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USS Theurgy: The Start of Life

WHAT IF ENSIGN SEL BECAME PREGNANT WITH SARRESH MORALI'S CHILD?

[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5 | USS Theurgy]  Attn: @Brutus
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The readout on the detector was clear, and yet Sel could not accept it to be true. She had run the test 5 times, 3 with urine and 2 with blood, all with fresh samples. And all had given the exact same results. She had stared at the detector and willed it to change. She had begged and pleaded, silently, for it to change. But of course, it had not. No she had made some mistake somewhere along the way and the results were clear.

She set the detector and the sample collectors in the replicator and hit the recycle button. In a flicker of light she watched as the display, with it’s clear and unmistakable diagnosis, disappear.

She then considered going to sickbay, to have them confirm it. To have them tell her what the detector said was wrong, but she knew that would not be the case. Somewhere deep inside she knew the detector was right. It was seldom wrong. And it was not like she had been very careful. In fact she had not told anyone to be careful with her. She had treated it like a thing that could not happen, though of course it now had.

Of all things she’d thought the Cardies would have taken from her, that was one of them. But as if some cruel twist of fate she was left with it. She only guessed if her purpose as a slave had been changed she would have been modified by some twisted and cruel Spoonhead scientist. She figured they’d have done that to her mother if they had known she was screwing around. Not that it would make any difference. And in the end it only gave them one more slave, one more Bajoran to crush under their heel.

Sel sighed and paced her quarters. She could not escape the feeling she had to tell the one person she felt in her gut to tell. She needed him to know. She needed him to care for her, even if she hated the idea, she knew enough about her own biology to know what was going to happen to her and she dreaded it more than anything she had dreaded before.

She swallowed hard and tapped her combadge. “Sel to Sarresh, I need to talk with you if you have a minute,” she said doing her best to sound calm.

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #1 –
[ Lt (jg) Sarresh Morali | Science Labs | Deck 7 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe 
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As was almost always the case, Sarresh was pulling a double shift, buried deep inside the confines of the main science labs of the USS Theurgy. Ringed all around him were physical and holographic displays, painstakingly recreated from snippets of memories that appeared in random flashes in the back of his mind. As with anything from his past life, those brief insights both inspired him, and reminded him of all that he had lost. Haunting and awful in both senses of the word.

Right now the latest insight had him on his back, under a console with wires hanging all around him. His too human face was scrunched up in frustration, a sensor probe sticking out of his mouth, as hands that still seemed to posses an alien dexterity not native to their construction wormed around, swapping out connections and rerouting ODN lines to a new set of specially programmed bio-neural gel packs. He didn't even remember what he had coded into the packs, just that he had, and they would improve his temporal tracking algorithm by an estimated 27.629%.

"Almost....there..." he spoke around the probe, tasting the hard plastics of its casing. Before his transformation he would have been able to contort himself in to a position much more conducive to his task. Cartilage was more flexible than dense bone, and his joints had worked slightly differently. But like everything else about him, his Ash'reem nature had been all but stripped away by the re-sequencing that had saved his life, after he lost the last thing he cared about in his new life.

Well...before Sel, he amended. One bright spot in a dim galaxy, the Bajoran security officer had filled a void that Sarresh thought would be an empty hole for what was left of his miserable life. And just as he clicked the bio-gel pack into place, he heard his badge chirp, and sure enough, it was her voice.

"Sel to Sarresh," he heard. Not Ens. Ruyan to Lt. Morali. Personal call, not business he thought, all in the scant pause between that simple greeting, and the rest of her message, short as it was. "I need to talk with you if you have a minute." There was something off about her tone that put Sarresh on edge. Normally, he would have told her - or anyone - to wait while he finished his work. Instead, he pushed him self out from under the console and sat up on the floor, tapping his badge with the too pink fingers of his human hand.

"Sarresh here," he acknowledged, opening a two way channel now. If anyone else had been calling he would have sounded surly. With her, he repressed that urge. He even managed to sound concerned (it was genuine, he was just unaccustomed to feeling it). "I'm free now," a technicality. He was working, but it was a second shift and he hadn't actually been assigned to do so. He could leave - the lab would be sealed and under special temporal prime directive protocol, only he or Ives could open it. "All yours," he added, elaborating, "I can meet you whenever you'd like." He was suddenly eager to be somewhere - anywhere - with her, than sitting in this lab.

EDIT: fixed a ton of typo's that my phone was refusing to show when I used it to post earlier.

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #2 –
[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5 | USS Theurgy]  Attn: @Brutus
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The sound of his voice cut into her like a knife and instantly a plethora of emotion flooded through her mind, running the gambit from terror to shame. She had no clue how he would react. They had, so far, just been having fun. Or at least that was what she kept telling herself. Sure things had started out one way, but it wasn’t like it was that deep or special. She had told herself that at the very beginning and she had never contradicted it before.

But this would change all of that, wouldn’t it?

She took a breath and tried to steady herself, tried to push all of the emotion aside and sound natural when she spoke. “Would you mind meeting me in my quarters?” she asked, hoping her voice did not betray to much of her inner turmoil, the frothing sea of her panic and fear.

“Or... I could come to you?” she quickly added, an anxiety shrieking through her mind.

She felt an utter mess. The news on the detector had her mind reeling, and she felt as if she wanted to scream, or cry, or even punch something. Quite likely all three.

Not that it would do any good. What was growing inside her was already growing and it wasn’t like her freaking out would change that. And it wasn’t like it was anything but natural. It had happened to millions upon millions of Bajoran women throughout history, it happened to her. She had just never expected it to happen to her, she had never put a heck of a lot of thought into that.

She life up to that point had been a live fast and free kind of lifestyle. But this would change a lot of that. This would change almost everything.

Pregnancy was like that.

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #3 –
[ Lt (jg) Sarresh Morali | Science Labs | Deck 7 | USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe 
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Confusion swept across Sarresh's face, causing his brow to furrow a bit. Sel usually didnt waver back and forth. She said what she wanted and left it at that. It was refreshing, frankly. Something he admired about her. Then again, he knew he admired a lot about the woman, and not just the great sex. Which was, really, great. Not a conventional start to whatever it was they had, but they;d run with it, and he'd been enjoying himself.

He had tried not to read too much into the fact that she was the only person he really enjoyed spending any for of time with at all. Even if it wasnt tumbling about between the sheets....or against a wall...a table. There had been a lot of sex, but there had been the occasional quite coversation too.  He knew that probably mattered more to him than to her. But it had given him a bit of insight into her, int Ryuan Sel.

And that insight had him raising his eyebrows now.

"I've been doing some off duty tinkering in my labs," Sarresh informed her. She would understand that he couldn't have her come down here. He actually wanted to show her what he did, give her an inkling as to how his job worked, toshow that he did actually have some skills in life. But the Temporal Prime Directive forbode it. In short, she didnt have the clearance to see the room. Sarresh was frustrated by a lot of things, and that was another on the list. It irked him more than he felt it should  "And your place is closer than mine from here. So I'd be happy to come to you. I can be there in a few minutes?"

