Day 02 [1100 hrs.] First Steps

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Day 02 [1100 hrs.] First Steps

May 04, 2019, 03:00:12 PM

First Steps

STARDATE 57561.14
MARCH 12, 2381
1100 HRS.

[ PO1 Mickayla MacGregor | Outside Main Sickbay | Deck 11 | USS Theurgy | Aldea ] Attn: @fiendfall
[Show/Hide]

To the Counselling Department

My name is Mickayla MacGregor, Petty Officer First Class, formerly of the USS Endeavour. I am requesting a scheduled appointment to discuss everything that has happened recently. I am having some trouble adapting to all the recent changes in my circumstances. I hope someone in your department can spare the time to meet with me.

Mickayla MacGregor

Mickayla remembered the message that she had sent two days prior as she walked along the passageways of Deck 11 towards the Main Sickbay. She had received a reply to her request for an appointment the evening prior and, despite the short notice, knew that she needed it. She just hadn’t been expecting to be meeting with the Chief Counsellor.

“Probably doesn’t trust anyone else to handle the crazy Klingon manslaughter,” Mickayla thought to herself as she walked through the doors and into the waiting room. “Can’t say I blame them.” Walking up to the reception duty station, she addressed the NCO there.

“Good morning, I have an appointment with the Chief Counsellor at 1100 hours,” Mickayla informed them.

“Petty Officer MacGregor?” the receptionist enquired after a quick check.

“That’s correct,” Mickayla confirmed.

“Have a seat,” the NCO directed. “I will inform Counsellor Hathev of your arrival.”

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #1 – May 06, 2019, 02:33:44 PM

[ Lt Cmdr Hathev | Chief Counsellor's Office, Main Sickbay | Deck 11 | USS Theurgy | Aldea ] Attn: @Stegro88

And so, Aldea. Hathev was glad of the respite the planet offered, if only as it afforded opportunity to perform her duties in a more amenable situation than had been offered to the Theurgy in months, it seemed. She was still compiling her list of personnel she considered most at risk; in the meantime, however, she had been glad to see no small number of requests made of her department completely unprompted.

One of her first patients was to be one who had made such a request. Mickayla MacGregor, a human-Klingon hybrid from the Endeavour who had been among those rescued from the Versant. Hathev would not pretend knowledge of the intricacies of the situation with the Versant; although it seemed she was not the only one. Information had been scarce, and thus she found herself approaching the agreed time for the appointment with far less than her usual amount of preparation. It was somewhat disconcerting, but not unexpected: even if she had taken a Theurgy crewmember as her first patient, there would have been much about their experiences of which she would have been uninformed.

Still, she could perform some preparations at least. She lowered the ambient temperature of the office down from her preferred heat, arranged the seats in such a way that would invite her patient to take the couch, and replicated a plate of assorted biscuits for the coffee table.

Perfectly on time, she was hailed by Reception; she took a moment to smooth her skirt, settled herself at her desk, and made ready to receive her very first patient aboard the Theurgy.

‘Thank you, officer. You may send MacGregor in.’

It was only a few metres from the waiting area to her own door, and so mere moments later her door chirped and slid open to allow the petty officer entrance.

MacGregor stood a few inches taller than Hathev, hair falling long around her cranial ridge; she was well-built and appeared strong, as would be expected of a Security officer. There seemed to be a slightly defensive tilt to her stance, although it was no more than could be expected — the first of these meetings was always something of a battle, each party feeling the other out, and though Hathev promised aid she knew it came at the cost of personal honesty; a cost that could prove painful and humiliating, and, for some at least, too great. Considering the circumstances, it was only logical for MacGregor to exhibit some reticence; it was merely Hathev’s duty to bypass it. Everything in her office had been prepared to put her patient at ease; now all that remained was her own conduct.

Accordingly, she stood, crossing the room to greet her guest. ‘You are welcome here,’ she said; an unnecessary statement but one worth reiterating. She extended a hand, steeling herself for the human greeting. ’My name is Hathev, you have my thanks for joining me. Please, make yourself comfortable.’

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #2 – May 07, 2019, 05:03:23 AM

[ PO1 Mickayla MacGregor | Outside Main Sickbay | Deck 11 | USS Theurgy | Aldea ] Attn: @fiendfall
[Show/Hide]

“Thank for taking the time to see me, Lieutenant Commander Hathev,” Mickayla said by way of a greeting as she entered the room. Not knowing how exactly to proceed, she stood in the centre of the room, her arms behind her back. She noticed the Vulcan counsellor eyeing her but pushed the discomfort of being examined aside. She was here to get help with those feelings, among other things.

“You are welcome here,” the counsellor replied, standing up and crossing the room to greet Mickayla, her hand extending in a human greeting. “My name is Hathev, you have my thanks for joining me. Please, make yourself comfortable.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” Mickayla acknowledge, gently grasping the officer’s hand for a moment before releasing it and moving to sit on the couch. Since being forcibly altered into a full-blooded Klingon, she had struggled with her mindset, emotions, reactions to events and just her general day to day activities. Case in point, she never used to sleep naked and yet the last two nights she had done just that and was seriously contemplating continuing the trend. The smallest things could set her off one moment and then not exist the next. She needed help to make sense of it all.

“Counsellor Hathev, ah,” Mickayla tried to begin, except, she didn’t know how. Words wouldn’t come and she suddenly felt like she was wasting a senior officer’s time with her own inadequacies. “My apologies, ma’am,” Mickayla said, standing back up and heading for the door. “I’m sorry for wasting your time.”

