't have to be up fucking here.. I could.. I don't know.. do something else.” she said.

Though they both knew she was full of shit.  If Blue was going to bounce she would have done it a long time ago or when Ives gave them the option when first coming on board. 

“I need a fucking vacation.” she mumbled.

Re: CH02: S [D02|0040] One More Casualty

Reply #12 –
[ Lt. Cmdr. Cross | Personal Quarters | Deck 07 | Vector 01 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @BZ

”Sorry about your place.”

Blue’s words, spoken in the dark as her head rested on his shoulder, almost made the Vulcan laugh. Cross’ quarters were fairly spartan, and what few things Cross possessed which he had any sentiment over were intact. Blue had simply burned off energy swiping PADDs and various clutter off his table, throwing about cushions and the like. The only things Cross might have been upset about were his plants, and they still sat safely on their shelves. ”Don’t apologize, you didn’t damage anything that I’d be worried about.” Cross reassured her with a chuckle. ”It’s not like I’ve got much to throw around.” Cross’ head turned, taking in the vagueness that was Blue’s mess in the darkness. ”You did manage to make quite the mess, despite that.” The last was spoken as an entertained musing rather than anything resembling a reprimand, the former hybrid far more concerned with the emotional damage Blue was suffering rather than anything within his quarters.

”Come on, I’ll help you fix this shit.”

Cross remained sitting as Blue slowly rose, shrugging off the blanket and placing it on the corner of his bed. He remained sitting for a moment, eyeing Blue. He had said he wouldn’t pity her, and he wouldn’t have even had she not made him promise. But he was worried about her. She stood upright, though with shoulders slumped, face puffy with fatigue and crying, and moving in a manner that was distinctly different from her usual self. Al last, Cross rose as well, joining in the cleaning efforts. Blue began to speak as they righted the various items Blue had strewn about in her rampage, commenting on the amount of death they had seen since joining the Theurgy, and wondering if she should just leave. She could work on Earth, though her words became less certain, less continuous as she continued. Cross could understand where she was coming from, though he also knew that if she were going to leave, she would have left back when they had arrived at Aldea.

Had she left then the Theurgy at Aldea, doubtless Ducote would have gone with her. It might have been better, the two of them heading off to make a life for themselves elsewhere in the galaxy. Ducote would still be alive, Blue wouldn’t be in the state she was in at present, and Blue wouldn’t be heading into yet another conflict with the rest of them. The two might have been happy, Cross mused, settling down on some lesser known planet. The Vulcan smiled as he tidied his quarters, the image of Blue terrorizing the inhabitants of some colony or other running through his head, or the idea of her running a salvage yard and building a small army of obnoxious metal owls.

One Albert was more than enough, in Cross’ opinion.

"I need a fucking vacation.”

Cross looked up as Blue mumbled the words, his pale eyes following her movements for a moment. Listless. That was the word Cross would put to her current movements. They lacked the usual purpose and drive with which Blue did almost everything.

”it is illogical to desire a vacation when one has just finished an extended period of R&R on Aldea.” Cross intoned, his voice altered to sound comical and ridiculous as he attempted to mimic the Vulcan manner of speech. He almost pulled it off, except without having an actual stick up his ass it was impossible for him to properly capture the stuffy and irritating manner of proper Vulcans. Cross chuckled, his voice returning to normal as he continued. ”I don’t know about a real vacation, but we could head to the holodeck later. It’ll probably the closest we’ll hajari get for a while.” Cross grinned at Blue. ”You know, after we deal with the idiot hajari Klingons and try not to get our asses sucked inside out by some hajari parasite or turned into a smoothie by some bulbous headed bastards.” Cross leaned forward and scooped a small pillow off the floor, then swatted the back of Blue’s head with it before tossing it down in its usual place on the couch.

”There, good as new.” Cross proclaimed, his quarters back to their usual barren, unadorned state. Then, placing his hands on Blue’s shoulders, he continued. ”Now, get the haja back in that bed. You look like hell.” Cross’ eyes narrowed as he stared Blue down, pale blue eyes meeting pale blue eyes. ”I know if you leave you’ll just try to hajari work to take your mind off things, and I’m not going to let you work yourself to death, Blue. I’ll hajari neck pinch you if I hajari have to, but you’re going to get some more sleep.”