He was already packing up his tools as he spoke, tugging his uniform jacket back into place and zipping the collar up. Hands slicked his too dry hair back into place, matting down a few stray tufts. Usually he didn't give a damn.

There was nothing 'usual' about Sel though. And even before she gave him a solid reply, he was already leaving the lab. He could always change course midway if she asked him to.

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #4 –
[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5 | USS Theurgy]  Attn: @Brutus
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Ah, the labs. Or at least Sarresh's lab. Sel had often wondered what sort of equipment he had in there, but she knew better than to ask, knew better than to put him in a compromising situation. There were rules and she was bound to follow them, the same as everyone else on the ship was, perhaps even more so as she was one of the people expected to uphold those rules.

"That sounds great," she said with a breath of relief. "I'll see you knew you get here, Sel out." She tapped her combadge and closed the channel.

She knew that when he arrived things would be tense, she had no clue how he would react. She didn't even know how she was supposed to react. She had half a mind to go down to sickbay and tell them to take the damned thing out of her and never speak of it to anyone, let alone tell Sarresh what had happened.

But she could not do that to him. She wasn't even sure she could do that to herself. It wasn't her style to hesitate about anything, and yet she had no clue what she should do, let alone what she wanted to do.

She paced about her quarters. wishing she had something to distract herself with, something to occupy her mind. She had always been impatient, but it was worse today. Today she was not only impatient, she was terrified. She didn't know what to expect from Sarresh. They had never even spoken of children. They'd had some great sex and some good conversations, but none of that had been in the aim of anything about children.

She suddenly stopped and looked down. After she had tapped the combadge her hand had fallen to cover her lower abdomen, just above where her womb would be. She could not help but see the position as defensive, as if her body had moved to protect something of value.

She moved her hand. She was not going to attach herself to the thing inside her. She couldn't. She didn't want to be a mother. She had never wanted to be a mother.

She was pacing again, walking in a circle around her quarters, her ruminations taking up all of her thought processes once more.

Motherhood was too much for her. War was easy, motherhood was not.

And yet...

And yet she could not deny that some part of her wanted it. She wanted to be needed. She wanted to love something and care for it in only the way a mother could love and care for their child. She wanted that. And it terrified her.

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #5 –
[ Lt (jg) Sarresh Morali | In-Transit | Deck 7 - 5| USS Theurgy ] Attn:
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Sel had at least confirmed the plan. That was good. That worked well, or so Sarresh told himself.He wouldn't have to double back and head down to say, Below Decks, or over to the Spearhead Lounge. They'd been to the former once, for dinner, he remembered. He also remembered that it ended back in his quarters, and that they'd nearly been caught in the turbolift. Usually that kind of memory would bring a smile to his face. He did cherish them, after all, considering this misbegotten time stream had given him so little to hold dear.

But not this time.

"Deck Five, rear," he instructed the turbolift. He felt - nothing. The only indication of movement in the tube was the lights flashing in the panels of the side of the car. They went from flashing up and down, to right to left, which told Sarresh that he'd already made it to Deck 5 and was looping around to the rear of the Vector, near the crew quarters. He was obsessing over the little details so that he wouldn't over think and analyze the uncharacteristically subdued, short conversation that he'd had with the passionate Bajoran. Something about it had set him off, and it was bothering him that he couldn't nail down what, or why.

Slender, dexterous fingers drummed against his thighs as he waited. Theurgy was a massive ship, compared to most of the rest of the fleet. Or what very little he remembered about his stay on the Relativity. Not for the first time, he wondered if he'd seen the developments his life would take, while serving on that ship, and made the choice to come back here anyway. Had there been a bright spot, some hope worth treasuring that he had divined and grasped on to? Or did he really discard it all for a sense of duty? As the turbolift stopped and the doors parted a short walk away from the quarters assigned to the Mistress-at-arms, Sarresh decided, yet again, that he'd never really know.

So he had to live in the moment he was in. And that meant...figuring out what was going on. There was her door, on the left. Without missing a beat, he reached out to trigger the sensor that would notify her someone was there. Maybe it was the anxiety that had built the entire trip over (short as it was it had seemed to take a life time), a jittery twitch of the hand at the wrong moment, or perhaps faulty wiring. Regardless of why, when his fingers reached out and tapped the door pad, he triggered the open button, instead of the 'bell'. And more surprisingly, it actually slid right open. 

Figure it out later, he told himself as he strode into the familiar setting of her quarters. His head was on a swivel as he called out, "Sel? I came up as fast as I could..." before locking his eyes onto her, standing there off to the side looking like the world had dropped out from under her feet. Or so he thought. If he was being charitable he might admit that his own anxiety, that lingering fear that something was wrong might be coloring his perception.

After all, ever since he'd come back to the 2380s, almost everything had gone wrong. The Universe had taught him well to expect the worse.

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #6 –
[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5 | USS Theurgy]  Attn: @Brutus
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Seconds passed and Sel waited. She did not normally allow herself to be as impatient as she was in that moment, but she could not help herself. She could not control her anxiety, her dread. She could not help but think about how little she really knew about Sarresh or how little she knew about how he felt about certain topics. They had never discussed so many things, let alone the thought of children. Even if it had ever been brought up in passing, she could not recall if it had, she was pretty sure she had not really talked about. Not openly, not really. Not in the sense of it really happening.

She paced her quarters and ran her fingers through her long blonde hair, over the spot she had not gotten around the shaving in some time, and back to the base of her skull. She felt like she wanted to scream, but she held it in. She held herself together.

When the door opened and she saw him she felt as if the world stretched out around her, as if the floor beneath her dropped away and left her floating in space, small and afraid. She could not hold herself together then and she rushed toward him, throwing her arms around him and burying her face in his chest. The tears came unbidden and she wept silently.

"I'm sorry..." she wept, unsure what else to say. "I... I... We're..." She could not put the words together. They clung to the inside of her throat, unable to come out. She knew then she had to tell him, but she could not do it. She could not say the words.

She took a breath and looked up at him, the tears still leaking from her eyes. She took a breath and wiped her eyes. Then leaned forward to press her cheek against his shoulder, knowing she could not look him in the eye and say it. She took a shaky breath and then forced the words out with a great effort. "Sarresh... I'm... I'm pregnent.." she breathed at last.

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #7 –
[ Lt (jg) Sarresh Morali | Sel's Quarters | Deck  5| USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe 
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Ever since that fateful moment during the mutiny, Sarresh had seen sides of Sel that he wagered few others on the ship had. True, he'd never asked, never pried about past relationships or partners the Bajoran Security Officer may have had. That wasn't his business, and he figured she'd tell him if it mattered to her. Either way, he assumed he was one of a privileged few that had, for instance, an intimate knowledge of all the ridges on the woman's body. And knew just what she looked like when he helped her reach a certain peek.

Ryuan Sel was crying. Sarresh had never, not once, seen Sel like this, and on some level it scared him. Angry, yes, he'd seen her angry, livid even. He'd witnessed her ranting after work, as he would sit, one leg crossed over the other, fingers laced together as his hands rested atop his knee, listening patiently. He had seen her wit, seen her smile and relax. Witnessed her the fiery passion that came out in the heat of the moment, when her body was wrapped around his.