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #3 – May 07, 2019, 02:43:27 PM

[ Lt Cmdr Hathev | Chief Counsellor's Office, Main Sickbay | Deck 11 | USS Theurgy | Aldea ]

MacGregor’s uncertainty belied her Klingon heritage; curious. The petty had remained in the centre of the room until Hathev ushered her to a seat, and even as she sat she seemed uncomfortable and out of place. All to be expected of a new patient — to be preferred, even, as those who feigned nonchalance were often dishonest not only with their counsellor but with themselves.

Hathev moved to seat herself opposite MacGregor, allowing the other woman space to speak. She did not like to take charge so early in a session unless it proved necessary, preferring to allow her patients to introduce themselves and their concerns unprompted. She had also foregone the traditional counsellor’s PADD on which to take notes; the risk of her forgetting details was minimal, and in any case outweighed by the benefits offered by the arrangement. She had found patients could perceive note-taking as assessment rather than memory aid; illogical though this perception was, it could hold remarkable sway over an anxious individual.

She lent back in her chair, crossing a leg elegantly and considering the officer before her. MacGregor seemed to struggle with vocalising her thoughts; for a moment she teetered, searching for words, and then something, whether frustration or insecurity, spurred her give up. She stood and made to leave, offering apologies as she did.

Hathev swivelled her chair slightly, but made no move to stop MacGregor. If the woman wished to leave there would be little purpose in forcing her to stay. A patient must want treatment for anything Hathev could offer to be of use.

‘You need not apologise, officer,’ she said. ‘No time is wasted that is beneficial to a patient; thus unless you believe it inconceivable that my services may be of aid to you, it would be quite impossible for you to waste my time, nor I yours. If we conclude our meeting and you do not feel it has helped, then at the very least you can be confident in discounting counselling as a treatment option, and the time will have been of use even then. By leaving now you gain little; in my experience, that would be the greatest waste.’

Gesturing once more to the seat MacGregor had only recently vacated, she softened her tone. ‘I have a duty to perform, officer; I urge you to allow me to do so. ’

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #4 – May 08, 2019, 06:15:58 PM

Hathev’s words had caused Mickayla to pause in her departure, her mind in turmoil with memories of everything that had happened up to that point and thoughts of everything that could happen in the future as a result them. She didn’t know where to begin. She had lost everything that made sense in her life. The only thing that remained was her status as a Starfleet officer. Her sense of duty. And like that, the realisation of the one remaining thing that she still had at that moment, everything became clearer. Her mind was not any calmer but now there was a point where she could be and let the storm surround her but not consume her.

“Ma’am,” Mickayla said, addressing the counsellor as she turned back around to face the Vulcan. “Captain Picard once said that the first duty of every Starfleet officer was to the truth, whether it's scientific truth or historical truth or personal truth. That it was the guiding principle on which Starfleet is based. And that if we could not find it within ourselves to stand up and tell the truth, no matter the cost, then we do not deserve to wear the uniform.”

“I have to do this,” Mickayla thought to herself as she paused to gather her thoughts. “For better or worse, I need the help. Whether there is a chance to return to what I once was or not, I have to try and accept what I am now; if only to understand what happened to me later.”

“Counsellor Hathev, I would be lying to both you, and more importantly, myself, if I told you that I believed my leaving right now would be beneficial to me,” Mickayla explained. “On the contrary, I fear that it would do me more, if not permanent, harm. I am not what I once was, and I am not sure how to deal with that. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.”

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #5 – May 11, 2019, 02:05:33 PM

[ Lt Cmdr Hathev | Chief Counsellor's Office, Main Sickbay | Deck 11 | USS Theurgy | Aldea ] attn: @Stegro88

Ah, Captain Picard. A man almost Vulcan in his wisdom. This would not be the first time he came to her aid in her duty, nor, she suspected, would it be the last.

‘I am glad to see your familiarity with the captain’s assessment,’ she said. Of all the vessels, and all the crews to whom it pertained, perhaps the Theurgy was among the most deserving. The quest for truth was a central tenet of Starfleet ideology, and one she herself had neglected before her arrival on this ship. It could be a difficult directive, especially when the final frontier to be navigated was the constellation of one’s own mind; however that, in Hathev’s opinion, was the most worthy cause of them all.

Know thyself, indeed. All other truths shall follow.

For MacGregor, it seemed this was a particularly charged issue. Hathev was not personally aware of the repercussions faced by those who had been aboard the Versant, and she would never base her approach to treatment on hearsay. However what she had been told spoke of a scientific procedure that was as impossible as it was barbaric.

Of course, Hathev had reconsidered what she believed to be impossible many times in the past few days. The concept held little meaning when facing such vast unknowns.

‘My duty is to understand,’ she said, ‘and to aid you in your own understanding. I know little of your troubles but I am here to listen, if you wish it to be so.’

The woman had displayed a certain circumspection in her assessment of her own condition; that she had reached out for assistance of her own accord, and subsequently identified the fact that her immediate dismissal of that assistance could be harmful to her, revealed an encouraging emotional and intellectual coherence. Now all that remained was to develop that coherence into recovery.

‘You need not tell your truth to me, officer, nor indeed to any counsellor; however if you are uncertain of that truth, I believe I can assist you in its discovery.’ She met the Klingon’s gaze with a level stare, though one that was not unkind in its intensity. ‘If that is a possibility you wish to explore, please. Sit with me, and we shall approach it together.’

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #6 – May 15, 2019, 03:49:44 PM

Hathev’s words had soothed Mickayla’s nerves for the moment and she sat back down without a word as she thought about where, and how, to begin. The Versant, The Endeavour? Her time in Starfleet before that? Or the beginning?