Kardasi Translation:
Hajari - Fucking
Haja - Fuck

Re: CH02: S [D02|0040] One More Casualty

Reply #13 –
[LCdr Blue Tiran | Nap  Time | Best Friends | Another Day | Caring for One Another]
@Fife




She wanted out.

She wanted off.

She needed release.

What Blue fucking wanted was to walk off into the fucking sunset and never look the fuck back.  But, that was just today, and not every day.  Today was shit, would be shit, and would go down in history as the worst day of her life.  Losing Arthur was tied for the known fact of losing Ducote.  As much as she wished that there was hope, there was no fucking hope, and every fucking person down in sickbay fucking knew it, and so did Blue.  She didn't need a fucking medical degree to fucking know the truth.  She could see it in the faces of those around her and feel it in the atmosphere every time she stepped into the room where Ducote's stasis pod stood.

She just didn't want any more fucking pitiful stares.

Poor Blue, Poor Tiran, Poor Woman.. he's the only one who-

Cross spoke and her head shot up where she was tossing his throw pillow back on the couch with a vengeance which probably gave it its name.  He told her that it was illogical to expect some time off when they had just left an extended leave on Aldea.  “I didn't fucking ask you for logic you Vulcan mother fucker...” she said with a bit of a hiss to her tone though it lacked any true bite, she just knew that he was being Cross and it was likely meant at least partially in jest because of how comfortable they were with one another.

He amended that while he couldn't probably work in an actual vacation he could probably work in a visit to a holodeck in the near future.  Blue paused as she fiddled with a small blanket that he kept folded just so over the arm of the couch for the inevitable naps of Blue Tiran when she stilled long enough and came to visit.  It was furry, her favorite texture, and that coupled with watching a movie on his elongated couch was a recipe for naptime.  Come to think of it she didn't think she had yet to actually finish watching a movie they started.  She usually woke up when Cross turned the lights on and the screen off. 

Shame.

“Well that has to be fucking better than nothing.. I'm game.” she stated putting her favorite blanket down on the arm of the couch where it went, the blue fur was everything, and unique.  Ducote de-replicated her furry favorites, almost as fast as she could replicate them to begin with.  But the war on fur was one of her favorite things about their relationship, a quiet daily battle, it was endearing.  She was lost in her own thoughts when she felt a soft thud on the back of her head.  She twisted quickly, a whirl of messy black curls slapped him in the face as she gave him an icy glare that dared him to slap her with his pillow again.

Finally, the Quarters was back to rights, and she sighed softly looking at the door.  Back to life, back to work, back to keeping mother fuckers doing their mother fucking job and back to babysitting.  It was the job, and she did it well, but she was tired.  The kind of tired that wasn't about sleep, it was about the weight of life.

He told her to get the fuck back in bed.  She turned to look at him, her blue eyes were widened as she had fully intended to go after her small nap but it seemed he wasn't having any of it.  “I was g-” He didn't take her answer, didn't even listen, told her that if he had to Vulcan neck pinch her to make sure that she got some sleep.  Giving a bit of a grin she gave a nod and let him lead her back towards the bedroom where they had been previously before her dreams had woken her. 

She climbed up in the bed as she had before, but she had snatched the blanket from the couch that she loved from earlier.  Covering herself with it, her eyes looked up at Cross in the half light but she reached out and grabbed his hand.  “Lay with me?” she asked softly, an odd moment of vulnerability crossed her features as she asked for this.  She was so tired, but so accustomed to having someone beside her.  Cross seemed to study her face for a moment and then he climbed up beside her.  She pulled the blue fur blanket up around her like a blue burrito and she snuggled against his side. Trying not to make him uncomfortable, but enough she could feel his presence and the heat from his body. 

“I'm glad I have you.” she admitted softly, her eyes closed now, and her breathing began to slip deep and then slowly she fell asleep against him.

-FIN-
 
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