But never crying. Not a single tear.

To his credit, Sarresh didn't even take a step back as she impacted into his chest. Although he was caught completely off guard, his arms came up and around her without a moments hesitation. As if this were the most natural thing in the world, and of course he would be hugging her and offering her comfort. He'd shed plenty of tears, all of them alone, without arms to hold him. Some hind-brain part of him refused to allow Sel to suffer the same.

He'd analyze it later, probably (or more likely not at all).

"It's okay," he muttered as she seemed to struggle to find words, though of course it wasn't okay. If everything were okay, Sel would not be crying. Anything that left her in tears was a very not okay thing at all. She was looking up at him leaving Sarresh in the awkward place of trying to give her a reassuring smile. His lips quivered a bit and the thought he managed it, but he was not a man that smiled often. Maybe he had been, before, on the Relativity but that was not the man that served on the Theurgy. Thankfully she sucked in a breath and tucked herself in tight against him again, burying her face in his shoulder.

And just as he started to reach up, to try running his hand over her head, smoothing her hair, she dropped the mother of all bombs on him.

"Sarresh... I'm... I'm pregnant.."

For a moment, Sarresh thought he had heard her wrong. It simply could not be that she had said what he thought. He blinked, hand hovering in the air, as his mind processed. It would be very, very easy to confirm what she said, given the eyes he'd been gifted with. Or so he assumed. He'd not had a chance to test that particular ability of the ocular implants. Nor had he ever though to do so, till right then. Of course, there was little point in asking her if she were sure. Clearly, she would not be this distraught.

Of course, just how she had come to be pregnant was beyond his ability to put together. He'd thought that it would be impossible. It wasn't his fertile cycle and ...his train of thought died off as he reminded himself he was no longer Ash'reem. He had, in fact, in those first few days, thought himself infertile. After having his genetic code rewritten there was no way that he would be able to....but apparently...

All of this flashed through his mind in a blink of his electronic eyes. He shut them tight, and slowly brought his hand down atop Sel's head, smoothing her hair back, and petting. Sarresh made a little noise in the back of his throat, words lodging, unspoken, as he squeezed her to him tighter.

"You're pregnant," he said quietly, repeating the words. His tone was awestruck, confused, surprised. Worried? Maybe a bit. For all sorts of reasons. "I....I'll admit. I didn't think I could...we could....damn. Words. Words are hard." He sounded like a fool. He was a fool. And yet he kept stroking her hair, holding her close. Never mind that his heart was now racing, beating so fast that he thought it might burst out of his chest. He did not at all desire to le go of her. "Oh, wow..."

Sel's pregnant. Dear gods, I got her pregnant. Of all the irony... It never crossed his mind to even ask if he were the father.

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #8 –
[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5 | USS Theurgy]  Attn: @Brutus
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Though the moment had not lasted longer than a couple of breaths, it had dragged on for what felt like hours as she waited for him to say something, anything. She waited for him to pull away, for him to push her aside. She had seen it, as a child. She knew how getting pregnant made things change. She had seen men turn from lovers into abusers in the blink of an eye. Or maybe they had always been abusers. She had not known then and she had done her best to never find out. Yet there she was, afraid of him, afraid of being pushed away from him, even if he had never done anything like that before.

And when he spoke she could barely hear him over the fear coursing through her. He did not push her away all the same. He held her close and she clung tightly to him and he stroked her hair, holding her face against his well-toned shoulder. The tears did not stop, the slide from her eyes and burned her cheeks. Her throat felt tight and painful. She felt an open sob building deep inside, but she restrained it, kept it to just the steady stream of tears flooding down her face and into the fabric of his uniform.

She tried to just breath. To focus on her breathing and calm herself. She had been through training to settle her emotions when she needed to do so, that part of combat training had been brutal but necessary, there was no time for emotional breakdowns on the battlefield. And yet she had forced herself to stay at war so long, to hold herself together, that this broke her. She could not control herself, she could not calm her feelings, stop the flow of tears. The feeling of fear, of terror, and anxiety was too much to fight off. She had faced death before, but this was something very different. This was facing life and it was infinitely more terrifying to her.

"I'm scared, Sarresh," she breathed, her voice cracking with layers of emotion. "I didn't... I wasn't..."

Anything else she was going to say got lost in her throat as it tightened and she buried herself in his shoulder again. She wanted to disappear into him, to make the world around them disappear.

For the first time in many many years, she felt her heart yearn for her home, for Bajor. She wanted to escape and run there, to find those who would care for her. All she would need to do is walk with her earring and they would find her, they would tend to her. She would be safe.

But she could not, she could never leave Sarresh, and she could not ask him to run away with her, to hide in the darkness of her homeworld and hope the monsters never found them.

Even more than her vow to Starfleet, her unspoken vow to him held her there.

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #9 –
[ Lt (jg) Sarresh Morali | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5| USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe 
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What does it say about me that there is a small part of me that is pleased that Sel is willing to turn to me in a moment like this? Sarres asked himself. That he now had this kind of contact with someone - perhaps the first time since coming to this timeline. There had been Amikris, of course, one of his own species. There had been a bond between them but memories of her were muted  and had been, ever since he'd been transformed.

And the bond he now assumed existed between he and Sel was deeper, wasn't it? A life - possibly - was now shared. A child. Sel was pregnant, and the implication was that he was the father. A father.

Long, slender fingers tangled themselves in Sel's hair, twinning and holding, brushing and comforting. His other hand seemed to latch onto the back of her uniform jacket as the sheer enomrity of what was going on hit him. He had to stay strong, because she was scared, but so help him so was he. There was no way this should be possible. Ash'reem cannot - oh stop, you're not that anymore.

In a voice that was heavy, almost a croak, Sarresh spoke, his lips near her ear as he held her. "I never thought I could be a father," he told her softly. "It’s...extremely hard for the species I was. And after everything that I'd become, I never imagined I was...viable. Its frightening," he confessed. Was he scared? Yes. yes he was. He'd be even more terrified later, when he had time to think. Think about the threats. The mission. His Mission, his reasons for coming back in time. For losing everything that he was, becoming this bitter shell of a man. What kind of Father would that make him?

What about the thrice Damned cult that saw him as some God? How would that impact things?

All the same..there was now, slowly, a sense of anticipation. Of ...eagerness? A shadow of a biological imperative that the resequencing could not stamp out. The drive to procreate that infused every action an Ash'reem took, to keep the species alive. Save now he was not that species, the memory of the drive surfaced, and he had to repress the sudden urge to let out a shrill trilling undilation, announced to all that could hear that he had successfully bred a mate, and that his line would continue and contribute to the whole, for another generation.

For one, he doubted Sel would appreciate the implications - they were rather sexist by modern Federation Standards, and he harbored little doubt that the fiery Bajoran woman would not take kindly to them. She was, in fact, far too independent, and he liked her that way. And besides, he no longer possessed vocal cords capable of forming the claim of possession and breeding. It would, at best, be a hollow reflection of tones he'd no longer be able to appreciate.