“The beginning, my beginning, such as it was,” Mickayla thought to herself as she glanced at the Vulcan. “My entire life has been defined by me being a hybrid, a visible outcast. And yet I found a way to fit in. To have a purpose. Now? Now I have nothing.”

“Ma’am,” Mickayla began slowly, her voice soft yet under tight control. “I don’t know if you are aware of it or not, but I was not born as the full-blooded Klingon that you see now. Rather I was born on Earth to a Human mother with no knowledge of who my father is or was. And that single constant, being a hybrid, has defined everything in my life. How I grew up, studied and lived. The choices I made about my future, enlisting in Starfleet. Everything.”

“And now I have none of that,” Mickayla considered bitterly. “Not anymore.”

“And then, then the Borg happened,” Mickayla stated, her voice dropping in temperature. “When the Borg destroyed the Endeavour, I made it to an escape pod with a few others. We drifted through the nebula, hoping for someone, anyone, to rescue us. And someone did. The Versant.”

“But that was only the beginning of our struggle. The Savi, they tortured us and experimented on us,” Mickayla revealed. “All the hybrids, they gave us a choice. One race or the other. I’ve never liked my Klingon side, even when it benefitted me, so I chose Human. Not that it mattered. Choice was an illusion. I was forcibly altered to a 100% Klingon physiology against my will. My entire life stripped away. I have nothing left.”

“And they couldn’t even alter me right,” Mickayla bemoaned silently.

“I look in the mirror and though I recognise what I see, it’s not me. I am acting differently. Thing’s I wouldn’t do before I am finding myself doing now casually. My reactions to things have changed. I was attacked the other day and instead of stopping the fight I wanted it, looked forward to it. That goes against everything I have been trained to do.”

“As I said,” Mickayla reiterated. “Nothing makes sense anymore.”

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #7 – May 20, 2019, 04:18:01 PM

[ Lt Cmdr Hathev | Chief Counsellor's Office, Main Sickbay | Deck 11 | USS Theurgy | Aldea ] attn: @Stegro88

Listening to MacGregor’s tale, Hathev concluded it was little wonder the woman was experiencing such confusion regarding her own selfhood. The specifics of this situation were unlike any Hathev had ever encounted before, much less treated. In broad strokes it was a case of lost self-definition and resulting uncertainty; however while Hathev had treated this issue many times, the most extreme examples she had encountered were due to loss of rank -- an issue so dwarfed in comparison to her current patient's turmoil as to render it almost entirely trivial. Still, the similarities were there, both in symptoms and psychology. Perhaps Hathev could have drawn more upon her experience of such cases were it not for the complicating factors.

Factor the first: MacGregor had not only lost something by which she defined herself, but had been biologically altered. Her DNA had been changed on a fundamental level, which would in turn affect her behaviour in a both natural and permanent fashion. Hathev knew better than most the catastrophic and long-lasting damage that could be caused from ignoring the biological imperative of one’s species. This alone would have been enough to complicate the matter far beyond that of simple self-definition, and there was little purpose in pretending otherwise.

The second factor was one Hathev understood even better. She had studied and written about trauma's affect on brain chemistry and construction for twenty years, the way prolonged or repeated violation of personhood would physically rewire the brain as it attempted to protect itself from the protracted horror. Even in less severe cases, any kind of trauma would change a person; the degree of change varied from individual to individual, but personality shifts were an expected symptom of post-traumatic stress.

It was no surprise, then, that MacGregor should experience such a thing. She had been suspended in a state of heightened fear for days on end, had been stripped of her bodily autonomy and personhood, and when forced to make an unimaginable decision, her wishes had been disregarded in a fashion that could only be described as deliberately cruel. She had been violated, body and mind; after enduring so much, it was not surprising MacGregor found herself changed to such a degree that she was unable to recognise herself in her own visage.

Hathev folded her hands in her lap. Were she of the kind to offer platitudes, there would have been a myriad from which to choose. As it was, however, she had an all-more-delicate balance to navigate. Any fool could say what another wished to hear; the skill came in saying what they needed to hear.

‘What was done to you was truly despicable,’ she said; no purpose in mincing words. ‘That it has left you uncertain and grieving is very much to be expected. I daresay things will not begin to make sense for some time; but then, that is what we are here to work upon.’

She folded her hands in her lap, considering. ‘We cannot change what has happened, nor what has been done to you. Rather, our purpose here is to understand what these events mean for you, and how we can best respond to them.’

A beat as Hathev took a moment to regard the officer. At this juncture it was difficult to gauge the response her words might garner. She did not wish to push too hard, but neither did she see anything to be gained from inefficiency.

Despite being a first-generation hybrid, MacGregor clearly valued her humanity high above her Klingon heritage. It was not difficult to deduce why that might be, nor to see how that disparity could translate into self-hatred considering MacGregor’s current situation — a risk Hathev would need to mitigate the chances of.

Her question would need answering sooner or later. There would be little purpose in dancing around it until she judged MacGregor to be in an optimal position for its answering. No, sometimes surprise was a useful tool, prompting an honest and unconsidered response.

‘A place to start, then,’ she said, and met MacGregor’s gaze firmly, though not unkindly. ‘What would it have meant had you become fully human?’

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #8 – May 26, 2019, 11:16:36 AM

“I never expected it to be a quick fix ma’am, but you could at least have tried to lie to me a little about it. I’m not usually one for platitudes but that was about as direct as a plasma grenade,” Mickayla thought as Counsellor Hathev continued on, explaining that they were here to understand what happened to her and how best to respond to that.

Mickayla was about to comment on what the Vulcan had said but decided against it when she met the officer’s gaze. Hathev seemed to be looking at her in a way that had Mickayla feeling that the Vulcan was looking inside of her. It was not a pleasant feeling but Mickayla forced herself not to react or retort to the staring; she was the one here, asking for the help that she needed to settle the storm inside her mind and body. To do that, she would have to accept being examined. If she herself didn’t understand what was happening from where she was, she couldn’t expect others to from a worse vantage point.

“I need to sort this out. If I can’t be changed back to the way I was before all this began, I need to find a balance. I did it once, I can do it again. I just need a little help this time,” Mickayla considered as Hathev began to speak again of a place to start. And the question that followed was not one the Mickayla had thought that she would have had to answer. “What kind of a question is that? It would have meant everything to me. I would have been accepted for the first time in my li.....” Mickayla’s mental retort drained off as she realised why the Vulcan had asked the question.

“Acceptance,” Mickayla uttered after a moment of considering the right word. “Acceptance by my family, those I work with. And if I am honest, probably acceptance from myself,” Mickayla admitted, pausing before saying the last part of her explanation. She knew in her gut that Hathev would ask what she meant by that and so forged ahead before the Vulcan had a chance to ask. “I was born in a place called Scotland, on Earth. I’ve never known who my father was besides the fact that they were Klingon. My entire upbringing was on Earth with my mother’s clan. A clan of Humans. I don’t know about your life history any more than you know about mine, ma’am, but I grew up in a place where clan, family, was everything and my blood, my very appearance, bore the fact that I was not 100% clan.”

“They never excluded me from anything or mistreated me in anyway but it eventually I learned that you didn’t have to be obvious to behave differently around someone,” Mickayla continued, her voice wavering as memories of her past played out in her mind’s eye. “Being chosen last for team sports. Being forgotten to be invited to events or those events being held on days where I had already made plans for myself. It was always the little things that set me apart from the others. And all because of these,” Mickayla explained morosely, pointing at the ridges on her forehead for effect. “Attending Starfleet Academy was better; I could blend into the crowd more. Hard to be picked on in a class when there are 20 other species in the room. But it still happened. Klingons, even hybrids, aren’t exactly a common Federation species.”

“I had to learn how to be me and show others who I was in a way where my appearance no longer mattered. And that took a lot of time and effort,” Mickayla admitted as she locked eyes with Hathev. “And now I can’t even do that. Everyone will see me know as the Klingon female from the Versant. That’s all I see in the mirror now. I look at myself and I see a Klingon female that has my face and my body but who I don’t recognise. I act differently. My skin itches where it never has before. And I’ve checked carefully as to why. I was never ashamed about being naked but I was also never looking for reasons to be naked either. I never used to sleep naked, even after having company for the night but now I have slept such for the last two night; and the second time it wasn’t accidental. And saying that, I will probably sleep that way again tonight.”

“So, tell me Counsellor,” Mickayla said, addressing the Vulcan across from her. “How to I accept myself? How do I be me once more when there is nothing of me left?”

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #9 – May 30, 2019, 01:47:48 PM

[ Lt Cmdr Hathev | Chief Counsellor's Office, Main Sickbay | Deck 11 | USS Theurgy | Aldea ] attn: @Stegro88

Hathev watched MacGregor’s response with interest. The woman was uncomfortable, and her initial reaction to Hathev’s words seemed defensive, almost combative; however this quickly receeded into stony determination. She demonstrated a remarkable committment even in the face of her own emotions; Hathev was pleased.

Nevertheless, a more gentle touch from herself might be appreciated. Something she would keep in mind.

MacGregor’s answer to Hathev’s question was expected; it was not meant as a data-gathering exercise on Hathev’s part so much as an opportunity for MacGregor to reflect. Still, the manner in which the information was imparted was not without significance, the jumps in logic and subject that MacGregor made as she navigated her own emotional landscape revealing the connections her mind had drawn.

Hathev took a moment to consider the deficiencies that had led them here. For an individual to base their entire sense of self and their own worth on a single aspect of their person or experience was far from healthy. MacGregor’s circumstances were unique, of course, however she had clearly struggled with her identity for much of her life, and a portion of that struggle could and should have been eased. That it had clearly been left untreated was unfortunate, both for MacGregor’s past stability and her current predicament. Still, Hathev was no stranger to picking up the slack left by others less capable than herself.

‘Are you familiar with the nature/nurture discourse, officer?’ she asked lightly. ‘Your biology — your nature — has always included 50% Klingon DNA, and thus your brain and personality have always been influenced by this. However an equal if not greater influence on your personality is your upbringing, and this cannot be retroactively altered.’

She met MacGregor’s gaze as kindly as she was able. Their woman’s determination was commendable, but she was delicate even still. This, more than anything, marked her as not fully Klingon — though they were hardly Hathev’s favourite species in the galaxy, their robustness defied their emotional capacity.

‘In nurture you remain human, and your past, family, and upbringing cannot be taken from you. You may need to find a new balance between these two sides of yourself, but you retain both sides even now.’ Softening her tone: ‘There is much a mirror will not show you; that does not mean it is not there.’

If MacGregor wished to define herself by her hybridity, then that is where Hathev would begin. The woman had enough uncertainty to contend with at this time; Hathev would not overburden her.

Still. Seeds could be sown.

‘It is also true that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts; the sentient psyche defies being broken down into its constituent fractions.’ She attempted to keep her gaze unsharpened. ‘As this is a new beginning of sorts, you may decide how you wish to define yourself: by the mathematical judgement of others, or by your own beliefs and actions.’