All the same, his heart beat faster in his chest, and he knew there was little doubt that Sel, pressed in close, would fail to notice. So he kept stroking her hair, trying to reassure her.

 "It's okay to be afraid,” he said quietly, still speaking into her ear, lips almost brushing it. “I don’t know how it is for your species....or for humans. But you aren’t going to be alone. Not unless you want.” Gods i hope she doesn’t want that. I don’t want that...

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #10 –
[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5 | USS Theurgy]  Attn: @Brutus
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She listened to him speak, half from the words that came from his lips, and half from the way they seemed to reverberate inside his chest. She could hear his heart beating, his lungs filling with air before they again emptied. She felt close to him, and yet... And yet she could not escape a fear. A terrible fear that grew inside her as he spoke.

When she had first found out about her condition she had jumped to the most likely candidate, but it was not so simple. She had been with other men, and recent enough that they could be the father as well. And if it was as difficult for his original species to breed, would changing species like he did change that? Was it more likely that father was someone else?

She did not know when she got pregnant, that sort of thing was well beyond the ability of the simple detector she had used. It was only a detector for certain hormones and other key elements. It was not advanced enough to give any real timeframe with which she could have gotten pregnant in.

She took a breath and it trembled. She had to tell him. She had to tell him the truth and she knew that. Even if she kept it from him, the truth would come out and if he was anything like most Bajoran's, it would ruin them, so much that he may even grow to hate her. The truth was better. It had to be.

"I... You..." She began but struggled to find the words. She held fast to him, but not so tight that he could not pull away, at least not once she had said what she had to say. She had a fear that he would. She wanted so badly to tell him that it was his, but she also knew that it was just as likely not. Or maybe it was just as likely his. She didn't understand the biology of it. Biology had never been a strong suit of hers. She was good as fucking and fighting. This was neither.

She forced herself to speak and the words seemed to tumble out of her, almost emotionless. "It might not be yours..." Her voice was soft and she almost wished he hadn't heard her. But she went on. "I was... with someone else... before... but still soon enough... and they... they might be..." She couldn't finish. She didn't want to say it. She couldn't bring herself to.

"I'm sorry..."

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #11 –
[ Lt (jg) Sarresh Morali | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5| USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe 
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The blows seemed to just keep coming for Sarresh Morali. Every thing about this time, this place. This ship of the dammned. Everything good seemed to be tainted in some way, shape, or form. He shut his eyes, tight, and pressed his chin against the top of Sel's head as he took a long, low breath. He needed to be calm. He needed to center himself - not that he had ever been good at that (or so he thought). The last thing Sarresh needed to do right then was get angry over the news that the child growing, even now, in Sel's belly might not be his. Had he not been thinking, minuets before, that he had no idea who Sel may or may not have been with before him. That if it mattered, surely she would have told him by now? That he couldn't have children?

Well, she has slept with someone else. Before you, yes, but they might be the father instead of you. Now wouldn't that be just fucking perfect? He asked himself. Wouldn't that be just like this timeline, to dangle something and then take it away, stabbing you in the kidney's instead. Sarresh had stopped stroking her hair, simply freezing in place as he came to a realization. He wanted that child to be his. He didn't even know it was a possibility when he woke up that morning, and took the quick sonic shower before eating his replicated breakfast and heading to the lab. It had never - or so he'd say - crossed his mind, not that day, or the day before, or any day since he returned to the late 24th century. Sarresh Morali? A father? With someone as spirited and independent as Ryuan Sel? Ludicrous.

If it had, he might have been more careful.

Yet here he was, faced with the very real probability that the baby in Sel was not his. After all, everything that had happened....He wanted that child.

"I - We need to know," he told Sel, softly, as he finally came back to himself. How long had he stood there, stock still? It felt like an eternity, though the reality was hardly a few seconds. Not for the first time, he quietly mused over the humorous tendencies of the relativity of time, and the irony of his job as someone who enforced and corrected aberrations to the time stream.

is my child - possible child - one such aberration?

Sarresh did pull away from Sel, but barely more than a step, as he moved his hands up to her shoulders. There was a second of hestiation, trying to gauge the Bajoran's state, before he squeezed those shoulders. "We need to go see a doctor. To...to find out if this is mine, or someone else's. To make sure the baby is healthy, regardless of whose it is. To make sure you're healthy." Sarresh, right now, you have to put her first. Don't even think about how much you will hate it if this is not your child. Don't think about it. Do. Not. Think. About. It.

"I hope its mine," he blurted out.

Dammit.

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #12 –
[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5 | USS Theurgy]  Attn: @Brutus
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Shame.

Fuck, Sel hated the feeling. She had done everything she could to avoid feeling it. She had made sure everyone knew that she didn't do the whole relationship thing. She fucked around. It was how she did things. She wouldn't commit. She wouldn't settle down. She'd fuck whoever she wanted, however, she felt like doing it, depending on consent, of course.

But this was different.

Fuck, this was a fuckton different.

She had called him here because she was pregnant. She had not gone to sickbay to confirm it. She had not gone to sickbay to check to see who the father was. She had called him. Because it didn't matter to her if it was biologically his or not, in some small way she had given herself to him. She had given her body to him and her heart to him in a way that she had never done for anyone else.

And because of that, she had to tell him that the child inside her, the life she had started with no concern for its future, might not be his. She wanted it to be his. She wanted it to be his because that would be simple. It would be easy to just say that the child inside her was the product of the love she now felt.

But she couldn't say that and be certain of it.

And it fucking hurt.

She held back a sob and her voice trembled. "What... what if it isn't?" she asked, the fear slicing through her voice. She looked up at him, her eyes still filled with hot tears. "I don't want to raise my child with anyone else. I won't. I want it to be yours."

She hung her head in shame, her chest feeling like it was burning, knots tying up her insides. Her shoulders shook as she fought to keep herself under control, as she fought to keep herself from collapsing into fear and pain, holding the tears as far back as she could manage. "I don't want to know. I just want to pretend it is yours. I don't care if it's a lie. I don't need the truth."

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #13 –
[ Lt (jg) Sarresh Morali | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5| USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe 
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While he was now a human, Sarresh had no idea what humans did when it came to raising children. Ash'reem raised children in a communal nature, and when Sarresh thought about children - which was to say, almost never - he imagined it would be in that kind of context. Should he have been lucky enough to procreate. It was expected that when someone had a child, the whole clan would pitch in to care for it. So the idea of raising another mans child didn't bother Sarresh in and of itself.

The problem, however, was the idea of Sel giving birth to someone else's child...there was a deep, sinking feeling in his stomach as he thought about it. He wanted the child to be his. His in every sense. It was a primal urge that, frankly, Sarresh had been unaware that he possessed. There was a life, growing inside Ryuan Sel, a woman he'd been casually - no. No, don't pretend anymore, he chastised himself. It wasn't casual. It started out that way, sure, but not now. In this moment...there was no point in pretending.

And with that revelation, the rest came easy.