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #10 – June 03, 2019, 04:04:48 PM

Mickayla wasn’t sure when the frustration began to set in. It might have been when the Vulcan counsellor brought up her biology and Klingon DNA. It might have been when she reminded Mickayla of her upbringing on Earth that was decidedly not Klingon at all. But the more Hathev spoke about personalities and parts of herself, the more Mickayla MacGregor’s frustration grew and the tenuous control on her emotional state slipped.

But when Hathev mentioned a new beginning and choosing to define herself, Mickayla felt herself become subsumed by her emotions. They had been a powerful part of her for her entire life but she had always been in tight control of them. But since the Versant, and being altered, they had taken on a renewed strength, and Mickayla felt herself slipping by the wayside, a spectator to her own response to the counsellor’s words.

“Choosing to define myself?” Mickayla growled, her voice dropping as she leant forward. “What does it matter how I define myself when everything about what is left of my life is governed by how others will see me. A Klingon with no sense of self and a history that will make her weak? Something barely beyond an animal in their ability to control themselves?” Wanting, needing to lash out, Mickayla grasped the vase that sat on the coffee table between them and pelted it at the wall, the glass shattering on impact. “That is how I feel right now! Like I have been picked up and smashed into a thousand pieces. And then put back together again into something resembling who I was but with all the important bits missing.”

“So, can you stop analysing me and start helping me!” Mickayla demanded hotly.

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #11 – June 09, 2019, 11:35:00 AM

[ Lt Cmdr Hathev | Chief Counsellor's Office, Main Sickbay | Deck 11 | USS Theurgy | Aldea ] attn: @Stegro88

It had been a long while since one of Hathev’s patients had grown violent during a session. She had half forgotten how inconvenient it was: she would have to call someone from maintenance to clean up the mess of broken glass now strewn across the floor. If MacGregor was to return for another session — something that was by no means guaranteed, especially considering this display — Hathev would be certain to remove anything breakable from the woman’s vicinity.

It would seem her attempts at gentleness had not been well-received, however Hathev was aware MacGregor’s behaviour was likely more a reflection on the woman’s internal workings than on Hathev’s particular approach. Nevertheless, her patient’s turmoil should never have reached so great a level as to allow for such behaviour; Hathev had been remiss in not defusing the situation before it could go this far. She had moved too quickly to plans for the future, spoken the words too early for MacGregor to be able to receive them. Hathev’s words had been meant as reassurances -- platitudes, even -- but instead it seemed they had been received as a push, unsharpened though they had been. She had, perhaps, misjudged both MacGregor and the reception of her own approach; she would need a moment to re-evaluate.

Further analysis was required, regardless of MacGregor’s feelings on the subject. Hathev was half inclined to remind the woman of the fact that analysis and aid went hand-in-hand, and there could not be one without the other. However considering recent behaviour, she considered such a statement might not be welcome. The vase may have been destroyed, but there were plenty of other delicate objects within arm's reach of her patient.

That MacGregor was disinclined to allow further study of herself may have been illogical, however it was an understandable result considering the emotions at play. The woman had been denied control over her own personhood; it was little wonder she would want to exert control over her recovery. Hathev could give MacGregor back that control, or at least some semblance of it.

‘A most informative demonstration,’ she said, her tone dry but carefully nonjudgmental. MacGregor would be expecting a response to her actions; however if she desired fear or anger she would be disappointed.

‘Very well,’ she said briskly, as if nothing unusual had come to pass. ‘In that case, please direct me to your needs. What does helping look like to you? What do you hope to gain from this exercise?’

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #12 – June 09, 2019, 04:32:19 PM

The Vulcan’s words struck a chord inside Mickayla. A thought resonated and took root, sparking off a series of ideas and sequences. And they all came together to point out one obvious and decisive fact. Mickayla was being an ass. And not only was she being an ass, she was being an ass to a superior officer, someone trying to help her and someone who, as far she knew, held no ill will towards her. And she had just broken her vase.

“Ah, I’m sorry about that ma’am,” Mickayla apologised, her voice now cool and contrite as she was chagrined at how she had acted. “I don’t know what came over me. One minute I was frustrated by something you were saying and the next I was in a sea of turbulent emotional waves that just wanted to smash things. My emotions have always been pretty strong, my mother told me it was the Klingon part of me but I’ve always been able to control them. But they were just too strong this time.”

“I’m such an idiot,” Mickayla thought to herself as her skin started to itch more. She’d first noticed it when she had been in the Reaver that parts of her skin were itchy but she had put it down to sweat and exhaustion. It hadn’t been until after her fourth show in almost as many hours when she had considered the possibility that it was something to do with her alteration. “I need to ask that thing about it next time I see it,” Mickayla reminded herself as she tried to get her rampant mind back on track. “She isn’t going to want to help me now. I’ve blown it. I wonder if the Klingons have sanitoriums or if they just kill their crazies.”

“I ah, I’ll go ma’am,” Mickayla said, sounding unsure of herself. Her skin was starting to feel like it was on fire and she balled her fists as she came to her feet, resisting the urge to itch opening. “I’m sorry about the vase and I sincerely hope it wasn’t a family heirloom or anything. I, ah, I don’t know how you can help me. I don’t even know what can help me. All I know is that I need help because there is something wrong with me at the moment.”