"I'm not going anywhere Sel," he told her, in what he hoped was a soothing tone. Sarresh was not good with emotions. He was not good at much of anything, save his actual job. But he was going to be good at this. So help me, he promised himself. He brought his hands up, gently, and placed them against her cheeks. He ran his thumbs under her eyes and rubbed gently, swiping some of the water gathering in her eyes. His heart was pounding in his chest now and it felt like if he said the wrong thing, the deck would open up under him and suck him right out into space.

"I want this," he told her, holding her gaze in his. "I want you. I want your child to be mine. You want the child to be mine. If you don't need a doctor to tell you that then....fine." It wasn't easy to say, but it wasn't easy to see Sel like this, on the verge of an utter break down over something that he could very, very easily take care of. And that mattered more to Sarresh. He sunk down a bit and pressed his lips to her forehead. "We are going to need to see a doctor soon though. I have...literally no idea what it takes to...to help you be healthy. The baby...theres so, so much I don't know and I do not ....I do not want to fuck this up at all."

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #14 –
[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5 | USS Theurgy]  Attn: @Brutus
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From a distance, it was usually easy to mistake Sel for someone who had their life together. She drank heavily, but never showed up to duty drunk. She was promiscuous, but not so much that it caused any problems. Instead, she kept all of her vices, to which she had numerous, contained. She separated her personal and professional lives with ruthless efficiency. She wore a mask of cold detachment from the world, keeping her real fucked up side strictly under wraps. The result was that when she could not control it when her damage showed through, it was more obvious than for most.

And standing there her fucked up side was on full display. She wasn't some functioning alcoholic who enjoyed sex, she was an emotionally fucked up individual who substituted any real connections with anyone with cheap sex. She kept herself in check by never letting anyone see it.

And now she couldn't hide it.

She couldn't keep her mask of cold detachment in place, she couldn't hide the fact that she never really grew out of being the scared girl who grew up a slave.

"I..." she began, but her throat was to tight to say anything. The tears welled in her eyes and burned down her cheeks, leaving her eyes and cheeks reddened. She felt like her insides were tied up into a million knots. She forced the words out, she had too. Her voice cracked and showed her emotion, but through nothing but pure stubborn will, she made herself talk. "I don't... know... I... I didn't... I... I never..."

She could barely fit a sentence together and she was pretty sure even if she could, it wouldn't make any sense. She could only hope that what little she could make herself say made some sense.

She took a deep breath and tried to focus, tried to figure out what she needed to say, to figure out how to force herself to say it. She forced her emotions down. She couldn't deal with them right now, there was way too fucking much. She had to put a lid on it, at least for now, at least long enough to figure this shit out.

"I never had a family... I don't know how to... " she said weakly and fell forward to press her face into his chest again. "It's already fucked up, Sarresh. I should have been careful. I'm sorry..."

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #15 –
[ Lt (jg) Sarresh Morali | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5| USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe 
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Ryuan Sel was crying in his arms. It almost felt that this was the bigger shock of the day. Not the news that Sarresh may (or may not) be a father. No, it was that a strong, determined woman like Sel could in fact have such a reaction. Could allow herself to be vulnerable with anyone, let alone him. Could let her feelings bleed through - burst through, truthfully - in such a fashion that the former Ash'reem could feel his jacket getting wet from her tears. What kind of parallel timestream have i fallen into now? Sarresh asked himself, but immediately dismissed the notion.

He would know if something like that had happened. If the timeline had forked. He had that innate sense of reality, just as he would be able to know the exact day of the week an event fell on if given the date (his mother had been born on a Thursday, for instance).

No, this was reality. It was not some strange twist, and that meant he, Sarresh, had to deal with this. Sel's emotions. Her child...

"Our child," Sarresh began quietly, almost in awe of the words, "Is not something - someone to apologize for. They weren't planned, but neither of us took precautions, Sel. If there is blame - and truthfully, i'm not sure there is - it is not on you alone to bear."  When the hell did I get so wordy? he quietly asked himself, shaking his head a bit and stepping away just enough to cup the Bajoran's face and tilt it up to look at him, in the eyes.  He bit his lip for a moment and then brushed his thumbs under her reddened gaze, wiping the tears.

"I promise. I'm not going anywhere. Except with you, to sickbay, where we are going to get you a checkup. Because..." he stopped, and then, thinking 'in for a penny, in for a pound' "Because you mean far too much to me, and have meant...everything, even before you told me this, and I will be damned if you think you're going through this alone." He was going to support her, if she’d let him. what surprised him more was that he wanted  - no, almost needed to do just that. Care for her. For their child. This baby was his, he decided, emotions churning about from fear, to wonder, to intense desire, again and again.

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #16 –
[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5 | USS Theurgy]  Attn: @Brutus
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She was not sure what to say for a long moment. She gazed into his eyes and saw the love in them and felt small within them. She did not allow herself to feel so fragile often. She was a strong and proud Bajoran woman and she would not crumble under stress, she never had and she thought she never would.

Yet this felt totally different. This felt like the weight of the world was pressing down on her heart, crushing it into her chest.

"Okay..." she breathed at last. "Just... Just let me get some stuff." She took his hand on her cheek in her own hand and held it for a moment, her fingers wrapping themselves around his. She was trying to be strong, to hold on to the last shred of her pride. Even though he had seen her broken and exposed she felt as if she had never been seen by anyone like this. She could not be.

She broke away from him and went to the bathroom to grab a tissue and wipe her face. She avoided the gaze of the woman in the mirror. She knew she looked a total mess, she did not want to see herself looking so desperately fucked up.

She quickly wiped away the smeared makeup that remained on her face, only glancing in the mirror to be sure it was gone. She saw a scared woman looking back at her and tidied up the smeared makeup on the woman's face, on her face.

She fixed her uniform and straightened herself put, adjusting her hair, letting it fall over the spot that had once been shaved but was now just beginning to grow back. She could not recall how long it had been since she had done any self-maintenance, any real maintenance like shaving or plucking stray hairs. The stress and fear of her current situation had taken over her life.

She sighed and stared into the mirror.

"I'm gonna take a shower," she said at last. And then glancing out at Sarresh added as she undid her uniform jacket, taking it off, and tossed it onto the floor just outside the bathroom, "join me?"

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #17 –
[ Lt (jg) Sarresh Morali | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5| USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe 
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It seemed like ages passed as Sel hung there, silently staring back up at him. Although Sarresh was acutely aware of each second, and just how long it was. For once, that did nothing to change his perception of how time felt, agonizingly slow. Only when she lay her hand over top of his, and squeezed, hard, like it was a life line (or so he thought) did Sarresh allow himself to feel a modicum of relief, even before she gave him that key verbal agreement.

Though he had no powers of telepathy (and thank the gods for that), Sarresh had a good sense of what Sel was projecting. He knew she was a prideful woman. Hell, even when ire was directed at him because of her pride, he liked that about her. That she had been so very vulnerable around him had to eat at her, so he wouldn't say anything about it. Even if he would think that, perhaps, just perhaps, he loved her all the more because she had allowed him to see her that way.