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #13 – June 10, 2019, 12:06:41 AM

[ Lt Cmdr Hathev | Chief Counsellor's Office, Main Sickbay | Deck 11 | USS Theurgy | Aldea ] attn: @Stegro88

A first session was always difficult, especially with such a raw patient. Hathev had never been one to dance around the matter at hand, offering pretty words and soft reassurances, stroking her patient’s nerves until they were finally in the correct emotional state. No, an individual had to reach a certain emotional base before Hathev would be able to build upon it, and she had found that no amount of encouragement from herself would be effective unless the patient reached that base of their own will.

Petty Officer MacGregor had not reached this stage. Hathev did not expect miracles, of course — emotional species were only capable of so much, after all — and she had considered it a positive sign that MacGregor had both arranged and attended this session by her own initiative. However Hathev could do little if a patient resisted her at every turn, and thus far it had been a balancing act to merely retain the officer in the room, let alone make any progress with her.

As it was, MacGregor was not receptive to Hathev’s approach; but when offered the chance to express her needs herself, she had been unable to. Hathev would not usually have asked of her the questions she did — she might direct them to a more composed patient, or one who hid their true emotions from her, but to one so raw and unfiltered as MacGregor? No. She had only asked them because she had been prompted to do so, and she was not surprised at the lacklustre response.

If MacGregor was unable or unwilling to distance herself from the minutiae of her emotions as was necessary to form judgements on her own mental state, then this role fell to Hathev. If the officer rejected even this, then there was little Hathev could do for her. MacGregor would simply have to find her way to the correct emotional state for treatment by herself.

‘You have damaged nothing of import,’ she said, not unkindly. ‘It would be illogical to ascribe emotional meaning to a possession so easily destroyed.’ All she owned had been lost with the Bellerophon, in any case. Her office here was Spartan, the only distinguishing features carefully chosen so as to present environs that were tranquil and composed.

She considered her next words carefully. ‘Miss MacGregor, allow me to speculate for a moment. As I see it, you came here today with a purpose in mind — to be, somehow, better than you are now. What ‘better’ means to you in this context, I cannot say; perhaps it is simply a greater control over your emotions, or perhaps it is self-understanding. Perhaps it is acceptance, from without and within. I cannot pretend to know the inner workings of your mind; these thoughts are yours and yours alone. I do not ask that you share anything you do not wish to, and I never shall.’

Hathev took a breath, slowly. The line she must walk was narrow as a hairline fracture, a line between authority and understanding, gentleness and strictness.

’There is nothing inherently wrong with you,’ she said first. ‘However if you do indeed wish to be ‘better’, whatever that means to you, I can and will help you to achieve that goal. In this, please allow me to be clear: for my efforts to be of any use, you must be willing to see that purpose through. It will be difficult, certainly, but it shall be in the service of your amelioration, and I shall not push you harder than I believe you can take. If you desire a reprieve, you need only ask and it is done; any question I ask may be met with silence if you do not wish to answer. These I shall not argue; these are your prerogative and your right.

‘In return, I ask that you do not lie — to me, or to yourself — and that you meet each new challenge with the open and determined mind I saw in you when you first sat upon my couch. If you can do these things, then I can gladly help you, and together we can determine what form that help should best take.’

She fixed MacGregor with a firm gaze. ‘I am here to assist you, but I cannot shoulder your burden for you. If this treatment is to continue, it must be a partnership. You are not alone in this unless you make it so.’

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #14 – June 10, 2019, 11:13:13 AM

Mickayla had wanted to take a step, and then another, until she was out of the Chief Counsellor’s office and on her way somewhere else, anywhere else. And yet, she also found herself standing there, unwilling to leave as the Vulcan spoke her. At first, she dismissed her breakage of the vase as if it was nothing before continuing on and describing the reason that she believed Mickayla was there that day was to better herself in some way.

“No shit, Doc,” Mickayla muttered in a kneejerk response that she managed to restrict to her inner thoughts alone. “I’ve been worse than raped and you have figured out that I want to better myself. Congratulations to you. Although, I’m going to have to disagree with you about the part where there is nothing inherently wrong with me, as you say. This is not me; this is not how I was born or raised. So, yes, there is something wrong with me. But there is nothing I can do to change that and I need your help to come to terms with that and get past it.”

Hathev had continued to speak, maintaining that while she was willing to help Mickayla, Mickayla had to be willing to be helped and had to walk the path; the counsellor was only there as a guide. She would need to be determined, show strength even when she felt none and be not only honest with the Vulcan, but honest with herself as well.

“I can do this. I think I can do this. I want to do this. I can't be like this,” Mickayla’s mind raced as she finally gave in and began scratching at her uniform where the skin itched beneath it.

“I don’t want to be alone ma’am,” Mickayla admitted, her voice broken as she looked at the counsellor square in the face. “And I don’t know if I have the strength to do this. But, if you are willing to, ma’am, I would like to try.”

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #15 – June 11, 2019, 05:05:46 PM

[ Lt Cmdr Hathev | Chief Counsellor's Office, Main Sickbay | Deck 11 | USS Theurgy | Aldea ] attn: @Stegro88

Hathev knew better than to believe this might be some sort of breakthrough; after all, they had reached the same position earlier in this same session. The immediate issue seemed to have been put to one side, however, even if the respite proved only temporary. MacGregor’s uncertainty extended beyond her own self and into her general conduct; Hathev would not be surprised if this was not the last time the woman wavered in her dedication.

Nevertheless, small victory though this was, it had been achieved. There was hope to be had.

‘Willingness is all I ask,’ she said. She had yet to find the correct tone for MacGregor, but she had concluded it better to err on the side of gentleness considering the woman’s delicate emotional state.

She paused, calculating the best way to continue. She would have liked to reiterate her previous point that there was compromise to be found even here, and that MacGregor was not solely at the whim of her new biological urges — emotional species did not have the cultural basis in self-control and self-amelioration that Vulcans enjoyed, but that did not mean they could not engage in those pursuits. They did not have to be beholden to parts of their self that they did not like.

Her previous attempts at such a statement had been rebuffed, however, and Hathev did not have any cause to believe they would be received more kindly now. The time for such a statement would be later, when MacGregor had reached a suitable emotional state to hear such things.

For now, however, she would break down the treatment into small increments over which MacGregor would have some control, with a practical focus on improving her day-to-day quality of life. Deeper psychological treatment would have to be left until later.

‘From a practical perspective, then,’ she continued, ‘perhaps we should establish a short-term goal for us to work towards now. Can I take it that it is your behavioural and emotional changes that are your greatest priority at this moment?’

Usually, Hathev would have preferred to pose this as a question to her patient, requesting a long-term goal and working backwards to extrapolate shorter-term checkpoints, as it were. However given the woman’s resolute uncertainty, Hathev did not much want to risk further agitating her by asking questions which she might not have the answers to.

As a result: ‘Are you aware of a single change that most perturbs you, and upon which we might initially focus? No answer is too dramatic or trivial; and if you cannot identify such a change, that too is acceptable. As I said, it is willingness, not certainty, that will best serve us here.’

Re: SD 57561.14: First Steps

Reply #16 – June 19, 2019, 04:19:59 PM

"A single thing that most perturbs me?” Mickayla asked herself as she continued to rub at her arm. “Does being a half-blood Klingon, raised Human, in a full-blood Klingon’s body count?” she wondered as her mind worked through the question. There was so much that made her uncomfortable now that trying to pick just one to focus on was hard.

“I have emotions that go from zero to Warp 10 in a nanosecond, often with violent results. I have skin I am, quite literally, not comfortable in. I don’t know what to expect from people now,” Mickayla listed off silently. “And then there is the guilt from having killed Gideon Drake.”

“Ma’am,” Mickayla addressed the counsellor respectfully, trying to somehow make up for her earlier outburst. “If I had to choose just one thing, it would be that I am not comfortable in my own body. Truthfully, I have never felt comfortable in my own skin. It has always separated me from those around me and I thought I had gotten over that but now, after the Versant, I know that is not the truth.”

“So, that is what I would like work on if I can,” Mickayla decided, looking at the Vulcan. “I want to be comfortable in my own body.”

Re: Day 02 [1100 hrs.] First Steps

Reply #17 – June 25, 2019, 02:40:28 PM

[ Lt Cmdr Hathev | Chief Counsellor's Office, Main Sickbay | Deck 11 | USS Theurgy | Aldea ] attn: @Stegro88

And thus fell the dam. With her words, MacGregor had not only taken responsibility for her own betterment but set a practicable goal for herself — a long-term objective, certainly, but the very act of identifying and pledging to work towards a concrete aim was a not-insingificant step in itself. Hathev was not naïve enough to believe this to be a major breakthrough, and it would certainly not be the last of its kind necessary, yet it was progress all the same and it had been hard enough in the winning for Hathev to feel some satisfaction at the result.

She sat back in her chair slightly, allowing a small smile to play upon her lips. It was barely perceptible by human standards — she was not an overindulgent degenerate — but she hoped it would convey its intended meaning. She was pleased.

‘This we can work upon,’ she said. With MacGregor’s willingness and purpose finally established, Hathev moved to consider the best practical course they could undertake. The woman had made her desires for active and effective treatment known, and in the interests of not further alienating or frustrating the woman — and of preserving the structural integrity of the other items within arm’s reach — Hathev considered she would do well to meet the woman’s requests.

Comfort in her own skin. A most basic and necessary requirement for self-actualisation, and the lack of which required a twofold treatment. First, they would need to reach the point where MacGregor no longer suffered dissociation between her intellectual and physical self, the point where she would be able to view her body as her own and accept this fact. Secondly, and arguably more crucially, they would need to break down her negative associations with Klingons and her own Klingon heritage, until she was able to make peace with the two halves of her self.

Content with her treatment plan, Hathev turned her focus to MacGregor once more: ‘In pursuit of this goal, I have two requests to make of you between now and our next meeting. As ever, I do not ask that you succeed outright, only that you make an attempt with the best of your ability. Even should you fall short, the experience shall be valuable.’

She folded her hands, keeping her tone even without dipping into intensity. ‘First, I would encourage you to engage in one physical or creative activity you have always found enjoyable, and one which is a new discovery; I would also ask you not to interrogate that enjoyment too deeply.' Producing her PADD, she entered a few keystrokes before finding what she was looking for: 'There is a bi-weekly Mok'bara training session you may be interested in; if you are looking for an outlet, perhaps this would be something to consider?'

Without breaking her stride, she continued on: 'Secondly, I would like you to endeavour to meet your own gaze in a mirror every morning, if only for a moment. Greet yourself by name, whether aloud or inside your own head, and then go about your business as usual. You may feel strange doing so; however I would urge you to persevere, as you will cumulatively begin to feel the benefits further down the line.’

Both requests were deceptively simple, enough so that there was no small chance MacGregor would scoff at them. However Hathev did not wish to overburden her patient with tasks so early; no, these were enough. She was acutely aware of the capacity of the emotional mind to wander and knew even these requests could prove difficult, especially for a being in the new-made Klingon's psychological state; however Hathev was confident she would be able to unravel whatever knots the woman might tie herself into between now and any future session they might have.