"All right," he told her ,squeezing her hand and letting his fingers trail the underside of her jaw as she pulled back from him to get her self sorted. He would pretend he didn't see the trail of tears marked vividly on flushed skin, in the form of makeup tracks reaching down to her chin. Those fingertips curled into the palm of his hand as he let her walk away, and watched her, looking at her, as if trying to see some kind of sign, of a change. Of the child she carried.

In truth, he could have very easily seen it if he gave it a small effort. His eyes, he belatedly remembered, as she left view into the 'fresher. They were designed, in addition to giving him sight, to display medical information. It would hardly take a moment...and maybe he would allow himself that. Maybe, just maybe. In the interest of the child. It would allow him, as no other parent might, to monitor the status, the health. He'd have to talk to her about that.

Sarresh started to cross his arms as he waited and pondered, but stopped himself. He didn't want to look confrontational. Or impatient. Gods this is hard...this walking...walking on...eggshells? Yes, that was the phrase. Eggshells. He couldn't let Sel see him hesitating and over thinking things. Instead he draped his left arm over his stomach, and rested his elbow of the right arm in the left hand, while his own scratched at his chin.

How do we go about getting quarters together? Would she want that? Does one get new replicator rations to replicate a cradle, or are those stored somewhere on the ship? Does she want a cradle? Is it too early to think about one? He was so lost in thought that the sound of her voice broke him out of it with a start.

In all the different ways he had imagined the next few minutes going, this wasn't it. He could easily see her wanting to take a shower. Sure. That made sense. A stop gap measure, give her more time to get collected before having to face a nurse or doctor. To put herself together. That he understood.

It was just that Sarresh had not expected to be invited in. His eyebrows show up high on his forehead and his mouth opened a bit. And then curled into a smile. Not a lecherous one, but a warm, pleased one. Despite being mostly human these days, Sarresh still felt like an amphibious creature. A chance at water was always welcome. With Sel, all the more so. Especially after everything that had just happened. Simply holding her, under the spray would be...would be much needed relief.

"Yes," He called back clearly to Sel, as he bent down, there in the middle of her room and freed himself of his boots. He fumbled about with the cumbersome things, nearly falling flat on his face in his rushed attempts. Before his transformation, he had roamed the ship barefoot, as had all other Ash'Reem serving in Starfleet. But now he had these fleshy human feet, narrower, pinker. Less dexterous. And more prone to pain.

Boots were one of the many side effects he had yet to fully adjust to. And Socks! Well...the less said there, the better.

"Damned shoes," he swore, louder than he should have, stumbling forward as he kicked the last one away behind him, hearing it thump against one of her chairs.

 "Gods I hope our child is more coordinated than I am," he muttered under his breath and stood up, stripping as fast as he could as he scampered the rest of the way across her quarters, ducking into the bathroom as he dropped his shirt away, bare chested. In a much clearer tone, he addressed his lover - Mother of your child? he thought in awe - "I think a shower is a capital idea."

So too would reaching out and pulling her into his arms, but he wasn't entirely sure if she wanted help, or help.

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #18 –
[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5 | USS Theurgy]  Attn: @Brutus
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While she waited for him, Sel took her shaving kit from a drawer near the sink and carefully unpacked it. It was primitive, at least by Federation standards. No laser shaving device or Sonic pulses, no she had an exceptionally sharp blade, a sharpening tool, a small container of a lotion, a small container of some cream, and a few special combs. It was a kit collected specifically to shave her head and the blade had done so many many times in the past, though it had seen more than a week of disuse.

As she prepared the kit for use she was aware of how what had once brought comfort and order into her life, no longer did. She felt uncertain, about a great number of things. She only hoped that the process, the act of restoring her hair to how she felt it should be, would in some small way restore her to how she felt she should be.

When Sarresh entered and she felt his arms wrap around her, she felt like warm butter, melting into him. Relaxing all the more. Even though she did not wish many to know of her relationship with him, she viewed it as a weakness that could be exploited, or perhaps a chain that would hold her back from some things so it was best to keep it limited to who knew, she was still more than happy to feel him near her.

"I was going to take care of this," she said softly as she ran her fingers over the hair that had grown in and looked like this stubble, prickly to the touch.

In the time since she had begun cutting her hair, shaving that part of it, no one had cut it but herself, she made it a point to not let people near her with a knife so sharp as that. It was too easy for her to be injured and to many had hurt her for her to be too overly trusting.

Carefully she became to comb her hair away from the spot she intended to shave. Clearing it of every stray hair and turning on the faucet to wet her hair so it would stay. Then when she was ready she opened the container of cream and gently began to lather it over the short hair that had only recently grown in. She took her time, almost as a cat preening herself. She only moved far enough away from Sarresh to do the task, wanting to keep him close, to feel him near her.

"Have you ever shaved with a blade?" she asked him softly, her eyes moving to the blade sitting on the counter next to the sink as she cleaned the cream from between her fingers under the steady flow of warm water. She glanced back at him, her look curious, but also deeply vulnerable. "If I asked you to... would you shave me?"

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #19 –
[ Lt (jg) Sarresh Morali | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5| USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe 
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Sarresh decided that he was glad he'd given into the impulse to pull Sel in. That wrapping his arms about her from behind was the proper choice, as he felt her fold herself against him. He had always enjoyed contact, skin on skin, with her. But now, knowing what he knew, this felt like holding someone treasured, instead of the simple pleasure of contact. There was more to that gentle moment than he could put into words, and usually that would frustrate him. Not today. Not now. Contentment sunk into his bones as he felt the heat of her body. A deep breath filled his lungs, and he allowed himself to drink in the scent that was uniquely Ryuan Sel.

She began to speak about her hair, and a look of intense curiosity blossomed on Sarresh's face. He felt as if the woman before him was giving him some secret insight into her life. A part of the former Ash'reem hoped that this would be the first of many such moments. Would he be able to divulge any secrets to her, things that know one else was aware of? He didn't have all that many that he knew of. He was private, yes, but there wasn't much to see. He hadn't been left with much, thanks to entirely too much time traveling.

Regardless of what he could offer her, other than devoted care and affection, Sarresh let his fingers run along her back as he listened to her, and watched, his head darting about as she wet her hair, as she lathered up. The scent of the cream was powerful, and to his delight, it smelled familiar. A small part of what went into the scent he associated with her. It made sense, and he couldn't help the small smile that passed over his face at the revelation. Are you going to start grinning like a loon with every little thing now? he chastised himself.

Probably

"Have you ever shaved with a blade," he heard her ask, as she washed her hands before him. There were a scant few inches of space between them now as she went about cleaning her fingers, and she turned, looking over her bare shoulder at the still half dressed man behind her. There was something in that gaze, a sense of vulnerability that pulled Sarresh in deep, like he was falling off the edge of a cliff and into an ocean. His eyes had gone wide as she finished with, "If I asked you to... would you shave me?"