Anticipating the woman's scepticism: ‘It is my professional opinion that these tasks shall prove beneficial to you, and I would ask that you continue to attempt these things even should you believe them to be of no assistance. If that is truly the case, we shall re-evaluate upon our next meeting. In this, please endeavour to trust my judgement as a professional and an officer.’

Re: Day 02 [1100 hrs.] First Steps

Reply #18 – July 02, 2019, 04:30:53 PM

“The first part seems easy enough. Doing something that I have always found enjoyable and then also look for something new that I also enjoy. What could be so hard about that,” Mickayla wondered to herself as her mind worked over the counsellor’s instructions. They seemed easy enough; she was already doing the second part. “I don’t know what looking at myself in the mirror each morning is going to do to make me feel better about myself and get rid of this annoying itch, but it can’t hurt me.”

“Understood ma’am,” Mickayla acknowledged the Vulcan’s directives. “I’ve always enjoyed swimming and rock climbing so I might see if they help any.” A part of her wanted to try the combat shooters she also enjoyed but she felt sure that engaging in a combat sim was not going to help her state of mind any. She’d stared enough times at herself in the mirror in her quarters to know what she looked like now and how that differed from what she had looked like before the Versant so what was some more staring. She didn’t voice this of course.

“I’m not sure what new thing I’d like, Counsellor. I mean, I know I that I won’t know if I like it till I try it, but I don’t know what I would like to try,” Mickayla said, trying to explain her thoughts and not succeeding very well. “Given my volatile emotions at the moment, I think I should avoid any past times that involve physical combat. It might be too easy for me to lose control and hurt someone. Or worse,” she added as she scratched and rubbed at her arm. She really wanted to get back to her quarters and get her clothes off. It was starting to become unbearable how her skin was feeling.

“What do you think, ma’am?” Mickayla asked the Vulcan. “Any ideas on something I should try that won’t drive me crazy?”

Re: Day 02 [1100 hrs.] First Steps

Reply #19 – July 04, 2019, 04:57:05 PM

[ Lt Cmdr Hathev | Chief Counsellor's Office, Main Sickbay | Deck 11 | USS Theurgy | Aldea ] attn: @Stegro88

Much as Hathev’s nature would prefer counselling to be an exercise in certainties and results, more often the exact opposite was true. There were far more factors at play beyond simply Hathev’s skill and experience; her counselling did not take place in a vacuum and could not be treated as such. As a result, the suggestions she had made to Miss MacGregor were by no means guaranteed to bear positive results; instead, they were merely calculated to have the greatest chance to pose some use while minimising the risks of causing further damage, a calculation which had been made using a complex equation of probability, based on the available data from this session, Hathev’s previous sessions with similar patients, and her academic understanding of Klingon psychology.

This was all to say that Hathev did not expect any great progress to be made from the requests she posed to her new patient. In all, they were more an excersise in giving the woman something to do that she might feel progress would eventually be made, and an experiment in the woman’s willingness to comply with and apply herself to Hathev’s suggestions. That she had not rejected them outright was in itself a positive sign.

‘Sound reasoning,’ she said, privately pleased that the officer had identified a limitation and expressed it not as a reason why she could not do what Hathev requested but as an obstacle to be worked around. They would work up to the combat activities -- something they would have to deal with, considering MacGregor’s position and duty upon this vessel. But for now, she was content to focus on another, less charged area.

‘There are many other options for you, depending on the emotions you may wish to cultivate. Meditation can be extremely calming, creative activities such as art are freeing, and practical applications like gardening are rewarding. Shore leave brings further opportunities for travel and socialisation; a personal purpose such as sampling new cuisine or visiting a certain area could lead you to new experiences.’ In itself, the activity was not important. It was the willingness to try new things, and the self-discipline to see that intent through, that Hathev was interested in.

A glance at the clock on her desk told her their time was almost up. An inconclusive initial session, but considering the unique difficulty the patient was experiencing she was not altogether surprised at the relative lack of progress. They were merely in a stage of data accumulation, however, and MacGregor had certainly given her that.

‘Use this as an opportunity to try a number of things if you wish,’ she said. ‘I shall be glad to hear of your experiences at our next meeting. For now, I believe you have enough to consider; I do not wish to occupy any more of your time than is necessary. To that end, I suggest we reconvene at a later date.’

She rose, offering MacGregor her native salute. ‘My thanks for your time. I shall expect you next week, and wish you a prosperous interim.’

Re: Day 02 [1100 hrs.] First Steps

Reply #20 – July 14, 2019, 10:41:19 AM

Mickayla had never felt very artful as she considered the list of activities that the Vulcan counsellor Hathev had suggested, and shore leave meant being around Klingons, which was not an acceptable option at this stage. Transporting to the planet held more promise but, on that front, Mickayla didn’t trust herself if something triggered her. Meditation seemed like the best option for her, but she had never mediated in her life; she’d have to find someone to help her.

“Thank you, Ma’am,” Mickayla acknowledged, standing and straightening her uniform where she had been itching at it. She would need to work out why it was annoying her or find a way to cope with it as, at the moment, it was too distracting. And distracting in a firefight, or other emergency, could and would get her killed. “You have indeed given me a lot to think about and consider. I don’t know how well I will go with them but I promise you that I will try my hardest.”

“I will contact you or your staff to arrange a time for our next session, Counsellor Hathev,” Mickayla advised calmly, feeling both better and more anxious at the same time with what she had been suggested to do. “I do not have my duty roster yet so I cannot say when I will be available at the same time as yourself. I’d guess a lot of people will be wanting someone to talk to in light of recent events.”

~FIN~