He started to respond, to tell her that no, he had never used a blade in his life, and until very recently, had never had to shave. Ash'reem, after all, were an aquatic species. Their bodies were sleek, slick things, and even the 'hair' on their heads hadn't been fibrous hair in the true sense of the word. They did not grow facial hair, or hair anywhere on their bodies. That Sarresh had been forced to start shaving (and not just his face) had been another awkward discovery in the wake of his transformation. He preferred the laser devices to quickly trim his cheeks (and chest, and legs, and ...between those legs, and Gods hadn't that been embarrassingly awkward) , and was far too scared to set a blade to his own skin.

But before the words could even slip out of his mouth, there was a small, nigh on imperceptible shiver that ran down his spine. His eyes spun slightly, the mechanical iris' rotating and growing a bit wider, and his lips fell open. Suddenly, he knew how to do just that. To use a blade to shave her clean. How he knew that he had done this before, he didn't understand. But he recognized the sensation. Oh yes, he knew it well. Too well.

"Actually," he whispered softly, "I do know how." His fingers rubbed together against his thumb, as he stepped forward again and pressed his body to hers, gently. He reached past her, and closed his hand over one of hers, near the blade, and lowered his lips to hover by hear ears. There was something almost humble as he spoke again, in that soft rasp. "I'd very much like to...I'd be...honored, if you'd let me."

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #20 –
[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5 | USS Theurgy]  Attn: @Brutus
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In her lifetime Sel had been held close by many people, both men and women and even a few that didn't really fit into those categories. But there was something different in how she felt in the arms of Sarresh, a sense of safety that she could not quite get used too. She wondered if it was how little girls were supposed to feel in the arms of their fathers, safe and secure, loved and cherished. True there was a sensuality to it, but that was welcome as well.

She found that even when he was not around she longed for him to be near, to touch him and be touched by him. It was not something she was used to. She had lovers, but this was something different. She did not know what had caused the change or how she felt about the change. Was it the effect of the pheromones that started their relationship? Was it the trauma she had undergone shortly after the start of their relationship and how heavily she had leaned on him in the time that had followed?

She did not know. Or maybe it was something altogether different. She made it a point to not believe in destiny, at least not how it seemed like most of her people seemed to believe in it. But when she felt his arms enclose around her, holding her, his body entombing her in his powerful grip, she felt like she was exactly where she was supposed to be and that anywhere else and with anyone else would be nowhere near as good.

"I'd very much like to...I'd be...honored, if you'd let me."

She could not help but smile at that. He was so polite, so different from the men who seemed more interested in using her, or rather using her body. As if when she was with him, when they had sex, when they simply held each other; she was not some piece of meat to be used to satisfy some momentary physical need, as she had been for much of her life, but it was as if she were a person, with her own wants and needs. As if he wanted her, and not just solely her body.

It made it very easy for her to give him her body, to give him everything she was.

She tilted her head, exposing the side due to be shaved, coated in the rich lathery cream and her pale neck and gazed at him in the mirror. They had sex a number of times, they'd fucked, they'd even made love, but this was different. This was a level of intimacy she'd never given to anyone before and she could feel her heart flutter in her chest and heat rise into her face. As she watched him in the mirror her face showed the heat in the tinges of a scarlet blush and she looked away.

"Just... be gentle," she intoned softly. "I don't want to get too bloody. The last thing we need is to go rushing to sickbay... right now..." She bit her lip, knowing that a visit to sickbay was coming soon enough anyway, knowing that the life inside her was growing anyway. She had a fear in her mind along with it, something she was unsure if she should even put into words. A possibility that left her terrified. She knew that the child could just as easily not be Sarresh's as it could be his. There was no guarantee of anything. And she did not want to have her child be fathered by any man other than him. She did not know how either of the men would react if it turned out to be the others and not Sarresh's. The thought of Sarresh rejecting her troubled her far too much to put to much thought into that idea.

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #21 –
[ Lt (jg) Sarresh Morali | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5| USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe 
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Her head leaned over to the side, and Sarresh got the message. He wondered why so many things were easier with Sel. Non-verbal queues (such as they were) often challenged Sarresh. Especially in the wake of the transformation he had been forced to undertake. In the past he had relied on his nose, and the ability to sift through the various and sundry pheromones that humanoids emitted to help discern their mood. He felt even more blind without that, than he did with these new eyes.

And yet he'd been able to read Sel (as much as anyone could) from the start. His thoughts began to mirror her own, not that he could tell. Wondering if the strange connection had something to do with their first encounter. Or if he simply was able to understand her because they had a connection. This certainly felt true, as he held her so that her bare back was against his equally bare chest. His thoughts would often turn to her throughout the day. Moments like this - moments that weren't just passionate sex - had become more and more prevalent as time went on.

With a smile blossoming on his face, Sarresh picked up the blade, pushing aside any concern around the sudden dump of knowledge into his brain. He decided he liked the latter explanation - that whatever he had been developing with Sel, it was real. As real as the child growing in her now. It was a sappy thought, the kind of thing he would  have assumed he'd chastise himself over, and certainly would have mocked someone else for saying. The matching smile on his lover's face had him believing he was on the right track.

Light, from the mirror before them, caught the edge of the blade as Sarresh drew it up before them. He looked from it, to the mirror, watching as Sel's cheeks colored, listening as she spoke. He gave a serious nod, knowing she'd see it - before she looked away from her own reflection. Usually he hated seeing himself in a mirror, but in this moment, he looked past the skin, the new body, and took on the two of them, as a whole. He looked so odd so...happy. That's what's odd. The smile! Embarrassed realization fluttered through his thoughts before he refocused on the woman before him.

Unaware of the concern running through Sel's mind, Sarresh bent his attention to the task at hand. Eyes evaluated the curve of her lather soaked scalp with a surgical precision, in a very literal sense. He began to map the route he would take, mentally, and visually, an overly passing into his vision. So these eyes aren't totally wasted on me, he mused as his right hand came up and gently lay atop her wet hair, pulling it taut so he could gently follow that path, and not trim what should remain long.

"Lets see here," he murmured, sticking his tongue out of the side of his mouth as he concentrated. He gently brought the blade in, almost feather light in his touch, and began to take long, practiced strokes, following the curve of her skull. He hummed, in the back of his throat, some wordless tune from memory. He was keenly aware of the press of Sel's body to his own. Of the way her heart beat. Of the life she carried in side of her. The trust she'd handed over.

Sarresh would be damned if he cut her in this moment. He refused to allow it. Instead he took careful, deliberate passes, scraping the blade across her head, fine hairs flicking away into the lather that collected on its sharp edge. He would flick it out, into the sink, then dip the edge under running water. The fourth time he did this, he pressed his lips to a patch of freshly shaven skin and murmured, "Dip your head forward a bit, please. Need to get behind the ear."

He hoped the sound of his voice would sooth any nerves, as he switched the hands he was using on the razor. The now freed left hand came up, finger running around the shell of her ear, pressing it gently to the side. He twisted at the hip to get a better view. And then, as careful as if he were calibrating a chroniton detector, he brought the blade back in, with short, terse flicks, removing the hair growth on the tender bit of flesh.

"I may ask you to return the favor," he blurted out - whispered really, but saying it, without really thinking it through first. Quickly, he rinsed the blade again, and hastened to ask, "How am I doing?" He had quite the need  for her approval then - and to draw away from the offer he'd just tentatively made. Anywhere he would need shaved wouldn't be quite as easy to get at as the top of a head. Could he hold still, he asked, as she was, if she were attacking his cheeks with a blade?

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #22 –
[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5 | USS Theurgy]  Attn: @Brutus
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There was something far more intense about shaving with a blade when compared to the safer methods many others used. The feel of the extremely sharp metal sliding gracefully against the skin, removing the hair and even some skin, leaving behind a smooth surface. It was almost sensual, visceral in a way.

But because of the nature of the blade and the fact that it would mean letting someone so close to her who was holding one, Sel had never even considered letting anyone cut her hair for her. It was a level of intimacy that she had never felt. Yet as she felt Sarresh's skilled hands move over her, manipulating the blade and sheering away the short prickly hair, she could not deny the feeling that swelled within her. She could only guess that it was love, a feeling almost completely foreign to her. She felt safe and tended to, comforted and nourished in his arms. It felt so good it hurt and she could not hide it.

She'd been with any number of men and women in the past, but it had never been like this. She didn't even know if she liked it all that much. She loved the feeling of safety and love, but it scared her just as much as anything else. She had the pang of a fear that he would abandon her, that all of this feeling was some sort of lie or that it would just leave her feeling cold and alone in the end. It was why she had so many walls up in the first place. Because people could not be trusted. People had always let her down. Heck, she'd let herself down enough times to know that no one was really all that trustworthy.

And yet she found herself trusting him. And that scared her.

As she leaned forward to give him access to behind her ear a tear slide down her cheek and she wiped it away, not bothering to hide it from him.

"You're doing fine," she breathed, though there was a tremble in her voice. She usually put on a much stronger face than this, presenting herself as a force to be reckoned with. She was a proud Bajoran woman and she wanted everyone to know what that meant. It usually meant that people thought she was a little bit of a bitch, but she didn't mind that. She did mind them seeing weakness in her.

She let out a breath as if she had been holding it in and looked up and into the mirror. She could see him, concentrating on her head, his task all but done at this point, there was not that much area to shave on her head and if she decided to shave anywhere else she figured she'd get a different razor for that. The one she used on her head was specifically shaped for use there, she didn't want to think of what it would do to her underarms or pubic region. No, best to use a different blade for that.

"If you wanted me to, I would gladly shave you... anywhere you wanted shaved," she said with a slight teasing smile. In her mind, there was something sensual about shaving, something private, which given she hardly even kept her sex life private that was saying a bit.

Though she had kept her relationship with Sarresh private. That was for her, she didn't need anyone else, just him. Usually, when she left a place with someone she did it very openly, yet with Sarresh it had been more covert, more just between the two of them. Not out of a need to keep it secret, she doubted anyone would care if it got out. No, for now, this relationship was hers and she didn't want to share it with the world.

As he finished with the side of her head she turned around and carefully closed her hand around his that was still holding the razor. She looked into his eyes and she could feel the tears in her own eyes blurring out the world.

And then with not a little bit of force, she grabbed him by his hair and pulled him into a kiss. Beginning passionate and needy. She needed him, she needed his lips on her own, she needed his tongue against hers. She needed to taste him, to feel him. She needed him and knew that nothing else would do.

She broke the kiss only to quietly breath, "Sarresh... I think I love you..."

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #23 –
[ Lt (jg) Sarresh Morali | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5| USS Theurgy ] Attn: @Absinthe 
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There were lips on his, demanding, pleading. He felt the need rolling off of Sel. All the teasing moments ago, about shaving him if that was what he wanted, had been washed away by the sweet taste of her. Sarresh's free hand was on her hip now, drawing her closer. His other hand was trapped in Sel's grasp, the razor resting on the edge of the sink The dark haired head bent lower, making it easier to deepen the kiss. And deepen it he did, as his bare chest pressed against hers.

For one blessed moment, Sarresh's word condensed into the sweet pressure of her kiss. And then she pulled away, and spoke in a hushed breath, whispering words that, were he being honest, he'd been wanting to hear for a while now.

"Sarresh... I think I love you..."

She had actually said it. Maybe not exactly the way he'd dreamed. And he had dreamed.

One of his hands already had Sel's in his grasp - the other moved quickly from her waist to grab the other hand that had been on the back of his neck. Gently, he moved her hand away from his skin, but he smiled, worried that she would worry. Sarresh didn't want that - he just wanted to savor this moment, replaying her words over and over in his mind.  He cradled them both in his grasp and brought them up to his lips. He kissed, softly, quietly, each and every knuckle.

"So many things," he said quietly, between the kisses, "have gone wrong since I came to this ship." An understatement if ever there was one. "You have been the one thing - the one person, thats gone right." It cost him something to say it, showing in the way his voice broke. His eyes didn't stop looking at her - artificial, but full of honest warmth. The last time he thought he'd fallen for someone, she'd been taken away. Killed in a horrible fashion. There was a fear that he'd been trying to ignore, that if he told her how he felt, she'd be taken from him.

"you....you and our child, are everything to me. Not the mission. You." This was hit. He told himself he could this, but he opened his mouth. Silence. And then, as his hands squeezed her tighter. "Love you." He realized he forgot a key word. "I love you." She was scared - well, so was he.

Re: USS Theurgy - The Start of Life

Reply #24 –
[ Ens. Ryuan Sel | Sel's Quarters | Deck 5 | USS Theurgy]  Attn: @Brutus
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She had said it. She had said it and in the seconds that followed she watched the emotions play out on his face, felt as he moved her hand and held her close. His words pierced into her like nothing ever had.

Was this what it felt like to feel safe? Was this what home felt like?

She'd gotten close to this feeling before, but only once and it was not the same as this. This was different. This was... She didn't know. A sublime joy and utter terror pulsed through her. She felt alive, perhaps unlike ever before.

She felt as if her skin was pulsing, buzzing with sensation, and yet as if the ground had dropped away and the two of them were standing in space, held up by nothing at all. As if there was no world outside of the two of them at that moment, as if that was all there should ever be, as if there was all there could ever be.

And then, after only a second it came back, a reminder of the truth.

"The mission..." She echoed the words, her voice instantly distant. A pain shot through her face, as if a terrible ache opened up inside her and consumed all the joy in her.

She turned her, breaking her hands free from his and resting them on the counter, her spine arching and she hunched over and stared down at the cream and hair in the sink, remnants of a moment, now passing.

"Sarresh..." she breathed, her voice pained, she was now crying, tears again flowing down her face. "I can't... I can't be pregnant, Sarresh..." She went on weakly. It was as a sudden weight had fallen on her, crushing her.

She had not considered the mission. She had not considered how this would change things, how it would affect her ability to do her duty. She hadn't considered most of the ramifications of this. She'd been more wrapped up in the details of how it would affect her life, but this was bigger than that. This was more than just her. She had made a vow. Her hands were fast balling into fists, the knuckles he had kissed only a second before whitening in her pained grip.

"The mission. We can't fail," she said, now actually weeping, her voice breaking. "I can't bring a life into all of this. I can't..."
 
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